Transcript

Today's show is for the girls. We are talking about daughters specifically

Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for Healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends. Welcome to my favorite part of the afternoon, getting to spend time with you, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. And listen, I'm going to tell you right up front that today's show is for the girls. We are talking about girls today. We are talking about daughters specifically. And I'm really excited to talk to you about this today. I as am a mom, as you know, I have two daughters, and I am an, aunt to many nieces. And I just. I talk to girls all the time in so many contexts in my clinical practice, in my academic practice, in my community, in my church, in my home. And today's girls are growing up faster than ever before. And I think that this generation of girls growing up, we're talking about gender, Gen Z, we're talking about Gen Alpha, who are just now starting to become teenagers. They are facing pressures that we just could not imagine, especially growing up in the age of social media. They are facing influences that are far more powerful, far more organized, and if you want me to be really honest, I believe with a far more nefarious agenda than we've ever seen before. And girls are facing choices that their parents never imagined. So it's hard to equip our girls to make choices when we don't even see those choices coming. And I often find families who are blindsided by these threats that are coming. And we know that in this world that the thief comes to steal, to kill, to destroy. And there's an enemy, an adversary who is prowling around like a roaring lion waiting to devour. But we also know that we are more than conquerors, that no weapon formed against us can prosper. We know that God is with our daughters wherever they go. So today I'm talking to Kari Kampakis, and she has written a book to help you equip your daughter to really, even more than equip her, to empower her. The book is called is your daughter ready? 10 Ways to Empower your girl for an age of new challenges. And I think that all parents need. Need to do this. And I'm so grateful that she's here today to help us as parents to, be equipped to raise daughters who are grounded in truth. Amen and amen. Who are confident in their worth and who are ready to shine the light of Christ in a culture that is desperately Dark and in desperate need of that. And Kari encourages parents to focus less on perfection and more on, preparation, which is so encouraging because, newsflash, we are not perfect parents and our kids are not perfect. But we can be prepared for both the challenges and the opportunities ahead. Kari so grateful to have you here, and I'm really looking forward to this conversation.

Kari Kampakis: I am, too. I'm so grateful to be here and just love the work that you're doing. So thank you for having me.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Same here. And I just feel like we are going to have a powerful collaboration today and speaking about what God's put on our hearts.

Carrie has written six books for teenage girls and three for moms

So I would love for you just to introduce yourself to our listeners, tell them a little bit about who you are and how God has led your path to bring you here to this moment, to deliver this message.

Kari Kampakis: Yes, you know, it's really been a long road and one of pretty slow growth. A long story short, I wrote for seven years when my kids were little. It was just something I just did on the side. And I think back then, we weren't focused on building an empire. We didn't have terms like boss, babe. You know, most of us, especially if we're staying home with kids, we were just looking for something to do for ourselves on the side. And so it really started, I just like to write. I started writing for fun. And eventually that evolved into, blogging in 2011, and that led to a blog post that went viral. It was my first blog post that went viral. I think it was 2012 or 2013, and it caught the attention of Thomas Nelson. And they invited me to write a book for teenage girls. And so that book became 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know. And that just really led me on this journey of not only writing for teenage girls, but also speaking to teenage girls and their moms. So since 2014, when that book released, I've released six books for three for teenage girls and then three books for moms, and then this latest one is for girl moms specifically.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, it's. We need it. We absolutely need it. We need all the help that we can get. And, you know, it's really wild to think about Kari but 2014 was, you know, over a decade ago, and the world has changed even then, even in the last decade, changed dramatically. What do you see changing as you were writing starting in 2014, bringing you to writing this book? Is your daughter ready? What do you see changing and emerging as some of those things that are new and now?

Kari Kampakis: Yes, definitely. I mean, I think bigger challenges, and I tell Moms all the time. The reason I have such a heart for these young moms behind me is because they have it harder than I did even five or 10 years ago. My daughters are now ages 15 through 23. And, you know, we were the first generation to have social media, so that was our big challenge. But my opinion is that I think social media has now been around for long enough that it's been twisted and corrupted and entirely new ways. And so, I think these young moms are facing just bigger things at younger ages. And the girls are growing up so fast. And that's one thing I see, even locally, is that, you know, it used to be you kind of see the girl drama or the girls wanting to look like the older girls, maybe like fifth and sixth grade going into middle school. Now you're seeing it in, like, second and third grade. And I laugh. I was telling some girls the other night, I'm like, if y' all could see what my kids were wearing in second or third grade, like, they were not fashionable. You know, like, they. Justice was the trend back then. And they were so happy. They were very clueless and not self conscious. It was like that age of childhood and just childhood bliss where you could just be who you wanted to be. You could wear the ugly T shirt you wanted to wear and not be so self conscious. And now I just see these little girls that they're, you know, like many adults, but they're, you know, first, second, and third grade and have already that pressure of anxiety and perfectionism they're putting on themselves and wanting to look like the middle school girls and high school girls and the college girls. And so it's just really shrinking that window of childhood. And as you alluded to in the intro, I do think the world is darker now. There's a lot of. There's a lot more evil. I say it's more prevalent and more evident than it was even 10 years ago. But the good thing is, I was like, God is equipping this generation. And I'm also seeing a boldness and a willingness to share their faith and to be, to be proud of their faith at a very early age. And so I have a friend that often says, bigger challenges at a younger age for our children equals more opportunities for spiritual growth at a younger age, too. And that's what I've seen as well.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, the. These are all. I echo everything that you say. Everything that you're saying has been my experience as a mom. And with all of the other girls that I encounter, it is really hard. And my girls, by the way, one of them considers herself to be elder Gen Z and talks about that, how she'd say, why did you let me wear that when I was in fifth grade? And I said, because you felt confident in it, you loved it. But I think there's a lot of moms who feel like, well, I don't let my kids have a smartphone. My daughters don't have that, they don't have social media. I think we underestimate how much that influences and saturates the culture. It saturates them around it. Because if your daughter does not have a smartphone, if your daughter does not have social media, first I'll shout out to you because the longer you can delay that the better. But you are not the norm. You, you are definitely not the majority. And the way in which it impacts their interaction, what lip gloss they pull out of their backpack or what book they are reading because saw an influencer, you know, all of those things, it really does, it really does saturate the culture. And I think, Kari our natural response as moms is just abject fear, terror. You know, we just start to think, oh my gosh, and that those are the messages that I felt washed over me as a mom and if I could just speak to, you know, other generations, we need to be encouraged. We don't need the message that, oh, this is a terrible time to be alive and I'm so glad I'm not raising my daughters at a time like you. What can we do to encourage a, ah, hope filled perspective, a faith informed perspective and not to just be held captive by fear?

Kari Kampakis: Yes. Well, I think especially in the Christian world, I see a lot of moms and I hear a lot of moms like, well, I want to protect her innocence, I don't want to talk about these things. And I'm like, if you're not talking about them, she's hearing them from someone else and might not be getting the truth. And so I think we need to be very brave and bold and just setting those, the first tracks of truth in their hearts. And I always say, you know, don't, don't wait until they're dating somebody to talk about dating. And boyfriends have that conversation earlier. Trust me, it's a lot easier and less awkward when you do that. And there's ways to do these things in age appropriate ways, but just staying ahead of hard conversations. I also believe it has never been more important for them to be rooted in what is true and real and eternal. And by this I mean their identity in Christ. And just know, like I tell girls, like, you may not have had a mean girl experience yet. You may not have had somebody say something very hurtful to you that makes you doubt your self worth, but you will. And I think just girls are better equipped boys too, when they just can go into the world knowing that not everybody's going to have God's spirit in them, not everybody's going to be kind to them. And they need to really know the truth about who they are. Otherwise they'll be swayed every which way by public opinion and by what's popular and what's trending. And as we know, none of that has two legs to stand on. So really, just the earlier we can start planting God's truth in their heart, letting them know their identity in Christ. And so if somebody says something that is not in line with that, you could just know that's not true. And you've got to surround yourself with godly voices too. And the older they get, they need not only us as parents loving them, obviously, but we got to put other people into their life that are speaking truth and uplifting them. Because there comes a point, especially in the teenage years, where they're like, you're my mom. You have to say that. And to hear the same thing from their, their basketball coach or their dance teacher or their, you know, history teacher, it could mean the world to them, especially when they're going through a dark time.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I love what you said. I love the phrase that you use.

That's the first time I've heard that put it that way, that you want to lay the first tracks of truth in their heart. That is really powerful. And I say this all the time. We've got to intentionally expose our daughters to things as much as we don't want to, but in a way that's developmentally appropr appropriate and in a way that positions us as the expert. Because I think, Kari you know, you and me growing up in the same generation, we mourn that loss of innocence in our childhood. And I think sometimes we just sit and we gaze at the past and we want so much to recreate some of the best parts of our childhood, but that reality is just not there. That train has left the station and we know that those influencer voices are going to fill the vacuum. And so we. I, I'm really grateful for your book and having some of those conversations and equipping parents to empower their daughters. I do believe that knowledge is power. And when they go in and they hear Something. And they think, I've already heard this from my mom. Because this is just a brief example. I share this all the time, Kari I have a conversation like this. I want to tell my kids about pornography. I do not want to tell them every vile thing that's going to happen. I don't want to tell them all the details about it. But I said it this way. I said, listen, you live in world that's saturated by screens, and at some point you're going to see something on someone else's screen that makes you feel funny, that confuses you, that makes you feel like maybe you did something wrong and you're just not sure what is going on. When that happens, come straight to me and we will talk about it. And that's what happened. I didn't tell them any of the horrible things, but this happened. My daughter was exposed to pornography in the fifth grade by a classmate, unknowingly. But she was able to come to me. That is what we've got to do. And one of the things that I love that you write about is that as children grow up, we've got to parent with more influence and less control. How do we start to cultivate that influence early?

Kari Kampakis: Yes. You know, I wrote a whole book on that called Love her well, about building your relationship with your teenage daughter. And that's what I realized as my girls grew up. It's like you're parenting your teenager, but you're also trying to have a relationship with them. And sometimes it's a tricky dance because they don't like your nose or they don't like your boundaries or your rules, but you got to do that as a mom. But yet to be able to do that and have it be effective, you also have to have a relationship with them where they respect you. And so, like I said, it's a tricky dance. But I think that we have to have that relationship. And just, like I said, our kids have to know that we have their best interest in mind. And I always think about a preference. Told me that love wants what is best for a person long term. And just what we're. You know, they might not understand a decision we're making at age 16 or age 20. But I always think about how are my kids going to look at this when they're 40 years old and they're looking back on their childhood. And like you said, we're raising them in a different time and so just really equipping them for that road ahead and doing what we can as parents to, like you said, have those conversations in age appropriate ways. But I do think, you know, even I'm like that if somebody's kind of giving me a heads up on something and I'm a little bit better prepared to handle it when it comes that way. And you know, a story from my life that I wrote about in the book was how, you know what?

Dr. Jessica Peck: Actually, Kari I'm gonna hold you right there because we're going to our first break. Do you want to hear this story? And I know you do. Come back after the break. I'm talking to Kari Kampakis. She wrote, is your daughter ready? 10 Ways to Empower your girl for an age of new challenges. It's, it's so important if you are not intentional in cultivating influence with your daughter to empower her to make the right choices, the world is going to do it for you. So I encourage you moms, get intentional today and get a copy and start praying about those conversations that you need to have. And when we come back, we'll hear Kari's own story and her continued encouragement for moms to empower and equip their daughters to walk boldly with Christ. See you on the other side of this break.

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Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is Promises by Maverick City Music. And God has given you a promise that he will never leave you or forsake you. This is a promise that we need to share with our families. We need to share especially with our daughters. Today's show is for the girls. It is for the daughters in our life. And if you have a daughter, no matter how old she is, if she is still in your womb, if she's a toddler, she's a teen. If she is grown and out in the world, if she is 75 years old, I encourage you to take a moment to pray for your daughter. Tell God thank you for the gift that she is and just pray over her life. And I'm, today. I'm here today with my guest, Kari Kampakis, author of is your daughter ready? 10 Ways to Empower your girl for an age of new challenges. And she's reminded us that raising our daughters is not about controlling them. Now, we will often say we don't try to con. We don't control our daughters. No, we don't. Most of us don't try. We try not to do that. But it is a lot harder to try not to control their environments, to control every variable, to control every exposure. We've got to be influencers and empower our daughters to walk boldly with Christ. How do we equip them? With discernment, with confidence, and with the kind of relational wisdom that can last for a lifetime. Because friendship, dating, all of things, those, those digital connections, they are shaping the next generation like never before. We can try to understand it, but we will never really have that lived experience outside of that generation before Gen Z, Gen Alpha. And Kari believes one of the greatest gifts a mother can give her daughter is that ability to discern truth. Amen and amen. And navigate relationships wisely both with others and with God. And so in this book she offers practical talking points, points, heart level wisdom just that helps moms guide their daughters through this maze with confidence and grace.

Kari writes about parenting with influence as you lose control

So before the break, Kari you were just about to share a story and I can't wait to hear it.

Kari Kampakis: Yes, it's just about parenting with influence as you lose control. And I've seen that especially as, as, your child goes to college. Parents have a really hard time with their young adult because they want to keep parenting them like they had before, but they have that Loss of control. And I've seen that especially when the child is making choices that they're not very happy about, then they can really get controlling, and that will just push the child away further. And so, that's the point. I think we really have to worry about. Think about building that relationship with the child and building your influence so that you became a life coach and life counselor that they want to listen to. Otherwise, they're not going to take our advice. They're going to go listen to 10,000 other people. But we can't save our child from every heartache. And. And one thing I wrote about in the book, in that chapter about gaining influence as you lose control was a hard relationship that I'd gone through. It was before I dated my husband. You know, everybody has a heartache somewhere along the way. And it was somebody I knew I was not supposed to be with. But it was a hard breakup. And my sister just had a wedding party that night. I'd gone to the party. I thought I was doing well. I had so much fun at the party. I get in bed that night and I'm just, like, crying uncontrollably. Just, falling apart. And, this was not normal for me. And my parents were in the bedroom next door, and I just had this weird urge to go get my dad. And I look back Now, I was 22 years old. I look back, I'm like, he probably had to be thinking, what is going on with my child? Because this is something I'd never like, said falling apart like this before. But I just went and asked him. I was like, will you just lay down with me? Just sobbing. He's like, of course, of course. So anyway, he comes and he's just. He just holds me. He doesn't sit there and ask me a million questions. He's not like, stressed out because I'm stressed out. He's not trying to control the situation. He just prays over me and just holds me as I fall asleep. And, you know, now you fast forward almost 30 years. I look back and I'm like, that's the parent I want to be. And it was something about that night. And I'm sure my dad was praying, you, know, all night long for me, just in ways I never know about. But after that, that night was a turning point for me. That was my low point. But I just felt better equipped the next day. Like, I can get through this. Just his strength in that moment. He couldn't change my situation. He couldn't heal my heart. he couldn't fix what was wrong, but he had that influence in my life. And the reason I went to him was because I knew he loved me. I knew that he would know what to do when I didn't know what to do. And I think that's the role we evolve into as our kids grow up. We can't save them from every heartache. We can't always control their life or their choices. But I think when we have that relationship with them and we have that influence, say, if they are even making choices we don't agree with, they're going to be a lot more likely to take our opinions to heart or at least consider them if they know that we love them and have their best interests in mind.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Kari that's, that's precious. I mean, God bless your dad for being so tender hearted and doing that. That's so unbelievably sweet. I think every girl would long to have a dad who would love them in that way and pray over them. And I think it's so easy for us as parents to lead with lecturing and, you know, just. It would have been easy, I think, for your parents in that moment just to say, like, okay, this is clearly not okay. Here you are falling apart in the middle of the night. Like, we've got to do something different, but. And it's just our instinct to do that. But if you look at it, it doesn't work. It just doesn't work. And I think especially one of the most tender things, the most difficult to navigate is those external relationships. So when we're looking at our daughters, whether they're having a dating relationship that we see as inherently unhealthy, that's not edifying them, that's not bringing out the best in them or friendships. There is no mom of a teenage girl out there who is, is not invested as a mom who can't say that they have sat and held their daughter's hand through girl drama. I mean, it just is real. So how do we discern the quality of those friendships and, and, and the romances, even with, from the, from that framework of influence and not controlling. You can't see them, you can't go over there, you can't talk to them. Because again, that just a lot of times just breeds resentment and, and frankly, it can, it can have rebellion too.

One thing we don't think about enough with daughters is trusting their gut

What have you learned about influence and, and helping our daughters to discern healthy relationships?

Kari Kampakis: Yes. You know, I think one thing we don't think about enough with our daughters is teaching them to listen to their guts and to trust their gut. And even one of my editors, when she was editing this book, I mean, she grew up Christian. She went to Christian college. But she's like, nobody ever told me to trust my gut. And, she's like, you know, I was always told, don't trust your emotions in the church. And I was like, that's very interesting to me. But I was like, especially as women and females, I think we have gut instincts. Like, something makes us pause or something seems off, but, you know, but then we kind of push it down, we brush it off, or we say we're just being and, you know, judgmental because the person's really nice to us, but really teaching them to trust those gut instincts. Like, something doesn't seem right here. And I think as parents, kind of guiding our children in that process, knowing that one day, you know, like my friend says, we can't be their holy spirit, you know, we can't follow them to college and tell them what relationship's healthy and what's not healthy. Like, but we can help them discern what. What inner tools has God given you? How might God be speaking to you to help you gauge the health of your relationship? And so another example I share in the book was, because this was with four kids, you have different friends with every mom, friends with each child. And so I went walking with a friend one day, and her child had dated this boy that had kind of had the bad boy reputation and then gave her the sob story of how he had changed, and nobody would believe him. And so she believed him, and they dated for a while. You know, the mom's rolling her eyes like he is total Eddie Haskell. I know he has not changed, but the daughter was buying it. And so anyways, she was praying, and they kind of had to intervene. But, you know, I think that she said some things, but the daughter was still liking him. But what made the daughter finally break up with him was basically the entire baseball team came up to her. She was friends with those guys, and they're like, you've got to break up with him. And I'm like, it's pretty bad when the baseball team is telling you to break up with a boy just because of things that he was saying at practice about her and so about what he planned to do in this relationship. And so luckily, you know, that was God's protection. She got out of it. Well, a few months later, I'm talking to another friend, and it turns out her daughter's in a different grade and she's dating this same boy. And this mom's like, oh, yeah, he seems really sweet and great. And I'm just sitting there. I kind of go sit on it as I go home that day. And I'm like, I do not like to normally get involved. But then I thought, you know what? This is something that if I did not share this with my friend and something happened to her daughter, I would never forgive myself. And so I was like. I called her. I was like, you know, please, I don't want my name involved in this. I've never made a phone call like this before. But I just want to share that, you know, he was in a different relationship with somebody else. A friend of mine, and, you know, the baseball team said this. I just would ask your daughter to be very careful, but please don't mention my name in this. Well, she went. And she's like, thank you for sharing it with me. She was very appreciative, said, I won't mention your name. So she had a conversation with her daughter that night. And at first, her daughter was really confused, and she was like, mom, I just don't see it. He's just so sweet to me. Of course. Right? and so anyway, so she's like, well, the mom's like, you know what? Just think about it. Just pray about it. She had a busy week with sports and school that week, so she wasn't going to be able to see him anyway. Anyway, two days later, the girl comes and tells her parents that she broke up with a boyfriend on her own doing. And she realized that as she thought about what her mom said, some things she reflected on some things, like, yeah, you know what? This kind of seemed funny or odd when he said this. Like. Like things that maybe she had buried were kind of brought to the surface by the way her mom approached that conversation. And I think that's just a perfect example of teaching our girls that art of discernment. And I did an article on narcissists a few weeks, a few years ago, and it was so interesting to me. I had people emailing me with stories that I don't even know these people just they'd heard about. I was collecting stories for this article, but the one thing they all said was that. And some had married the person, and some were. Had just dated them. The one thing they all said was like, the red flags were there, the warning signs were there, but I ignored them. And so not every relationship has those signs, but I think a lot of times we can look back and this can be in friendships, too. Like, you know, I remember this time she said she was going to pick me up, and then she didn't show up. You know that we kind of. Can we give it grace or we excuse it or whatever, but sometimes if you really reflect on it and pray about it, you'll realize that God is speaking to you in those ways.

Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, there's a lot of important lessons there, Kari and what you share, going back to trusting your gut. God did create women with instincts. I mean, it's women's intuition. We talk about it, but God did create women in a beautifully unique way. And I know I'll even have these kind of arguments with my husband because I'll say, you know, something is off there. And he's like, oh, you're reading into it too much. You know, you. You need to stop picking at everything. Not everything is a trauma waiting to be healed. You know, all of this. But nine times out of ten, or maybe even 99 out of a hundred, I'm right. There's something there. And God gave us that. And I think translating that to, okay, having the Holy Spirit in your life and having that discernment is so important.

Sometimes we ignore red flags when we're making social calculus

And Kari this is probably going to be uncomfortable for a lot of, moms and daughters out there, but what I've discovered in my own life and counseling my daughters and in counseling others, sometimes we ignore those red flags. We ignore those signs of concern because we're making a social calculus and we're thinking, okay, but, yeah, those things are there. But if we end this relationship, then that's going to bump me out of this social circle. That's going to make things difficult. And cheerleading, that's going to make so and so mad at me. That's going to, where am I going to sit for lunch? And because I won't be in this group anymore, and you know, what will that be? And I think that's why it all goes back, back to God's word. That goes. All goes back to identity. Who does God, who is God and who does God say that we are? And asking the hard questions about those relationships, like, does this person bring out the best in you? Do they care about you? Are they as invested as you are? That's so, so, so hard. And I think they're going to hear conflicting messages because they'll hear the messages that we give them. As moms who have prayed, who have discernment, they go back and they hear their friends say, oh, no, your mom doesn't know what she's talking about this. You know, this guy is great. How do we help them navigate all of those conflicting messages that they have to come back to? Biblical discernment.

Kari Kampakis: Yeah, that's great. Well, you know, and we can. Here's the thing. We can give the same message to 10 kids. Three kids might take it to heart and avoid that mistake. The other seven might have to go learn it the hard way. And that's what we have to make peace with as parents, that we do our job as parents. We teach them. We teach them these rules of how to not. Rules, discernment, and how to trust their gut. And some might listen and some might not. But a dad I know once told his daughter, if a boy ever tries to come between you and God, he wasn't set by God. And I think this is true for friendships, too. You know, anybody. I, always tell girls when I speak, I'm like, anybody who's good for you is going to draw you closer to God and the people who love you most. You know, like your family, they're going to come to your home and they're going to bring harmony into your home. They're going to be sweet to your sibling, not just to you, but to your siblings, to your mom. Somebody that's not good for you is going to create division. They're going to talk about what a pest your little brother is, or make you fight with your mom or lie to your dad. And so just little things, like, you'd be surprised by these little tidbits that we give our kids. That really helps them kind of like have these anchoring truths, like, okay, this kind of helps me see if somebody's good for me or not. And something else I tell girls is like, you know, if you use the wrong criteria to choose your friends, which. Which a lot of times they do, and that's okay. You know, what happens is when you really go through a dark time, you might not have a great support system, because that can influence who your support system is. And I give an example of a mom in our community. She was telling some high school seniors when she went to college. She's like, my goal was to find fun friends. That's all I cared about. And it's easy to find fun friends. In college. She went to Ole Miss, found those fun friends, had an awesome freshman year, sophomore year, her world was totally rocked when her mom was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. And those fun friends basically bailed on her. They said, you know, I'm sorry, like, but we don't want to be Sad. We just want to have fun. And so for six months, she was all alone. And, you know, kids just, they can't be scared to have a lonely season. I know very few girls and boys who make it to college without a lonely season. And that is usually where God is going to do his best work. And what happened in her life is what happens so many times in this situation is that God brought a real friend into her life who is still her friend today, 30 years later. And so those seasons are not a waste. You know, even if you do use the wrong criteria for friends or boyfriends, like, you can learn lessons from those seasons that you would learn no other way. And so that just goes back to the whole perfection. We're not going to always get it right. Our kids won't always get it right. But just wanting to please God, you know, finding those relationships of who's going to draw us closer to him, bring out our best, and help us be the person that we're supposed to be, that's just a, sure sign that that person is healthy for you.

Dr. Jessica Peck: And that just goes back again to our own conviction. We should be convicted as parents of, the need for immediate gratification. We want our kids to be friends with the right people, date the right people, make all the right choices so that we look like we're the right parent. That gives us immediate feedback loop like, okay, I'm doing a good job because you're making all of the right choices. Some things are harder to learn than that. Some things take more than a season. And when we come back, we'll talk more and we'll talk about the 25 key talking points that, every girl should hear before leaving home. See you after this break.

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Dr. Jessica Peck: Hey, friends, welcome back. That's Don't Stop Praying by Matthew West. And today we're talking about the girls. We're talking about empowering our daughters to walk boldly with Christ. Don't stop praying for that. Don't stop praying for them. Pray for your daughters and your sons. But today we're talking about especially your daughters. Pray for them. Get on your knees beside your bed and pray for them. Get on your knees beside their bed. Put your hand on their forehead and pray. Even if they're rolling their eyes and saying, mom, dad, what are you doing? Say, I am praying for you. And pray for them always. If they ask you for prayer, if they share a need a concern voice, text them a prayer right back. Let them know that you are always going to boldly approach the throne room of heaven to ask God to help them. And today I'm talking to Kari Kampakis, who is here to help you find out if your daughter's ready. She's written a book called is your daughter ready? 10 Ways to Empower your girl for an age of new challenges. And we were just talking about relationships and the power of relationships. They can really drain or they can really strengthen our daughter's sense of identity. But we have, got to pay attention to nurture their hearts and set their hope in Christ and give them that encouragement that they need for the journey. Because behind every confident daughter is a mom. Shout out to all the moms here, learning to trust God one day at a time. And our daughters get to that day where they realize, oh, my mom is just a girl trying to figure things out too. And that that's actually a beautiful day. I've reached that day with adult daughters where they recognize that, yeah, I'm, I'm just a human who loves them more than any human on the planet. But really, she, Kari is talking directly to your mom heart and reminding you God chose you for this role. He chose you to Be your daughter's mom. He chose the unique strengths that you have to guide her through and the unique beauties in her personality that are just. Just designed to be in partnership with you. And he has equipped you to lead with love and faith and perseverance. And so if you're feeling weary, if you're feeling overwhelmed, if you're feeling defeated, we offer you a message of grace. Today, you are not alone. You have a sacred calling that God has equipped you for. And, Kari you talk about 25 key talking points that every girl should hear before leaving home. Can you give us an overview of these and maybe one or two that are really relevant for today's girls?

Kari Kampakis: Yes. just. Just sometimes, like I said, we talk about laying the first tracks, but sometimes, especially when it's your first child, moms are like, well, how do I. How do I talk about this subject? I've never had this talk before. And so, I think it's just important, you know, especially what I want my daughter to know before she leaves home, before she goes to college. A few of the talk. The, the points that I have here is, you know, you always have a choice. You don't have to do something that you know is wrong. And that's one thing I've been really emphasizing this year as I speak to girls. Like, you can leave a party that's getting too wild. If you have a date that's being disrespectful, you can ditch him. You know, if you're in a job that's asking you to do something illegal or immoral, you can quit. And so just knowing you always have a choice when it comes to your life. And it takes a thousand good choices to get where you want to be in life. And nobody's going to end up where they want to be by accident. Like, you've got to intentionally decide. And so with choices, it's just really knowing that you pre. Decide what you will do. I've heard some college girls say this, that that helped them so much, you know, when they heard going to college pre decide like, I am going to go to class like this. These are my boundaries. Because if you think I'm just going to let it happen when it gets there, I'll decide later. You're more likely to cave. You're more likely to, you know, compromise your values. another thing I talk about is when your friend isn't thinking clearly for herself, then think clearly for her. And so that might mean your friend has had something to drink and she's about to go drive her car, like, take her car keys, even if she gets mad at you, like, be that friend, that treat your friend like you hope somebody would treat you. And something that I think is so important that we really don't talk about enough with girls and boys is that, in this day and age, you really need to have a wingman. And by that I mean a friend who looks out for you. And I had lots of friends in college, but there was this one friend. We were roommates. She's still one of my best friends. But if we went out together, we would never leave each other. You know, she just. I knew that we could always count on each other. We would never leave each other. And a lot of girls don't have that. And you really need to teach your child to not only be that friend, but to have those friends that practice the buddy system. And even somebody asked a mayor of a college town, like, what's the number one advice you give your daughter? And he's like, practice the buddy system. You know, don't go anywhere alone, especially at night. So some of those conversations, I also talk about some hard topics. I talk about, you know, have that conversation about suicide with your child that just tell them that suicide is always a terrible idea and how we can help you through any problem in life. We can get through any challenge, no matter how, whatever your rock bottom moment is. But the one thing we can't help you overcome is that choice. That. That's always a bad choice. It's never, it's never a good idea. And so I think just having that honest conversation up front and also knowing that, that if you ever feel that way, don't be ashamed. You know, that's the enemy. He wants you to keep it in the dark and struggle alone. But as my friend likes to tell his daughter, you know, smart people ask for help. I think that's a great thing to tell our children. Like, when you're struggling, you ask for help. Do not struggle alone. so those are some of the points there. I also talk about, boundaries. You know, setting boundaries and learning to set boundaries for yourself. Especially as you leave home, you don't have your parents anymore, you know, giving you those parameters. And so it's really important to be able to set those parameters for yourself. Like I said, live within the boundaries of wise freedom. And this is where the friends come in. It's a lot easier to do that when you have friends who are making similar choices too, because you're probably going to be making A lot of the choices that your friends will make. So that's just a little overview. It's 25 points. I also talk about pornography and, drugs. I talk about fentanyl. A lot of those hard, tricky topics that mom about talks, might not want to broach. I think it gives you a little bit of language to start the conversation.

Dr. Jessica Peck: That's really good because we can't lead with lecturing and we can't lead with fear based tactics, because research is really clear that when you use fear based messaging, the only thing that it is very effective at doing is generating fear, but it actually does not change behavior. I think all of us who grew up in Gen X or older, we can remember, you know, seeing a, crunched up car being brought to the school and it says, you know, messaging like don't drink and drive and, and, or, you know, you might even think about church, events where you would see a portrayal of somebody dying in a car accident. I remember seeing a, movie like that as I was a teenager and, and all of a sudden that person is in hell. And it was very scary. It was a scary experience. But what we've learned is that those things, they generate fear. They are very effective at that, but they don't generate behavior change. And we've got to find a better way. And I think that that way is through influence, through having these kinds of conversations. And every family is unique, every daughter unique. Every set of circumstances that your daughter's going to face is unique. But the bottom line is you've got to be intentional. And rather than just having that, that don't list like, okay, well, don't do this, don't do that, don't do that, don't do this, and make sure you never do this. Having I feel like this list that you've given parents as a starting point, Kari is flipping that narrative and saying, hey, this is empowering. Here's what you do in this situation. Here's what you do do in that situation. That's really, that's empowering. And I think there's a lot of moms out there who are listening, Kari who just, who are in that trenches of parenting. There are so many, there's so many things that it just takes a long time to learn. And you may feel like you're just in a season of struggle and you may feel like, you know, you're, you're struggling to connect and you're having some conflict in your relationship. You're having those, those growing pains as you're Trying to, you know, help your daughter move from that little girl to becoming a woman you're not quite friends and. And especially in the college age, I call this quasi adults, because my kids will say, I'm an adult. I'm like, I need you to be a I have a mortgage kind of adult before we can, you know, have these kinds of conversations.

Kari writes about parenting during the teenage years in More Than a Mom

But why don't you speak, Kari to those moms who just maybe feel like they're discouraged and they're feeling like that, Asking that question that every mom asks, like, am I. Am I messing it all up?

Kari Kampakis: Up? Yes. Yeah. I've wrote a book on that, too, called More Than a Mom. And I just want to encourage you moms. My husband and I were talking about this last night. I feel like we're in a pretty good place of parenting now, though. You know, your kids go off and they can appreciate you more. But, there were so many nights in the teenage years when I had four teenage daughters. It was not unusual to have two of them mad at me, on the same night. And it's hard. And I was like, I'm trying so hard. I just felt so defeated. And I'm so thankful I have my faith. And I'm so thankful that this is what I've sat at my computer and written about for 10 years, because I was having to preach it to myself. But what I had to always keep reminding myself was that, you know, God loves us regardless of whether we're loving him back today. And that is my job as a mom, is to love my children regardless of whether they understand my choices or whether they're loving me back today. And it is really hard to do that. And so this is why moms really got to take care of themselves, especially when you are in the trenches, when you are in those hard seasons, the teenage years. And by this, I mean, you might not be getting love from your child. Don't rely on your child for love, because you might not be getting it back. And then you're just going to get angry and bitter and resentful. But you've got to get love from somewhere. So, you know, if you're married, you know, really work on your marriage, invest in your spouse if you're not married, you know, build up your friendships. This is when you need your adult village again. And, you know, most importantly, this is a time to really dive into your faith and get tight with God. And, you know, there are some nights. There are still some days where I'm just like. I feel defeated or like a failure as a mom. And I just go sit on my porch and open my Bible and just ask God, just remind me of how much you love me. Just God, help me feel your love and help me feel loved, because I'm not feeling it from my family or my daughter today. And we can't rely on our children for that. They're caught up in their own lives. And so we don't want to. You know, the instinct is to withhold our love because they're not showing it back to us. But we're here to be the parent that loves us, them, regardless of how they're loving us today. But like I said, to be able to do that, we've got to take care of ourselves. And that that means too, like getting our sleep. And that might mean cutting back on our schedule. It might mean accomplishing less than a day. Those are things I had to make peace with as a type A personality. And like, for me to get the rest and restoration and be the balanced person that I need to be, I'm not gonna be able to release a book every year. I just. I have to say no to things. And so it's okay. But, you know, we've got to really take care of ourselves as moms, moms. So that we have that strength and that inner strength to be able to go raise children even when it is hard.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I think that's so important, Kari because what happens is when we start making it our kids, our daughter's jobs to gratify, to give instant gratification for our parenting like that, you need to give me that instant gratification that you love me and I'm doing a good job. That is not a job that they are equipped or qualified to do. Do that. We're setting them up to fail, and we're setting ourselves up to fail, too. And so then they learn. Okay, I've got to make sure I can't tell mom about this because that's going to make her sad and feel like she is doing a good job. If I tell her that I'm anxious or I'm feeling depressed or I'm struggling with this relationship, she's going to be disappointed in me because so I don't want her to be disappointed in me. So I'm just going to say everything's fine. And it just starts this vicious cycle. And how am I talking about this, Carrie? Because I have been there. I have been there. You know, when my oldest daughter entered those teenage years, I had a very, very broken relationship with my mom. And I was Thinking I brought all that insecurity with me, thinking, oh, my gosh, I just don't want to mess it up. And I put all of that pressure on her. I didn't mean to, but I did. And I. I knew. The Lord just told me, you are going to need a new mindset and a new skill set. And it's taken a long time to kind of unlearn some of those unhealthy ways of parenting and to relearn the healthy of parenting. But you know what the beautiful thing is, Carrie? I think you and I are in the same life stage in that we've got, you know, daughters who are adults now. And being able to see all of that effort paying off. And maybe it took a decade. It took 10 years. It took 15 years. But I think you and I can both stand here and say, it was worth the investment.

Kari Kampakis: Yes. Every second. Yes, it totally is. And I just want to encourage moms, and I think it's really easy for moms. Get stuck and think, well, I've blown it. I've been doing it wrong for 14 years. You know, don't do that's not from God, you know, and. And if you do the work that you do or that I do, and I'm like, if y' all saw the need out there for these girls and these boys today, you don't have time to beat yourself up. Like, they need us. And an imperfect parent is always better than no parent at all. And so it's okay. Show yourself grace. Learn from your mistakes. And I'm always surprised at how resilient and quick to forgive our children are when we unlift our part. Part. Yeah. There's so much they admire that. And I thought I couldn't admit my mistakes when I was first raising girls. Like, I had to be perfect because I'm their role model. And now I'm like, I actually build credibility and trust with them when I am honest. Like, I messed up. I should have done this. Yeah, you should have. You know, we can laugh about it, and that's okay, because I want them. They're gonna maybe be moms, hopefully be moms one day. I want them to be able to give themselves grace, too. So how I'm doing that with myself is really giving them a roadmap for them being able to do that, too, because life is a journey. And, you know, just when you think you have one season kind of figured out, guess what? You're thrown into a new season curveball. Yeah, there's constant curve balls and plot twists. So.

Dr. Jessica Peck: It's so true, Kari And you gave us a great reminder of taking care of ourselves, because sometimes as moms, we just pour everything out for our families, and we can't pour from an empty cup.

I want to give some encouragement to dads who watch mama daughter drama

And as we close, I want to get a special encouragement to the dads out there, because there are a lot of dads who watch this mama daughter drama. They don't get it. They don't understand it. They may be frustrated by it. But I would encourage you, if your wife is in that season of just tough parenting where they're learning and growing, just look at her in the eyes and say, hey, you love our daughter so well. You love her so well. And one day she will see all that you have done for her. I cannot even tell you you how encouraging that will be. I mean, just bring a tissue with you because she might burst into tears. But that's a good thing. Don't worry. Don't let it alarm you. The book is called is your daughter ready? 10 Ways to Empower your girl for an age of new challenges by Kari Kampakis And wherever you are, I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. I give you peace, and I'll see you right back here next time.

Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.