Transcript

Dr. Jessica Peck prescribes Hope for Healthy Families on American Family Radio

Hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends and welcome to my favorite part of the afternoon. On my favorite day of the week, getting to spend time with you, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. It is fri Yay. As my kids say, and I say now too. And whatever you have planned for the weekend, thanks for tuning in this afternoon. It is Ask doctor Nurse Mama Friday, where I answer questions. And this year we've really been focusing on 52 habits for healthy families. Every Friday I've introduced a habit that is sure to help your family be healthy, not perfect. Because there is no such thing as a perfect family. Definitely mine included. But we started off the year in talking about some spiritual disciplines. We talked about prayer and memorizing scripture and going to church and playing worship music. And then we talked about some rhythms that you need in your life. Practicing gratitude, having a daily devotional, a morning and bedtime routine, sleeping well, eating together as a family, a weekly check in. Then we moved into really convicting segment, at least for me, talking about communication. We talked about listening with our face, speaking words of affirmation, apologizing sincerely, writing letters, modeling our faith gifts, giving generously, prioritizing family time, playing together and gathering with family. Then we spend all summer talking about tech. We talked about reading out loud, watching faith based media with your family, being in the pictures. Tech free zones, tech free times, tech tracking, transparent tech, tech tidying, tech safety. It was a lot of information about tech. But if you listened every week and by the way, you can go back and listen any Friday show or catch the Dr. Nurse Mama coaching minutes on any podcast platform or afr.net that's a one minute catch up. There are a lot of ways that technology is impacting our family and especially our safety. So then we talked about safety. For this last month or so we've been talking about that tech safety, sun safety, water safety, play safety, body safety, which is really, really important for abuse prevention and school safety. And right now we are talking about ways to be and it's our own little version of the beatitud, I suppose. But we're talking about our attitudes and ways that they should be. And this week I am talking about how to be a good friend. Now this is really important. We know from Proverbs 17:17, a friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity and in this day and age especially, friendship is not a luxury. It's not something that's nice to have. It's really something that God designed us to need and we need to pursue it as a discip. It is a healthy habit and it is essential for emotional, spiritual and physical well being. I'm sure as parents, most of you could could empathize with sitting at night with your child who was just brokenhearted, just longing for a friend. Maybe you as an adult have sat lonely in certain spaces, just wondering, what would it be like to have a friend that I could call a friend that I could go with. Some seasons of life seems like friendship is easy, and some seasons life seems like friendship is hard. But we do know that right now we are living in an age where loneliness is an epidemic and friendship is both more needed, but it's more complicated than ever. It is not like it used to be. This is where we need grandparents and parents and even you, what you call yourselves, I won't call you, but elder millennials, even any of you who have experience in friendship before social media. We need some of those old school social skills to partner with our k new worldview so that we can help them to navigate this world. And we are going to talk about that. a ah, friendship is a habit that you need to cultivate in your family. Now there is value in friendship across life stages. When kids are really little, it teaches kids how to learn to share, how to cooperate, how to belong. And their first friends may be their siblings or their cousins or the other kids in the church nursery. Having those friendships is really important. When they get to the teenies years, that really influences their identity formation. Their peers, their friends around them are going to influence the way they see the world, the choices that they make. They learn values like loyalty. And in adulthood, we need friendships that support our marriages, our careers, our parenting, the trials that we face in life. And in those later years, we need companionship that combats loneliness and isolation. All of a sudden, life can slow down in retirement, which can be great, but sometimes we have more time for those friendships. But the bottom line is that God created us for community. He created us to walk in friendship. And that is modeled throughout the Bible. We'll talk about that more as we go on.

One of the biggest pitfalls that we see in friendship is entitlement

So I'm going to encourage you to shift your mindset as we start to treat friendship like a, discipline. Something to cultivate, something to practice, not something to want to serve you, not something to take for granted, not something that you're hoping just comes Along. We've got to be a good friend if we want to have a good friend. Now, one of the biggest pitfalls that we see in friendship is entitlement. That mindset that others should show up for us, meet our needs, pursue us, you know, treat us as a good friend. And if I'm really honest, sometimes that's the same posture that we take toward church. What can I get out of this? How is the church going to serve me? How is this friendship serving me? But just as the healthiest church life comes when we look to serve others, the healthiest friendships grow. When we focus less on finding that good friend, that's going to fill all of the holes in our heart and fill all the broken places in our life. And we focus on becoming that person for someone else. Because true friendship is built not on entitlement, but on generosity and sacrifice and love. So we've got to choose friendships wisely. And if we want our kids to choose friendships wisely, we've got to choose them ourselves. So you have got to intentionally seek friends who encourage your faith, who honor your marriage. If you have friends who, you know, maybe you have a friend who really doesn't like your spouse, really gotta think about that, because that may not be edifying. If they're constantly speaking words of death over your life, over your marriage, over your home, that is something to really think about. What are the friendships that are going to honor your marriage? Model healthy boundaries for your children. People that share the same convictions that you share about the media you watch and the places you go and the way that you speak and the language that you use. You've got to seek out people who are like minded and avoid those friendships that pull you away from God or from your family responsibilities. Now, that's not to say that we don't talk to people who aren't different from us, but it means that we're really thoughtful about who we give access to our homes and our hearts to cultivate that friendship. Friendship is different than discipleship or even evangelism. and I think it's important to say, going from the very beginning here, that some friends are for a season and some friends are for a lifetime. If you are privileged to have that friend that you sat by in the second grade, you know, however many decades ago, and you have lived all of life together, that is a real treasure. I'd encourage you to pick up the phone, call them, text them, write them a letter, an email, and just tell them how much you appreciate that friendship, because that is a Gift that not many people have. But sometimes we do have friends for a season. Some friends are just a walk with us through a particular point in life. And both are valuable. But clarification, clarity in that helps us navigate the expectation that we have for that friendship. Because our kids are learning their friendship skills by watching how we are friends that I find this so convicting. When I talk to my daughters, especially about their friendships, I discover that even though I am decades older than they are, many of the issues they're facing in friendship are the same ones that I face. And my husband has the same experience with our sons. The, the experiences that he's having in friendship at my son is or same things that my husband is facing in friendship. So some things never change, but God's word never change.

For kids today, friendships look drastically different than they did a generation ago

Now I want to talk to you a little bit about the changing social dynamics because friendship is different than it was when we were growing up. For kids today, friendships look drastically different than they did a generation ago. Now I want you to think back if you are in a, pre social media generation. And what we would do is spend hours outside, mostly running the streets. Let's just be honest. We rode our bikes, we got dropped off at the mall, we went places and just hung out together. We might hang out at somebody's house, but for now, most kids are building those initial relationships, especially through social media feeds, through gaming platforms, through group chats, through video calls. And recent research shows that teens spend an average of almost nine hours a day on their screens. And most of that is in digital friendship spaces, places where they're interacting with other people and sometimes they're not even people. Hold on and I'll tell you about that. And so when you think about your own childhood friendships, how many of those moments could have been replicated through a screen? I want you to think about what you had that wouldn't be possible today or that kids aren't experiencing today. And how can we replicate that now? There's some strengths of online friendships, but there's definitely a lot of challenges that come along with that. One of the biggest challenges is this paradox of connection because we have kids who are more digitally connected than ever before at any point in human history. I remember when I had a friend in ninth grade who moved away and we had this big going away party for her and we knew we probably wouldn't see her again because travel was expensive, it wasn't as common. We didn't have any digital connections. We basically wrote letters for a while, but it was a Lot harder to maintain those friendships. Now it's great because grandparents can see grandkids who maybe don't live near them. Those things are really good. But we do see this relationship gap and relationship isolation. And it's even been called by many health experts, a public health epidemic, that loneliness in and of itself is a public health epidemic. And some experts have even said that that social disconnection, such an impact on our physical health, on our stress levels, our blood pressure, the way our heart functions, the way our immune functions, that it might be the same health risks as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness and smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Now that is a, that's a difficult thing to digest for sure. But the bottom line is that we know that people are lonely. And many teens report having hundreds of online friends, maybe even thousands of online, quote, unquote friends. But maybe they still feel like they have no one to call in a crisis. They have no one who really knows what's going on. And so it's important to know and to think about do we really feel truly known by our peers, by those people we're interacting with online? I have a hard and fast rule. I'm not friends with anybody on social media that I'm not friends with in real life because I feel like that just opens the door for a lot of trouble and in often authenticity. And I know everyone has different situations, but it's really important for us to cast friendship as something that is real, something that is authentic, something that is genuine. That friendship doesn't mean just being followed or liked online. Now there are some dangers of online only friendships and there's some safety concerns because those online friendships lack accountability. You don't always know who it is. And I can guarantee you in the work that I do, mainly in the anti traffic space, I'm an advocate against human trafficking. There are absolutely predators, real humans and bots who are out there to exploit kids and they want to do things like catfishing or grooming them for abuse and exploitation. And that is real. The emotional concerns too are that online friends can disappear overnight with a blocked account. We have the word unfriend. That was the word of the year about a decade ago. Meaning if you don't like someone, you don't just simply don't be their friend anymore. That's not really a healthy way to look at friendship. But we also see that conflict resolution is a lot harder because when there's conflict that occurs online, kids do what they call ghosting all of a sudden. Just don't respond, just disappear and then maybe one day I'll reappear and just say something completely normal and hope that that has passed its way through. Kids today really lack the those in person skills for how to manage conflict. They think about what am I going to say? What am I going to text back? Should I say something? Should I not? Should I text? Here you look at this text, I don't know what to say. Instead of just working it out, sometimes it just takes a little tussle, takes a little tug of war. Sometimes it can be unpleasant or uncomfortable. But we can have that conflict resolution that is healthy, that's not dependent on fat being validated through likes or constant availability. And when that need for belonging isn't met in real life, online influences are quick to step in. They are waiting to fill that space that we have not. When we come back, I'm going to talk to you about the rise of AI companions and why I'm so concerned for this generation. What you need to know and what you can do about it. I'll see you on the other side of this break.

Preborn has helped save 38,000 babies this year through donations

I want you to picture this. Her name is Kayla. She is 17, alone, terrified and pregnant, sitting in a clinic, tears blurring, thinking abortion is her only option until she was offered a free ultrasound paid for by a hero just like you. The moment Kayla heard her baby's heartbeat, the decision was made. And today her little baby boy, Gabrielle, is thriving because preborn walked with Kayla every step of the way. Now multiply that by 38,000. That's how many babies preborn has helped save just this year. How many mothers preborn has come alongside with practical and spiritual resources to make motherhood possible. But here's the most important thing you will hear today. Their goal is to save 70,000 by the end of the year. And they can't do it without a us. Every $28 provides that ultrasound. The moment everything changes, will you be the reason the next Kayla chooses life? The reason Gabrielle fulfills his destiny? To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250, baby. Or donate securely at preborn.com/AFR, that's preborn.com/AFR.

>> Friend of God by Phillips, Craig and Dean: That you hear me when I call. Is it true that you are thinking of me, how you love me? It's Amazing. I am a friend of God. I am a friend of God. I am a friend of God.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is Friend of God by Phillips, Craig and Dean. I want to know how many of you out there, there, did you have a cd? Maybe of, Phillips, Craig and Dean that is taking me back to my college days and blasting that CD on my way to nursing, school. Now, I did drive a very old car that my great grandmother had and it actually had an eight track player. And it's really painful today to try to explain to kids about what is an eight track player, what is a cassette tape. And they don't know what it means when you get out a pencil and you have to wind the tape back because maybe it got garbled in the tape player or the side be of the tape or the secret songs or. Okay, I digress. But listen, a lot of things have changed about the way that we interact with our friends. Maybe with your friends, you were like me and you made a mixtape and you just hope the radio DJ didn't talk over the song so that you could get a good copy of your song. And now kids have streaming options of literally billions and billions of hours. The options are endless and it can be overwhelming. And kids today are, are feeling the overwhelm of that. And we are seeing an epidemic of loneliness. And today I'm talking about the healthy habit of cultivating good friendships, of being a good friend. That is a lot harder to do in this day and age. And I think a certain degree of empathy is warranted for this generation.

Nearly 1 in 5 of the top downloaded apps are AI companions

Now one of the things I'm really concerned about is the rise of AI companions now. AI Artificial intelligence. I will tell you, my mother in law kept calling this owl for a long time because it looked like a big A and a little L. But it is a big A and a big I and it is a big deal in today's worlds. Now we see right now the reports that I'm seeing are that nearly one in five of the top downloaded apps today. Now you think about all the apps that are on your phone, all the apps for banking, for ordering your food, for managing your life. Get this. Nearly 1 in 5 of the top downloaded apps are AI companions. Not prototype productivity tools, not things that help you run your life, but AI fake friends. Okay, this is where we are. Millions of people worldwide are turning to bots. Like there are several out there. I don't really want to give any air time, but others are for friendship. Some are even romantic companionship. I saw a news story, story of a man proposing to his AI girlfriend and overwhelmed with joy, crying because she said yes, she I'm using I. What words do we even use? Because these are chat bots. These are not real humans. Now some interact with those companions daily. They Share secrets, they might seek encouragement, they might really build relationships with a programmed entity because the relationship, the, that bot learns your preferences and, and all of those things, you kind of train it. And we do see a very tragic lawsuit where parents are alleging that their teen son was even encouraged toward ending his own life by conversations with an AI chatbot. Now, one of the things is that these AI chatbots are now just being integrated into everything. And for a lot of kids, it just normalizes it. You don't even have a choice on some social media platforms. You can't remove the AI companion or chatbot. It's just there. And I think we really need to ask ourselves, is this a society? What happens when we begin outsourcing our deepest human longings to machines that cannot truly love, that cannot truly empathize, that do not sacrifice? These are some of the key characteristics of healthy friendships. We also have influencer culture, this influencer illusion. These online platforms present curated lives, which really distorts how friendship should look. And friendships online, when we're looking at that at social media, you know, you've all seen it. Groups of friends who seem like, oh, they have the perfect friendship. They're always getting together and having these gatherings, playing sports, playing games, having luncheon, whatever it is. These friendships online look glamorous, they look effortless and they look conflict free. But it's just unrealistic and unattainable in real life. We're watching the highlight reel of this friendship. We also have fomo, which is really real fear of missing out F o M o. We actually have validated scientific tools to measure FOMO because it is a very real human experience that happens. You know, that feeling. You see others post group pictures or inside jokes online. They see, oh, all of these people were invited. I'm not invited. Now everyone knows I'm not in that friend group. And FOMO is linked to anxiety and depression and loneliness, especially among teens who are scrolling social media. And so we need to ask ourselves if our kids are shaping their expectations of friendship more from social media stories than from the word of God or real life examples of healthy friendship. Now, some of the friendship trends that I'm looking at online are really fascinating. So let me take you through two of them. One is a term called simp. S I M P Being a simp. Now what is that mean? Being a SIMP basically is what kids will call someone else who invests very heavily, maybe that's emotionally, financially or socially, into a relationship with another person who just doesn't reciprocate. Basically they're just going around just doing everything for this person. And that person just seems like maybe they could care less whether they are alive or in their life or not. And it's often a term that's used as a joke, but it does reflect a real relational imbalance, Because in friendships it looks like one person is doing all the pursuing, one person is constantly affirming, one person maybe even idolizes the other, and they don't get anything in return. And so it's a modern way of basically saying, hey, this is an unhealthy attachment, this is one sided. But true friendship is Mutual. Proverbs 27:17 says, as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. I had a guest on talking about friendship and, and she pointed out that when iron sharpens iron, there are sparks, there is heat, there is, there's conflict, There can be. That can be a, process that can be difficult, but that helps to shape and to strengthen and to build both people, not drain one while elevating the other. And we see this influence coming through celebrity culture where we see idolized friendships. We see, we see celebrities like Taylor Swift, who has a very highly public squad. She had a squad of friends. And that friendship was really portrayed as glamorous and aspirational, like if you make it to the squad. But it can also be criticized for being performative. But these are the kinds of friendships that kids are looking at as their ideal. Or we look at something like the Kardashian Jenner circle, where friendships often look transactional. They're based on fame and influence and who is who and who knows who and who's on the inside circle. And many teens hold up those celebrity bestie dynamics, either looking at, you know, the, the bestie is the goal, the best friend that's there. But idolizing those kinds of friendships, thinking it's going to fix everything in your life, or that it's just going to be all happy and all sunshine all the time, that's just not true. Because a, true friend is not always glamorous for sure, is usually not famous and is usually not constantly available. So we've got to think as we're learning that friendship is about serving and being sharpened. Or is it about status? Is it about image? Is it about being seen with the right people? Now we can look at those examples. I gave you a celebrity. I could feel some of you audibly groan as I even said those names. And you think, oh, I'm not like that. But aren't we a little bit? I mean, if we're really honest, sometimes we think, oh, we want to be in that circle, of parents, that circle of adults, that circle of people who do this fun thing. We think about that, about what is our image with the friends that we have. It's so uncomfortable, but it is the status of the human heart and none of us are immune.

The situationship is a romantic relationship that lacks clear definition or direction

The second word that I want to talk about is situationship. Situationship, that is basically a confusing counterfeit of real friendship and love where a simp is more like a friendship or a crush. The situationship is a romantic or maybe almost romantic relationship that just lacks clear definition, commitment or direction. This is actually becoming increasingly common in younger generations. And it's hard to explain. It's not quite a friendship, it's not quite dating. It's just often emotionally intense, but just very ambiguous on the details, like, hey, I want you to be there and do all the things for me, but I don't want any pressure, I don't want to owe you anything. I don't want to have any obligations or expectations. I basically just want this to serve me when I want, how I want, where I want. Now it's popular because young people say, hey, it feels low pressure and social media can normalize it as modern love and culture prizes flexibility, keeping your options open. You do you, you serve you, you know, you pursue you. And that appeal feels like companionship without commitment. And it offers attention and validation, but you don't have a responsibility to that person. But the trap is that it's very confusing, it is very insecurity inducing and it makes you emotionally dependent because you're just dependent on their emotional whims, which we know our emotions are like the sea. They are not trustworthy, at all. They're constantly changing. And there's no core character character that grounds that relationship. And it fosters comparison and anxiety. You're constantly wondering, where do I stand? Am I in, am I out today? And it's often one sided with just one person is investing more emotionally than the other. So you may have found yourself or your child stuck in this relationship when you didn't know exactly what it was. And I, want you to think about how that impacts the peace of mind. And so we have got to make sure that we are helping our kids, kids and ourselves. Compare those relationships that we have to biblical truth, not to other relationships that other people have, but to biblical truth. Because God designed relationships to be defined to be purposeful and to be honoring, to be Grounded by character, as in Matthew 5:37, let your yes be yes and your no no it being ought. people, people of our word who honor our commitment. First Corinthians 13 describes love as patient and kind and not self seeking, not ambiguous, not self serving. And so where was we see situationships, these kinds of modern relationships thriving on vagueness and convenience. Healthy friendships and marriage thrive on clarity and commitment. You know exactly where you stand and you know what that person has committed to you. And we see situationships that blur boundaries. They can blur emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, even spiritual boundaries, whereas healthy relationships have healthy boundaries. Now this is really hard because we have cultural commentary speaking into this constantly, either explicitly, like telling us exactly what friendship should be, we have influencers saying what that should be, or implicitly where we're just watching shows or things, we're seeing friendships portrayed online, that we transfer those values and we see them glamorizing those kinds of almost relationships. And we see that comparison factor thinking, okay, well I see other people doing this. This is okay, hey, but listen, the thing is, research shows that these kinds of ambiguous relationships, the situationships, this casual relationships, where there's an unequal power differential and one person is more invested than the other, those are linked to higher levels of stress and anxiety than committed relationships. So it should not be shocking to us that God's word gives us a blueprint for healthy relationships. So the challenge is in helping, helping the next generation, helping kids today navigate these complicated relationships. And that can be really hard. I can tell you that fear based strategies are only effective in generating fear. They don't generate behavioral change. And really the path forward is through cultivating a healthy relationship within your family. Relationship conveys influence and the healthier your relationship, the greater influence you are going to have. So we got to talk in our family openly about healthy relationships. And I remember one time when my daughter was in junior high and she had, she was longing for a best friend and, and she finally got that best friend. And there were some things in that relationship that were not healthy. There were ways that she was mistreated and it was so hard because to give up that thought of, I've been wanting a friend for so long, but talking about how that relationship relationship impacts her, impacts her emotional health. It's a hard conversation to have. It's a gentle conversation to have. But asking questions like how do you feel after spending time with that person? How do they bring out the best in you? That's important. And I'll give you some more questions here in a minute. But clarity is kindness. Don't settle for less than a, defined mutual commitment that is really, really important. Important. And I think some healthy friendship relationship checks that we can have are thinking, does this person make me feel more like Christ? Does this person encourage me in my walk with the Lord? Do I feel safe? Do I feel respected? Do I feel valued? Are there clear boundaries? Do we have a mutual understanding of the expectations of our friendships and situationships? They might feel exciting in the morning moment, but they cannot provide the security and the depth and the growth of real friendship or godly love. God designed friendship to be sacrificial, to be present and those AI and online only relationships, they may mimic companionship, but nothing can ever mimic the creation of God at the human heart, the human soul, and they don't have the capacity for true love. John 15:13 tells tells us greater love has no one than this to lay down one's life for one's friends and AI substitutes are never going to fully meet that God given longing for authentic human connection. So for parents, if your kids don't have real close, close, real life friends, they may look online to fill that gap. And so you need to create opportunities for those real life friendship. When we come back, I'll tell you about five, friends that everybody needs in their life. And I'll tell you how to cultivate friendship in your house, how to be the hangout house. I'll be back with more help and hope this. Ask Dr. Nursemama Friday how to be a good friend. Talk to you on the other side of this break.

Most ancient people believed that how you died most revealed your character

Here's Dr. Ben Witherington from the American Family Studios documentary the God who Speaks.

>> Dr. Ben Witherington: Here's the most important point before looking at our gospels, most ancient people believe that how you died most revealed your character. Now this is a problem because how did Jesus die? He died by the most shameful way to die in antiquity, through death on a cross. So one of the strong motivations for telling the tale the way that the New Testament writers told it is to make clear that though this would appear to be the most horrific and shameful death ever, that yet he was still not only a good person, but he was God's person on top of that and that after his death, God vindicated him. Visit thegodwhospeaks.org.

>> Friends by Michael W. Smith: And friends are Friends Forever if the Lord's the Lord of them and a friend will not say never 'cause the welcome will not end. Though it's hard to let you go in the Father's Hands. We know that a lifetime's not too long to live. as Friends.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back. Friends. That is Friends by Michael W. Smith.

Healthy development requires relationships for our kids and for us

How many of you are reliving your high school graduation right now? We're thinking back to some good memories of friendships that you have. Friendships are such a beautiful gift of God. And it is a healthy habit that we need to cultivate in our families. How do we intentionally be friends? And today we are living at the speed of a smartphone. many of us as parents are pursuing future plans for our kids. We are spending all of our time going to all the activities, doing all the sports, all the academics, all of the things, things. And we don't have as much downtime for friendships. But God created us to live in friendship. And so today I'm talking about some ways that we can be healthy friends and answering questions that I hear all the time about friendships. And I think it's really important for us to remember that healthy development requires relationships for our kids and for us. No matter where we are in life, we need those friends who are going to be there. I think of so many times in my life where I have had a friend at just the right place and just the right time that filled just the right need. And I don't know how I would have gotten through some of the things I've been through in my life. I think of times where it was just, I felt like it was the, the worst situations. And yet friends showed up in that moment just to be there or because we live in the south, they brought a casserole and that helps too. But God designed us for healthy friendships. And we know that God created children grow through a variety of relationships. In Luke 2, we knew. We know that Jesus grew in wisdom, stature and favor with God and man. And children thrive when they can learn to trust others outside of their home. When they slowly separate from that primary caregiver relationship in age appropriate ways, we prepare them to launch for adulthood. That's really important. But we also weren't created to be without friends once we're parents, parents. And that is important for us, for building resilience in our kids and ourselves. So I think there's five friends that every person needs in their life. This is for your kids and this is for you. So I'm going to tell you these five people and I want you to think about who those people would be in your life and really name them specifically think, okay, this is that person. It can be a step towards helping you intentionally cultivate those friendships that you have always Wanted. And more than thinking, who can be this for me? Think, who can I be this for? Someone else? Because we have different friendships that fulfill different purposes in our life. So let me tell you, it will start with the first person that you need, the first kind of friend that you really, really need in your life, and that is an intercessor. You need a friend who will pray for you, who will pray for your family, who will pray for anything at the drop of a hat that you don't have to give a big explanation to that doesn't, trigger some panic or that kind of thing. You just say, hey, can you pray for me on this? And they say, yes, absolutely. And they'll pray for you right there in that moment. And you know they'll continue to pray for you. Who is that prayer warrior in your life? I encourage you, you to find a spiritual mentor, a church member, an older friend. For me, this is my father in law. I text him all the time and say, I need you to pray for this. And he will pray for that. And I know he will. I've seen him at his bed, on his knees, praying over his prayer journal. I know that he prays and it is a wonderful friend to have in my life. So just ask somebody, hey, we really are going through some things that we need some. And pray prayer. Would you pray for us? Can I just ask you to pray? Whenever we need somebody to pray for us, would you be willing to pray? Number one, an intercessor. Number two, a counselor. Now, this may be a professional counselor, but it is often someone who is wise, someone who is a spiritual disciple of Christ, someone who has a really strong faith and a strong walk with the Lord. And it can be professional, it can be pastoral, it can be just friendship, just someone who is going to help you process your past and your parenting or whatever it is that you're going through. Someone who is going to speak truth to you. Someone who will, if you say, I'm so angry with my spouse and they did this. Someone who will speak words of conviction and say, all right, where in your own life it. Where's your accountability? And this and calling you to truth, calling you to discipleship. And that is important. So who is that counselor that you have in your life? That's number two. Number three, a healthcare provider. This is someone that, you need. This is someone who sees you, who listens to you. Everyone needs healthcare services at this time. And you may think, why in the world am I saying this is a friend? Well, if you do not count that Healthcare provider in your inner circle. And I know it is really in vogue these days. Allow me to step on my soapbox for just a moment. It is really in vogue these days. Ways to bash health care providers and to doubt their motives. But let me tell you, there are a lot of health care providers. Nurses, physicians, other, all kinds of health care providers. I don't mean to exclude anyone who love the Lord and who really want to do best by their patients. And you, at some point in your life will need some healthcare services. So what I'm saying is invest in that relationship like you would invest in a friend. Friendship. Look, do your due diligence to find someone you know and you trust and who you can go to. These are some of the most vulnerable moments in life. And you can ask them your health questions, you can get advice from them. That is really important. Bring your questions and don't sit alone in fear, but have that healthcare provider that you can reach out to in a trusting relationship. Number four is a, what I call a ride or die for friend. Now this is the one who may not always speak truth to you, the one who's going to bring food, the one who's going to pick up your kids, the one who's going to say, oh, yes, that, I can't believe they said that, knowing when you know what truth is. But maybe you just need some sympathy in the moment. But somebody who's. You can text at 1:00 clock in the morning and say, hey, can I come over and use your washing machine and borrow, you know, a cup of sugar? And they'll say, yeah, sure, the back door's open, just let yourself in. You need that person who is going to be there through thick and thin, no matter what your ride or die. And number five is someone in the same boat. Now, maybe you're going through something in life. Maybe you are parenting a child with a chronic illness. Maybe you're a caretaker for an elderly parent. Maybe you're going through a divorce. Maybe you are a single mom, maybe you're having financial struggles, maybe your kids are having some sort of similar struggles. Maybe you're having your own health journey. Who is that person? You can laugh together with, you can cry together with, you can pray together with. That is really important to have. You need someone who is in the same boat, just another person who gets it and who is walking in the same season. Now, what I encourage you to do is to think about this for your children as well and think about who are the five people. Is there someone of these people that I could help cultivate a friendship for my. My kid. Do I see someone in my kid's life who would pray for them, Someone who will speak wise words to them, Someone who really loves them and seems to have a mutual affection for them and respect for them and is trustworthy, Someone who's in the same boat. And how can you cultivate those friendships? Well, one way that I think that you can do that is by creating what I call the hangout house, is being that house where all of the people come. Now, this could be if your kids are wanting to bring people over, or it could be just your own friends. And we, we have this vision because we want to create a space where people feel safe, where people can come over. But we have all of these insecurities. We think, well, but I don't have the biggest house. I don't have the fanciest backyard. I don't have a pool. I don't have the latest gaming system. You know, I. My house is small. And you think of all of these things. But what people are looking for in friends isn't stuff. It is belonging.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need the perfect house to host friends

So we need to release ourselves from that pressure. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need the perfect house, the spotless house, the pinterest worthy house to host your friends over. And I think about my grandmother, my granny, my sweet granny who has gone on to be with Jesus. She did this better than anyone that I know. Now, she lived in a little pink brick ranch house that was built in the 1950s, that never was remodeled. Had the original pink and blue bathrooms, you know what I'm talking about there. And it was. It was never fancy, it was never big, but it was always clean and it was always open. And she would get up in the morning and she would get dressed and she would open her door and leave it unlocked. Which, yes, I had safety concerns about. But people would come and go all day long. They knew they didn't even need to knock on the door. Door. They would just kind of knock as they were opening the door and she was there ready to greet them with a Dr. Pepper and a moon pie, because again, we live in the south and that's how we do things. And they would just join her in whatever she was doing, Whether it was sewing, whether it was cleaning or cooking. It was. They wanted that connection. They weren't there to be entertained. They weren't there to be impressed. So instead of chasing aesthetics, focus on function. Do you have a space for conversation? Conversation. Even if it's mismatched chairs in a dining room that's long overdue for a redo. Do you have a place for connection? Be interested when your kids friends come over. Ask them about their lives and their hobbies and their families. Remember their names, remember their details, show them that they matter. And when you have kids who are over, especially if you have teenagers coming over, be engaged. Don't just retreat to another room. Just be like, oh, they're here. I'm going into my room and shutting the door. You don't have to be overly hovering, suffering, but just be around, just available, just approachable, Just live your normal life. And the best way to host is to give food. And it doesn't have to be gourmet. Having a pizza, popcorn, homemade cookies. That often becomes the glue of friendship. Many of you are listening to our Declutter Diary series with Kathi Lipp. And she has a book called Sabbath Soup where she just makes a big pot of soup on Sunday so that she can invite whoever over. And it's easy to make more soup. She can add a little more into the soup pot. And it doesn't matter if her house is perfect or not. And we've got to sacrifice those aesthetics for connection. Don't worry about it. If your couch gets worn, if the carpet gets stained, the fridge empties. Faster, faster. Those sacrifices are really investments in your relationship world. And we had one rule in our house for our kids that really changed everything. So we reversed the process, permission process. Instead of our kids having to ask us permission for someone to come over, we would tell them we have an open door. Anyone can come over at any time unless we specifically revoke that permission. So if there was something that was happening where we weren't able to entertain, if someone was sick or we had another guest coming, we would tell them, we'll tell you when we have that blockout date. But other otherwise kids are always welcome. There's no need to ask. You can just always bring over anybody. And it was great because a lot of times what's happened? Let me give you this parenting hack, this trick that I learned, because what will happen is there will start to be a discussion on what do we want to do? I don't know. Can we go to someone's house? Okay, I don't know. Let me ask my mom. Let me ask my dad. Well, my kid was the first to respond in saying, oh, you can come over to my house. I don't have to ask. Just come. Well, that was fantastic, because then I got to see all of the kids that were there, and I was able to engage and to invest, and that was really helpful for us. And it really created a culture of openness where kids just knew our house was a safe, reliable, consistent place to land. And when your house is the hangout house, whether it's for teenagers, whether it's for kids, whether it's for mom's group, really, you're getting, gaining influence, not control, but insight into your child's world and insight into the world of your friends. And if, when you, your kids have friends over, you get to overhear those conversations, you get to meet the people who are shaping your child's worldview, and you get to model healthy adult presence and you show them a little glimpse of what it looks like for an unconditional well. And this, this, this mirrors biblical practice, telling us to practice hospitality. Romans 12:13 tells us, Practice hospitality. I love the word practice, by the way, because some of us may not feel like we have the gift of hospitality and we have that space to practice, to create space for love and for longing.

Friendship really mirrors our longing for our relationship with God

And that is really important to do now in thinking about, about the biblical truths about friendship. Friendship really mirrors our longing for our relationship with God. We cannot replace that with counterfeit. So if you're feeling that longing for friendship, remember just as we played the song today, that God calls us friend. And that longing should be directed towards our heavenly Father. And Christ calls his followers his friends in John 15. And so I encourage you, when you're pursuing healthy friendship, show up consistently. Listen deeply. Listen more than you talk. Speak truth with grace and kindness and celebrate other people's wins. Walk with them in hardship, bear one another's burdens, and in so doing fulfill the law of Christ. And that is important to do. And when you're asking questions, questions about friendship, think. Do you enjoy being around this person? Does their company make you feel happy? Does it draw you closer to Christ? Does it bring out the best in you? Do you feel comfortable being yourself? Or do you feel pressure to try to change or be someone that you're not? Is there genuine mutual concern? Do they care about you? Do they check up on you? Do they check in with you? Or do they only talk about themselves? Are you more concerned about them as a person, or are you more concerned about them as a friend? And do you worry about the loss of your status if you lose that friendship? And that can be really, really hard. And sometimes we can wanna cut off unhealthy friendships, but try to model those with grace. Try to model healthy conflict resolution and as you do, I pray that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon you. As you pursue friendships based on character. God bless you.

>> Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.