Hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends and welcome to my favorite part of the afternoon, getting to spend time with you, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. And listen, we have got a topic today that is near and dear to my heart. So I hope that you'll hang in there with us because no matter what age or stage your family is in, conflict is inevitable. But here's the thing, it doesn't have to be destructive. And in today's generation, I see teens who are conflict averse, they avoid conflict. It's really hard to manage conflict, especially in those face to face relationships because so much communication is happening online and when we're in person with big feelings and underdeveloped brains, underdeveloped prefrontal cortex that help rational thinking, and over overdeveloped amygdalas which make for emotions and fear based responses, teens today can have it rough. Listen, it is, I am very passionate about talking about teenagers. not only do I care for them professionally, I am a mom of four and at one time I had four teenagers at once. It was about the time that I launched my book and when I and of course people would introduce this about me. She has four teenagers. And at one time I would immediately get some uncomfortable laughing, some sighing, some sympathetic head tilting, and some people would just put their hand on my shoulder and start to pray for me out loud. But a lot of other people would speak words that really weren't the kindest. If I'm being so honest, they would say things like, I'm so glad that I'm not raising teenagers now. I am so glad that my teens didn't have to grow up in this kind of world. And oh, the teen years were the worst. And I remember thinking very distinctly, you do realize my children can hear you. And so I started to have a shift in my mind at that moment. And I always had an answer ready to tell somebody what I loved about being a mom of teens, what I loved about this parenting stage. And when people usually that was coming from their own pain. Because it can be teen age years can be a time of trial, it can be really difficult, but it can also be the most fun and the best years of your parenting. Now if you don't have the right tool like I did not when I first started out. And that's really what spurred my whole journey when I first became A teenager we did not know how to manage conflict. You are going to continue to have anger and misunderstandings and that spirals into isolation and broken trust. So that's why I'm so excited to talk to you today about a book, a Teen's Guide to Conflict. Now this is a teen's guide. How to deal with drama, manage anger and make things right. It is co authored by best selling author, Dr. Gary Chapman and our guest today, clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Thomas. And this book equips teens with practical skills to manage anger, resolve conflict and restore relationships. And so, Dr. Thomas, Jennifer, we are so glad to have you here. Thank you so much for joining us to talk about this.
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Oh, Jessica, I'm glad to be with you.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, tell us a little bit about yourself and why you wrote this book and why you wrote it for teens. Two teens. Why what, what did God do in your life that brought you to this moment of ministry?
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Well, I've been working with Gary chapman for almost 20 years now. This is the third book that we've co written and what, what we wrote before is the five Apology Languages, which is a companion to his bestseller, the Five Love Languages. And then we've also written a workplace book called Making Things Right at Work. But we said, you know what, it's not just the adults who need to be able to make things right, whether it's at school or in their job sites, but it's also teenagers need help with their school relationships, with their teams that they're participating in, with their part time jobs, with their families, all sorts of areas where conflict can come up. we know that friendships among teenagers are vital. It helps them to feel connected, it helps to buffer them against the threats to their mental health. And yet they may not have gotten all the skills that they need at their younger age to be prepared. And so we've created a toolbox of, skills for managing conflict that we hope will be very practical. And we know that life is a bit like an improv show. And so we've actually used the theme of drama or theater to help move them through the book and help it not to be too dry. so the different sections are actually called acts and we give them some practical skills that they can read directly or share it with groups that they're in with. A lot of youth leaders are picking up this book to help them be able to, just imbue teens with the confidence of knowing, okay, when I run into conflict, which is inevitable, I know how to handle it.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: That is a pretty bold statement, and I am thrilled to see the resources behind it. We're definitely fans of Dr. Gary Chapman's work. The Five Love Languages was instrumental in raising my kids. And apology languages, we've talked a lot about that on this show. Even every week we introduce a new healthy habit for families. And Apology was one of those and recommended that resource for sure. And I think that teens need help in navigating drama today. And you know, Jennifer, I look back at our My generation, I'm Gen X, and the kind of conflict and drama we have was pretty intense. You go back and you watch 80s movies that don't age well at all, and you see how people treat each other and the things that went on in the school cafeteria or behind the school and parents never knew about it. Right. That was kind of the thing. And now I've seen this shift where parents are getting involved. And we actually had a guest last week where we were talking about friendships and how I see and I even feel a tendency as a mom to get involved in the drama and choose drama over discipleship. You know, being involved and thinking, oh, yes, well, that that person sounds terrible. Oh, I can't believe they did that to you. So I'm really grateful to hear you using drama and leveraging it in a positive way.
September is National Suicide Awareness Month
So let's, let's talk about that a little bit more. Let's unpack the drama. Because if you don't, teens have always been dramatic. That's just the nature of how God made them. But we see that really increasing the drama is playing in real time on social media, in melodramas. If you look at some of the shows that are really popular that everybody's watching and getting all involved in the drama of, who's she going to pick all of those things? What do you mean by drama in the book? How do we fall into that trap so easily?
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Yeah, well, the first thing you've already touched on, and that's when we're listening to someone's story, we get pulled into the drama just naturally. I can make someone take my side of a story in a heartbeat. but that may not actually be the truth. And so one of the things we talk about is this tendency we have to assume what the m motives are of other people. So we too quickly make attributions or, misassign or make assumptions about what they're trying to do. And so we encourage people to stop and to realize, okay, if I'm assuming something negative about someone that might be hurtful to them if they know what I think. And it could also, even if I keep it to myself, it can still, still affect how I relate to them. And so we encourage people to stop and to remember, okay, I can't really judge someone else's heart. I don't know what they're trying to do. But it's okay to surface some of the conflict and to ask direct questions. For example, saying, I'm not comfortable with this situation. What's going on? pause, timeout. What just happened? so we give the skills to be able to say, stop. I don't like the way this is headed. Let's take it in a different direction. We also think it's important for teens to be reminded of the resources they have. Like if they're helping someone who's in a crisis or if they're in a crisis themselves, they don't need to handle it alone. And as a clinical psychologist, I think it's vital, so important for us to remind people you've got coaches, you've got youth leaders, you have relatives who love you and care for you and if they're older and wiser, put them to work, use them. And also we have community wide resources. For example, there's a national suicide hotline and the number is 988. and that's something that we want people to keep handy. Our friend needs it.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Yeah, absolutely. September is actually National Suicide Awareness Month and we'll be talking about that more this week. But that number 988 is really important to put in your phones. I put it in my kids phones. I tell them to share that contact with some help if they need it. It's 24. 7 crisis, crisis help, intervention if, and, and of course we're always encouraging kids to talk to those caring, trusted adults in their life. But sometimes kids just can't bring them that. And we want to make sure they have plenty of safety nets in there for sure. So I'm so glad that you brought that up. And you know, Jennifer. Yeah, go ahead.
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: I might mention also we now have a texting line for getting crisis help with suicidal feelings. And the number to text is 741741 which is right up the left side of the numeric keypad.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, you and I are kindred spirits because that's exactly what I was going to say. That's the contact that I put in the phone. Call 988 or text 741741 help when you need it is how, how I, name it as a contact in my phone, it's just crisis help when you need it, which is so important. And Jennifer, I mean talking about this drama and getting pulled into drama, I think it is really difficult because kids lives today are playing out on social media. A lot of times even if they're not on social media, they're still talked about on social media. And just this real life drama is playing out. And I even heard one young person say to another person this week, your life is not this TV show. Like, that's not what's happening there. And I think drama and conflict go hand in hand. And when we look at past generations, which always fascinates me, you know, kind of how we handle things. And generally speaking in a generation, it can be hard for us to have empathy for a different way that it's handled. And I think about conflict in older generations was very different than what teens see conflict DAs and we see the discussion of like even a thumbs up emoji some teens see as aggressive. Or maybe if I use punctuation in my text message to my child, they're like, what's wrong? Why are you being so aggressive? Is there conflict here? And they start to worry that there's conflict. But conflict is everywhere and conflict is normal. It's going to happen. How does this book help equip teens from a biblical perspective instead of a worldly perspective that's showing them to, to handle conflict like it's handled on a TV drama?
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Yeah. Well, what we know is that, we want for people to be able to resolve their conflict effectively. And if we as Christians are willing to, to do the hard work of working through struggles that may catch the attention of the world and they may say, Something's different about him or her. They're not just ghosting that person. They're trying to get to the bottom of what the problem is and to be able to have one or both sides grow from the conflict. That's. Ideally what happens is that we may be stretched when conflict emerges, but ultimately we can grow to a better place. For those who are people pleasers and have trouble saying no. we know that practicing setting boundaries and m, maybe it's too hard to say no directly face to face. but the skill can be built to where they can at least say, well, let me think about that. Let me get back to you. When do you need to know by? And sometimes it's easier to say no as a follow up when the person's not right there directly looking at you.
Another skill that we talk about is not having arguments over text
Another skill that we talk about is not having arguments over text. because.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Can you say that louder again.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: For me?
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Yeah. It's so easy to just slip into trying to get an issue resolved through a text thread. I've got three grown kids and I now have a lovely daughter in law as well. and our youngest is still a teenager. And I find that, with my kids, if they're texting me about something and if I have to say no to them, it may go south and they may start to argue with me. but it's that moment of being willing to say to the other person, you know what? I don't like the way this is going. I think we should talk about this face to face. I'll see you at ah. And then just fill in the blank of when you're going to be able to talk to them or see them. I would stop action with my kids just so that they could see how that was done and so that I wouldn't end up arguing with them by text sometimes. And, I might even say, you know, if you need to get this resolved today, maybe they were. I remember a time my daughter was shopping at the shopping center.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know what? I'm gonna hold you right there, Jennifer. I'm gonna hold you right there because I want to hear about this story. I have a story about my daughter, too. We'll talk about it after the break. Listen. We are talking about a teen's guide to conflict. How to deal with drama, manage anger, and make things right. We're talking with Jennifer Thomas. We'll be right back with more help and hope on the other side of this break. Don't go away. I want you to picture this. Her name is Kayla. She is 17, alone, terrified and pregnant. Sitting in a clinic, tears blurring, thinking abortion is her only option until she was offered a free ultrasound, paid for by a hero just like you. The moment Kayla heard her baby's heartbeat, the decision was made. And today, her little baby boy, Gabrielle, is thriving because preborn walked with Kayla every step of the way. Now multiply that by 38,000. That's how many babies preborn has helped save just this year. How many mothers preborn has come alongside with practical and spiritual resources to make motherhood possible. But here's the most important thing you will hear today. Their goal is to save 70,000 by the end of the year. And they can't do it without us. every $28 provides that ultrasound. The moment everything changes, will you be the reason the next Kayla chooses life the reason Gabrielle fulfills his destiny. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250, baby. Or donate securely at preborn.com/AFR, that's preborn.com/AFR.
>> Abide by Aaron Williams and Dwell Songs: For my waking breath, for my daily bread I depend on you. I depend on, you. For the sun to rise. For my sleep at night? I depend on, you. Yes, I depend on you. You're the way, the truth and the light. You're the world, it never runs dry. I'm the branch and you are the vine. Draw me close and teach me to.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. That is abide by Aaron Williams and Dwell songs. And that is the message that we're giving to you is just abiding in Christ. Sometimes it feels like we are surrounded by conflict. You may be in a season of conflict and many times. Excuse me. Excuse me. I am getting over. You'll have to put up with. I'm getting over a little cold that my kids have had on back to school. And so thank you for sticking with me as my voice is not too sturdy today.
Dr. Jennifer Thomas writes about healthy conflict and repairing relationships with apologies
But the other thing that is not too sturdy and that has been not too sturdy in my life in the past is conflict between me and my kids, conflict between my kids and their friends, conflict between my kids and the world. And a lot of times that conflict involves anger. Anger is a really powerful emotions, and for many teens, it feels like it's just the driver's seat. It's almost uncontrollable. But what if anger could be harnessed for good rather than for harm? We're talking about a new book called a Teens Guide to Conflict by someone who is very Familiar to you, Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Jennifer Thomas. And she's here with us today to talk about how teens, we can help them recognize the difference between healthy conflict and destructive conflict and how we can repair relationships with meaningful apologies. And Jennifer, right before the break, you were just about to tell a story about your own daughter. And so I definitely want to go back to that because I know you have so many impressive credentials as a professional. You're so accomplished. But so many of these life lessons, I feel like, really come from the heart of our own family. And yes, those professional things are helpful, but it's our own experience with our families and what God teaches us to strengthen our faith, I think that are the most meaningful. So take it away. Tell us your story.
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Yeah, well, that's a good point. the things that happen in our own families are really memorable to us. And so I'm happy to share what I can from our experiences. I remember that, when my daughter was, independent enough to go off shopping with friends, that she would sometimes be texting with me about things that she wanted to buy. But if I wrote back, no, or I think you've got too many of those already or something like that, she would push back. And at that moment, anything that I wrote, she might have heard it sounding angry or, raised to a voice, even though it was just texting. And I also really feel that if we're going to teach kids not to argue by text, we're going to have to show them how to stop, pause, and make the communication happen in a different format. And so I would try to make it a point to say, pause. No, this isn't working. If it's really important you to buy that thing, you're going to need to, call me by a telephone, audio call, or FaceTime video call. And that was just a boundary that I set. And it often, you know, is practical and helpful, too, because I could see her face. If she would give me a video call, I could see what she was looking at. And it also helped us often to just be able to resolve the conflict without having hurt feelings when she came home.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I really appreciate you sharing that. And I think there's no mom m of any teenager today that can't relate to that kind of scenario. Because it happens. Like I said. I mean, you might say no, but if you put a period after that no, then some. Somehow it comes across as aggressive or angry or, why are you angry? And so much is lost. Because the honest truth is we don't speak the same language as our kids. Often when we text, they may use an emoji with a completely different meaning than we do. I mean, I will. I remember one of my kids texting me, like, a skull emoji. And honestly, Jennifer, I was so perplexed. I thought, what in the world does this mean? Because it was something that was funny. And they're like, yes, that means I'm dying laughing. It means like, I'm dead. It was so funny. And I thought, oh, it was funny. I thought that meant like, oh, that was terrible. That joke is dead. Or I. I didn't know what it meant because I don't speak teen emoji. So I think having those conversations where we are speaking the same language is so important. And I said I would share a story about my daughter, my oldest. I was really not very well prepared to be a mom. I didn't have a healthy relationship with my mom as an example. And so I brought a lot of insecurity into my early mothering journey. Jennifer, I did. And my oldest daughter, she reached those teen years. We were in constant conflict. But what I discovered, the root of that conflict was my insecurity, that I was somehow doing things wrong, that I was hurting her. And I was putting so much pressure on her to give me an immediate feedback loop, a gratification, immediate gratification that I was doing okay as a mom. And the truth was, she was giving me that, and she was telling me, you're not doing a great job. And we found ourselves in conflict one day, driving down the road. I've shared this story before, but I was driving, she was in the backseat, and it was so bad, she threw a book at my head while I was driving. And, you know, I pulled over and I started to pray. And I knew that I was going to need a new mindset and more importantly, a new skill set. It wasn't just going to magically happen. I wasn't just going to be able to pray my way through it, although I had to pray my way through it. I needed practical skills. And that's why I'm so grateful for this resource that you've written. A Teen's Guide to Conflict. How to deal with the Drama, Manage anger, and make things right. Because we need to be intentional in that.
How do we distinguish healthy disagreement from unhealthy conflict that can become destructive
Now you're. You're. Do you described healthy disagreement between mother and daughter? I described destructive conflict between mother and daughter. How do we tell the difference? Where's the line at in welcoming healthy disagreement and recognizing that point at ah, which it starts to become destructive?
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Yeah. Well, we say there are three things that drive natural differences that we might have with other people. So normal conflict, no big problem. Totally understandable that it would pop up. And those three things are when we have different perspectives, different opinions, and different preferences, and it's actually healthy for us to be able to express those. You know, some people who avoid conflict, they won't even tell you what they want. They might just say things like, well, it's fine. Whatever you want is fine with me. Or any restaurant, any place you want to go, it's fine. but then you don't really know whether you should accept that and go where you want to go or if they're going to be frustrated later on. And so I, think of the scripture that talks about, like, simply let your yes be yes and your no be no. If we're clear with people, then when they Say, or when one of us says yes, that's fine with me. Then we can better trust that they're being honest with us and that they don't have a strong, opinion about that. But it's these natural and understandable differences that are actually healthy conflict for us to get into. Or, differences of opinion would be a more gentle way to say it. But sometimes we get into unhealthy conflicts, ones that are more toxic and that usually involves someone being controlling, possibly not respecting our boundaries. Or maybe they haven't made their boundaries clear, but they might get defensive and, even say, like, you've been taken too much or you've asked too much. when really the difference of agreement would come down to, well, you know, did you tell me when I asked you, you said it didn't really matter to you. So there's a real challenge in trying to have open communication. I'm certainly, professionally, I'm an expert, but my relationships are not perfect. just the other day, I texted a friend that, my son had vomited. shortly after he got moved into college. He got a stomach bug. And I wasn't sure what to do because I was. Yeah, he was in a parking lot throwing up, and I was with him. And I didn't know whether to, Part of my instinct was to go rub his back, but part was to just walk away and give him some privacy until he was done. And, as I texted that to her, this friend, she was in a different place, didn't really understand. I had also said something about they were down from eight kids to two in their suite. I met because of the Labor Day weekend. These kids really clear out. My son's new at this college. I didn't know the habit. Well, guess what? Miscommunication. She thought I was saying that all those kids were sick and my son was trying to stay well. And, then I was asking, you know, what should we do? So it was on multiple levels. We completely missed it with each other. And she wrote back something about, I hope your son's immune system is healthy. And at that point, I didn't even know that she was on a completely different page. I just took it as well. I hope he'll recover quickly. So we had kind of a laugh when we unpacked, it. And realized, you know, luckily we're low conflict, but how likely it is, you know, once your tension is high and the stress is high, that kind of miscommunication could really go south. And so, when that happens, I want to introduce to your listeners this concept of apology languages. That's what we need to do next is to be quick to apologize and to try to make things right.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Easier said than done. But that scenario is so relatable, Jennifer. I've had that three kids in college and have had very similar communication because it is, it's like, oh, are you saying my kid got everybody sick? Or are you saying that, you know my kid's going to get your kid sick? Or are you saying my kid has to be out of the dorm? And you know, what follows that a lot of times, and I'm so glad to hear that your conflict was resolved in a healthy way. But so often what follows that is anger. Conflict. It just seems like anger just, just comes as a rush. Like I, I can even picture anger in that situation. Like, how could she say that? And any conflict that you're having with your kid or between your kids or between your friends, really anger is something that is a human reaction. It is natural. And we know that kids especially are ill equipped to deal with anger because their prefrontal cortex that helps them make logical decisions is not fully developed. What do you, how do you address anger in this book? What kind of tools do you have to deal with that? Because that's a lot of times just like pouring gasoline on a fire. And that's what will turn a healthy disagreement into a destructive conflict in a hurry.
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: True. And Jessica, that's why I'm really glad that you raised that question.
Both conflict and anger can be healthy, Jennifer says
I think a lot of us fear anger just like we fear conflict. But the first thing we want to do is to acknowledge that both conflict and anger can be healthy. And anger is actually a God given gift. It has to do with our sense of justice and our sense of right and wrong. And so anger is okay. One thing we say is it's never wrong to be angry about what angers God, but it's how our actions flow out of that anger, that can get us into trouble and can in fact make us need to apologize. What we know is when there's anger, when someone gets offended, it creates a barrier between us and the other person. I picture a construction like a road barrier. And when those offenses keep coming, it's like the barriers can go taller, more and more tall. And apologies do is they come in and they remove the barrier and they open the doorway to forgiveness and to trust. But there's no guarantee that the person's going to forgive you. And so we want to be quick to point out that in order for Our relationships to be preserved. We're going to have to learn how to use our anger carefully and to not make false accusations to other people, to not assume that we know what they're trying to do, but to just be willing to ask open ended questions. And when they respond, we recommend doing reflective listening where you say back what you think you've heard them say in order to make sure that you're not miscommunicating.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, when you feel angry in those kinds of situations, it becomes really difficult to control your words and to control your speech. And I know as a mom, when I've been angry, that is the time I am most prone to say things that I really regret. And I know that my kids say things in anger and I've had to learn how not to take those personally, you know, not to, because sometimes my kids, you know, they can say something in anger and they know me, they know my insecurities, they know, they know what will hurt me. And sometimes just out of their immaturity, you know, out of their foolishness, kids will say things that can hurt you in that way. And I've had to learn to, to really model what I want to see because sometimes I say things and I think, okay, well my prefrontal cortex is fully developed and here I am m saying this. And you know what I find, Jennifer, is when people are angry, they start to use shaming language that generalizes a behavioral trait into a character struggle. So say you're arguing about, you know, somebody wasn't on time and you're having to wait a long time to pick them up or you're arguing because they didn't communicate well. And, and you know, you have a miscommunication now that has affected your plans or anything like that. And you start to say, why do you always do this? Why do you have to be so lazy, so mean, so hurtful, so hateful? Why do you always have to ruin these situations? And I, I get chills even in thinking about it, because that's where you're again moving from that healthy disagreement where you're saying, okay, we're having a problem because you're struggling with being on time, you're struggling with communicating clearly. This is a problem we need to work on together to you are this person. And when we come back, we're up against our next break already. But when we come back, I, want to talk about why it's so important for teens to learn to make things right when they've hurt someone or when they've been hurt themselves and how we can model that. And especially, like we've already talked about several times, the apology languages are so important. I think that's one of the most important tools that we can have in our toolkit, is healthy, effective apologies. So listen, if you're, if you're listening out there and you're feeling like, oh, she's speaking to me, conflict does not have to destroy your relationships. It can actually strengthen them. If you have the right tools, it can be a doorway to building stronger, healthier relationships. And when we come back, we'll talk about why some apologies fall flat and how we can turn that anger into growth again. The book is a teen's guide to conflict. How to deal with drama, Manage anger and make things right. I encourage you to co learn with your teens. Will be right back with more from Dr. Jennifer Thomas. And my father. your great grandfather fought in World War II. Really? He was a gunner on the big ship out in the Pacific Ocean. Wow. Your great grandmother did her part too. Was she on a ship? Oh, no, she stayed back. home She and a lot of her friends worked really hard in a factory because the men had gone off to war and they held scrap metal drives to help in the war effort. The folks back home were heroes, too.
>> Jeff Chamblee: Here at the American Family association, we consider you the heroes back home as you fulfill your responsibility of caring for your family day to day. Your partnership with us is crucial as we fight the enemies of freedom in America. Thank you for your commitment to the American Family Association. Grandpa, what's a scrap metal drive? Let's get some cookies and I'll tell you all about it.
>> The Goodness by TobyMac fea. Blessing Offor: Ain't no doubt about you Everywhere that I go you keep showing up Lord, you make me want to shout it oh, you're the goodness in my life and I'mma tell you my truth they may come, they may go you keep showing up sure do ain't no doubt about it you are the goodness in my life.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is the Goodness by TobyMac and blessing offor and we are talking about goodness today and we're looking for goodness among our listeners. The Lord used American family radio in your life. Have we been there at just the right time with just the right thought at just the right place? We would love for you to share your story as we prepare for fall. Share a thon. All you have to do is just call our listener storyline. That number is 877-876-8893. That's 877-87-68893. Just share for a minute, maybe two minutes. And you might hear yourself on the radio during shareathon. We would love to hear your story.
How do we teach kids healthy conflict resolution? Dr. Jennifer Thomas offers some advice
And today we're talking about the story of kids facing drama, Teens facing drama today. And how do we teach kids healthy conflict resolution? Listen, the world around us is teaching them actively through media, through social media, reels and influencer and popular teen dramas about how to manage conflict resolution. But parents and other caring, invested adults, we have a great opportunity to disciple our kids and to help them deal with drama. So if you're a parent, a grandparent, a teacher, a mentor of teenagers, you know, emotions can run high. You know, that relationships can be complicated. But teens are wrestling with really big questions right now, like, why am I so angry with myself? And why don't they want to be friends with me? And when should I set boundaries? Or when should I make things right? When should I speak up? Which should I be quiet. Dr. Jennifer Thomas is joining us today. She is co author of A Teen's Guide to Conflict, how to Deal with Drama, Manage Anger, and Make Things Right. And she's talking about some clear, relatable advice. And how do we understand anger? How do we lean into the five apology languages? How do we practice healthy communication and turn conflict into connection? So, Jennifer, before the break, we were talking just about anger and how it can be so destructive. And I was sharing how, you know, my struggle, I think a very human struggle, is to move into those words that we regret, that we regret and deeply wound other people. How do you see that? And where's the path to apology and restoration?
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Yeah, well, when we get into an argument with someone else, it can feel like they move into character assassination. We might try to keep it on a level playing field, not, commit what I call fouls. but they may, get flooded, get more angry. And we can see that coming out in their language. For example, you may hear extreme words from people, like, always. Ah, and never. You always do this, you never let me do that. everyone gets to do it, but I never get to. You give me zero trust. All of those extreme words are a sign that things are about to go off the rails. And, so for a listener of any age, I would say that's a time that you might say, you know what, can we reschedule this? And if you think about it, those times are likely to come when people are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. so check your watch. If it's after bedtime, that doubles My advice for you to say, you know what? Let's table this until tomorrow. But if you do ask people to wait, then you've got a responsibility to bring it back up the next day. Don't just be trying to push off the conflict, because it makes you uncomfortable, but actually set a reminder. And then when you have your own time, you can go. You could pray, you could get counsel from other people, you could read our book. but then do be sure to go back to them at a time that maybe you've suggested or a time that's not too far away and say, you know what, let's continue to unpack what we were talking about, because I want to make sure that I understand what you were trying to say. It's also a nice time to add something about your commitment to the person or what you really like about them. So you could say, you know, I really. Our friendship is important to me, and I don't want to see us, kind of just quietly drawing back out of hurt. And so I want to really hear and make sure I fully understand what you're trying to say. And if they go on to explain to you that they have been hurt or offended by what you've done, then it's time to see if you're ready and willing to offer an apology. And if you realize, you know, they have a point, I do wish I hadn't said or done that the way I did. I would like to apologize. What we have found is that sometimes people were offering apologies, but they weren't hitting the mark for the people. They were missing it with each other. Because what Gary Chapman and I found is that people have five different things that they're waiting to hear in an apology. And you can use all five phrases. Those are five good steps to a complete apology. And in fact, if you don't know their primary apology language, then it is best to use all five in your apologies just to make sure that you say something that's going to be music to their ears. but assuming that I know what their primary apology language is, I might go to them and use that, first, just right up front, you could say, you know, I want to apologize to you, I. And then use one of the five. I'm sorry, I was wrong, I want to make amends. I want to let you know it's going to be different next time. And you can end it with something about requesting forgiveness. Now, we can't demand that. we don't want to push people to forgive us right away. But you could say something like, I hope that over Time, I'll be able to rebuild your trust. And here are some steps that I want to take in order to do that.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I think that's so instructive.
Jessica says looking at your own triggers can help resolve conflict
And I want to address two things and what you said. The first is that looking at your own triggers, looking at your own capacity. And often with teenagers, it seems like drama comes late at night. Whether that's a, something you discover, a grade, the homework that's not done, you walk into their room to say good night, and it's a disaster. And it sparks your anger, it sparks conflict. There are lots of easy ways to fall into trap traps at night. And I hear people misuse a scripture a lot, saying, don't let the sun go down on your anger. And I think it's important to look at that and says, yes, it's important for it not to go down in your anger. It doesn't say, don't let the sun go down on unresolved conflict, because sometimes conflicts are just too big to be solved in that night. But you can m. Diminish, your anger and say, I love you. And I know that we have to have a conversation to work through this, but I love you enough. We're going to be okay if we wait to talk about this tomorrow. It's going to be all right. We'll talk about it. We'll talk through it at this time at this place, you know, wherever that's going to be. I think that's really important to do. So just looking at some looking. If you're having. If you're living in a season of conflict and you feel like you're in a rut, I think that's a great thing to look at. Where is the conflict happening? When is the conflict happening? What is your emotional state when it's happening? And the second thing is this apology language. Now you can go to. I'm talking to our listeners. You can go to Five Love Languages Calm. That's the number five. Five Love Languages Calm. And you can click on their quiz tab and there's actually an apology language quiz. So, Jennifer, I took this quiz and I was really surprised because I have a strong preference for apology and the way that they are delivered. And I thought this could be a really instructive, skill set that people can have. You know, we. We may have the sincerity down, but saying things in a way that it makes other people be able to lower those barriers. And what you were talking about, I think is really important. So is there anything else you'd like to add about the Importance of a good apology. I think this is such a great. To model conflict resolution for our kids.
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Right. Well, Jessica, I'm so glad that you took our free profile. We've left it for free on the website so that the most people as possible can take it. And we encourage people to take it, and to share the results with the people who they see every day. that might be people at work, people at home, and, people at school as well. So that when, inevitably, if there is conflict and an apology is needed, you'll know what you want to make sure to not leave out in order to show how sincere you are in your apology.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, what do you, what advice do you have?
When do you step in and when do you not step in?
Let's move to a different topic before I lose all of my time with you, because I have so many questions I could ask you. When the conflict is not between you and your teen, when the conflict is between your teen and someone else or teens, between each other or just another person in their lives. When do you step in and when do you not step in? Because we read about all of these parenting styles that have become popular, like helicopter parenting, hovering over every conflict, over every situation. Or lawnmower just mowing every obstacle down, making sure our kids don't have to face conflict. Or, just a, ah, bulldozer, you know, making sure, well, lawnmower is making sure everything's all manicured and beautiful. Bulldozer is knocking down any obstacle they have. Where is the boundary for stepping in and letting them figure it out themselves?
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: Well, I do family coaching as well as executive coaching, and I get this question a lot. If two people are squabbling, when should I get involved and when should I just remain a sounding board for the person who told me about the problem? And what we say is it really has to, comes back to the seriousness of the problem. Also the age of the person who's struggling. So if it is a teenager, then I think we, as the adults in the situation would be more apt to consider stepping in and maybe even asking that question. Do you feel like you need some backup here? What would that look like? would you like for me to come, and be part of a meeting or help you draft, what you want to say to them? And I encourage them. Maybe if you're sort of a behind the scenes coach about how they're going to respond, they could take some notes, and then have them go and talk to that person, directly, if they're able to. Now, if there's a large age gap between the Teenager and who they're trying to resolve conflict with, then I'm more likely to get involved because of the power imbalance. also, you know, if it's a coach or a teacher or someone who has a, a lot of power over the teenager, then I think we should possibly err on the side of getting involved as long as that's not going to violate any kind of confidentiality with the kids. but we also need to teach our teenagers that there are limits to confidentiality. Like you can't promise a friend to keep their secret if their secret is that they're suicidal. And the same thing for us as adults. I can't promise, promise to keep your secret if there's abuse that is happening. and so you can just let them know that you'll be there to help figure out and to navigate who they need to get in touch with and what they need to do in order to make sure that everyone is going to be safe.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I'm so glad that you brought that up because that's something that we established in my own house as a rule with my kids that they're just, there are no secrets. We have some things that are confidential that not everybody needs to hear. And so we would be, I'd be really careful about our language with that and saying this is confidential. I'm handling it with so and so, you know, with whichever family, member was involved. But I remember there is a lot of pressure even in church groups that are well intentioned to say what happens in life group or what happens in small group, what happens in Sunday school and our group here, what happens at church stays at church. But there are limits to that. And parents need to know and they need to know early so that they can manage conflict that's happening or conflict that may emerge from risk taking behaviors. And so I think that's really, really important. And so my kids would just be very upfront and people would say, can you keep a secret? They would just flat out say, no, I cannot. I'm not, I do not keep secrets from my mom. So don't tell me anything. You don't want me to tell my mom because I have to tell her everything. And I just let them use me for that out in that way. But underpinning all of this, Jennifer, is faith. Everything is about having a relationship with Jesus Christ. And I feel like if we're working to walk with him daily, if we're working to disciple our kids, a lot of times these things that, these skills, they just come a little bit easier. I think that that's just God's grace and all of that. What is the underpinning of faith throughout this resource that you've created?
>> Dr. Jennifer Thomas: You know, we've designed this book with youth groups in mind. we have a secular imprint and a Christian imprint at Moody Publishing. And for this one, we chose the Christian imprint because we felt that, the Bible verses were key to, people being able to use the tools and to speak to conflict and how to resolve conflict from a biblical perspective. So we've been very upfront about who this is designed for, and everyone's welcome to read the book, but I think that especially people who come from a Christian perspective are going to find that they're very comfortable with the advice. advice about how to handle conflict, but also about how to resolve it and issues of forgiveness. And we also bring in the Christian perspective there, like, when does God forgive us? When should we forgive others? And Gary Chapman is a pastor, and so we've delved into the original Greek and Hebrew, and we've come up with some, interesting things that, that we wanted to underscore, following in the work of Dietrich Kwanhofer, who, a long time ago said, there's cheap grace out there, and that's when we forgive people, and yet we're not pulling for them to repent. And so that's something that we've brought back up in our book and we've talked about.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Those are convicting words. And I have to tell you, Jennifer, that's the second time Dietrich Bonhoeffer has come up in a week, which has been great because such words of wisdom and so much more wisdom of words, of words from the Bible. If you want to help your teens identify the difference between healthy and harmful anger and to respond and not react in tough situations and to navigate the drama, get them a Teen's Guide to Conflict. And as you do, I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you. I'll see you right back here tomorrow.
>> Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
