Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Nurse, Mama show, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck. Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to my favorite part of the afternoon, getting to prescribe Hope for Healthy Families, spending part of it with you. I thank you so much for dropping by, wherever you are, whatever you're doing. And today we're talking about something that is really important, talking about building a thriving marriage. Now, what do you do when your marriage is buckling under the weight of parenting children with disabilities? Well, this new book here by Kristin and Todd Evans is filled with hope when you need it most. Now, I know there are going to be people listening who are walking this journey, who know this road very well, who are looking for hope and for help. And you may be thinking, I don't really understand that journey. I haven't walked that journey. You very likely know someone who is, whether it's someone in your kid's class, in your community, in your church family. And we're going to give you some insight today on how you can meet those family where they are. So today we have Kristin on the show, and she has walked through that storm herself, and she is going to join us to share a very practical roadmap that they wish that they had years ago. I find that's awesome. Often how the best books are written, they come from a personal journey, and God uses that now. Kristin Kristin Faith Evans is a licensed master social worker. She has advanced degrees in both Christian educational ministries and social work. She has decades of experience in crisis and couples and family counseling. She brings a, wealth of clinical and spiritual insight to help hurting couples rediscover joy and connection and even in life's hardest moments. And that's what we're going to do today. So, Kristin I'm so grateful that you dropped by. Thank you so much for spending some time with us this afternoon.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: I am so thrilled to be here, Jessica.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, why don't we start with just telling us a little bit of your story and how you got to where you are today, both from your personal and your professional perspective. And, and you're here with this message today. Tell us your story.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: Yes. So my husband Todd and I, we've celebrated 23 years of marriage this year.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Congratulations.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: Thank you. Yes, it's, it's a big one, we feel, yeah, so we met in college, got married, both, committed to going into ministry. And that's what we did. Went to graduate school. Wheaton college began ministry. And then when, our children were very young, when I was, When I was pregnant with our second child, Bethany Grace, we learned very early on that she had a chromosomal deletion and a syndrome called Kurdisha syndrome. And from that moment on, for when she was in the nicu three months, and then when she came home with a little NICU in her house, my whole life flipped upside down and every area began to crumble, including my mental health, our marriage, and just every. My, My fai faith. And that began my journey of, recovery. And then I wanted to go back to school so I could, train and research and learn how to help other parents, other stressed parents, other parents in the grind of caring for a child with special needs, who are struggling.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And I'm so glad that you're doing that because for me, you know, Kristin I've shared with you. I've been a pediatric nurse practitioner in primary care for almost 30 years. I've been in pediatric primary care in various capacities. And I see a lot of kids who have special needs, and I see a lot of families who are struggling. And many of them, they feel alone. And you feel like you can't voice your struggle because it's your child and you love your child. But there's so many complicated emotions that go to that. And what I find is, even in clinical practice, so often for a long time in the past, you just kind of. You just kind of breeze over those things. And one of the things I appreciate about this book is that it's very real, Kristin and it's very raw. And you share the realities of what that looks like. And I think that's really important for families who are going through this to feel seen and known and heard and understood and supported. And it can be really eye opening to someone from the outside reading this thinking, oh, I never thought of that. And one of the things I really appreciate is that you're really honest about the struggles in your marriage. And you and your husband Todd, who has a great clinical, you know, pedigree in his own right, you share that. Hey, we should take a step back and be thoughtful about the statistics that we share, you know, that are kind of thrown around, like how what percentage of couples get divorced? But we do know that it is much more difficult to have a thriving marriage when you have a situation with health. I want to read actually a very short passage. This is on page 25 of the book, by the way, if you're going to get it and Read it. Of, where you are and where that led you. So let me read it, and then I want to get your response. You said this. You said. Three years of 24 hour caregiving and financial strain had nearly ripped our marriage apart. We had no desire left to spend time together. We could barely even stand to be in the same room. But a friend from church had persisted in her offer to stay with the kids so we could go out on a date night. We sat down in the car and shut the doors. Uncomfortable silence filled the space between us. Where would you like to go, Todd, turned to look at me. I don't know. I really didn't care to go anywhere. He backed the car out of the driveway. We didn't speak a word as he drove with no destination in mind. We eventually ended up at the lakeshore, gazing out over the moonlit water. I confessed my heartbreaking conclusions. I don't want to be married to you anymore. We're not going to be able to heal from this and move on. Tears streamed down my face. Todd took my hand. I haven't given up on us. I'm never going to leave you. I believe in you. I believe in us. And Kristin I mean, I get goosebumps reading that. I can't. I wasn't there. I haven't walked this journey with you. But just seeing the reality of that, of human brokenness. I just want to thank you for your courage in sharing that. And I just want you to take us to that moment and talk about the desperation you fel and yet the hope that you found.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: M. Yeah, it was hard to listen to that without crying. we were in crisis. And because that member of our church opened that space for us, we had that moment to just sit and breathe together. And Todd reflected back on the vows that he had made to me, which, you know, I thought at that point, it's too hard. I've done too much for him to forgive me. And he drew from his faith in God. He drew from that well of God's love for us who had been holding us together. And that was a turning point for us. That was a turning point of, wow, this is what our vows really meant in health and. And sickness and, you know, rich and poor. You know, we were. We were poor. We were just struggling to survive. We were dealing with my health and mental health and are just trying to keep our daughter alive. and it. We are definitely at one of the worst points of our marriage in our life. And that was a moment of recommitting. We don't know how we're going to do this. but with. With God and with God's love and with God's strength, we're recommitting to do this and do what it takes to save, and rebuild our marriage.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I think you did such a beautiful job of sharing that, of sharing the realities, but also sharing the practical tools that you learned and that you've used and the therapy journey that you've had and the faith that grounds it all together.
Kristin, you survived an attempt to end your life
And, you know, Kristin I want to give our listeners a content warning and just share, because you've given us permission to share that you got to the point in this journey which, if you haven't walked that road, you can't imagine the. And I'm just speaking from a secondhand account, the physical exhaustion and the emotional exhaustion, the spiritual exhaustion, the financial resources that it cost. I mean, it is very, very diffic. And you got to the point where you couldn't see a way forward and you couldn't see a way that life could continue, and you ended up waking up in the intensive care unit after an attempt to end your life, and you survived that. I want you to speak to that. And if that's somebody that's listening, I just want you to know that's the desperation that someone might feel in this circumstance. And it's not for everyone, because we're going to talk about the hope that is found and the thriving. That's the title of the book, how to Build a Thriving Marriage.
Kristin Evans says she waited too long to seek help for chronic stress
But I just want you to speak a moment to the people who may be feeling like that. And one of the things that you said in recounting this and what you've just said now is that you wish that you had acted earlier. That and getting therapy and getting help and recognizing the signs. So I just want you to speak to that and, speak to someone who may be feeling just that level of soul exhaustion. Mm. Yes.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: And just reflecting back from both a. A place of where I have recovered and of healing, but also professionally and all the research and what I know now, at that moment, I thought something was wrong with me. I thought, why am I struggling? Why am I struggling in my faith? Why am I struggling to care for my children? Why am I having these feelings of grief? There's so many roadblocks to parents who have children with disabilities to going for help, especially in the Christian community with the stigma. And Todd didn't understand at the time and was. Was not supportive, of me going for treatment. And so as you mentioned, especially, I had, I had some trauma, experiences with the pregnancy and Bethany Grace and especially with trauma. The sooner you go for treatment, the quicker the recovery and the better the outcome. And I waited way too long until she was about 14 months old. And now I know the chronic stress I was under, that at least one in three parents who have children with disabilities struggle with clinical anxiety and depression and at least one in five with post traumatic stress disorder. I know that now. there wasn't something wrong with me. I needed help. And so once, I finally did start going to therapy, I started medications. we just couldn't find something that helped me. And I was also struggling in my faith at that time. I was very angry with God and grieving with that chronic grief that parents of ah, children with special needs experience, which I didn't understand at the time. And I did come to a point where nothing was helping. The chronic stress just buried me. I was experiencing panic attacks. I, was hopeless. And I did, I couldn't find another way. and doctors couldn't explain waking up four days later. They couldn't explain to me how I had survived. It was a medical miracle. you know, and so from that point on I just had to make the choice. I don't know how we're going to do it. Time, finances, I don't see much hope of getting better. But I'm going to do what it takes to recover my faith and mental health. And I will say I am still in therapy. BETHANY Grace is 15. I still go three times a month. I do some trauma treatments still because there's traumas that still come up, with my children. And I'm still on medication. And I just want to say that because it's okay, it's okay if you need medication, especially if you're under chronic stress. And it's okay to go to counseling. And it's, it's been a, decade long recovery for me.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And you, you really share in, in the book about the faith application of those, about how those therapies and some of them, you know, translate so well through the lens of our Christian faith. And you really share that very authentically and very transparently. And I'm so encouraged by that, Kristin And I hope that anyone who's listening, who maybe feels like that is me, I'm on that road, I'm headed down, that they would pick up a copy of this book and find some hope and some healing and recognizing that everyone's journey is very unique. The way that we respond to stress has to do with our environment, with our genetics, with the people that we're surrounded by. Some circumstances we can help and some that we can't. But there is hope and healing for you. And thank you, Kristin for sharing what that looks like. When we come back, we'll talk about a little bit more about the healing journey of your marriage and we'll continue to talk about just the what the strategies are. This book is extremely practical in helping meet families where they are. So we'll talk about that. How to build a thriving marriage as you care for children with disabilities with Kristin Faith Evans, right on the other side of this break. Don't go away because of listeners like you. PreBorn helped to rescue over 67,000 babies. Your $28 to sponsor one ultrasound doubled a baby's chance at life. Your tax- deductible gift saves lives. Please join us in this life saving mission. To donate, go to preborn.com/AFR. this June 24th marks three years since Roe vs Wade was overturned. But here's what you may not know. Abortion numbers have surged to a 10 year high. The battleground has shifted from the courtroom to our homes. Today, over 60% of abortions happen through the abortion pill. Taken in silence, often alone, PreBorn Network clinics are standing in the gap, meeting women in their most desperate hour. And here's what they're seeing. Young mothers, terrified, misled, are delivering their babies, tiny, perfectly formed, onto bathroom floors. These precious babies, ones called just tissue, now lie lifeless. 11% of these women who take the abortion pill will suffer serious health complications. Countless others carry emotional scars for a lifetime. When you give to PreBorn, you're not just saving a baby, you're saving a mother too. You're giving her hope, financial support and the truth. PreBorn has already rescued over 350,000 babies. But there are so many more who need our help. Your tax deductible gift makes this mission possible. To donate now, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250 baby. Or go to preborn.com/AFR. that's preborn.com/AFR. Preborn's whole mission is to rescue babies from abortion and lead their families to Christ. Last year, Preborn's network of clinics saw 8,900 mothers come to Christ. Please join us in this life saving mission. To donate, go to preborn.com/AFR. Hallelujah. I know it's not much, but I've. Nothing else fit for a King except For.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends, that is Gratitude by Brandon Lake. And today I, have gratitude for all of the families who are raising kids with special health care needs. They can be such a source of delight and just, it is a wonderful testament to the power of life. But there's a hard side to that too. And a lot of families struggle. But no matter where you are, it is not too late to make a new way forward together. So whether you're struggling in your marriage and you have children with special healthcare needs, or there's a different stressor, it is just never too late. And we're getting hope from the story from Kristin Faith Evans and her husband Todd Evans, who have co opt authored a book called how to Build a Thriving Marriage. As you care for children with disabilities, they've walked this road. They are sharing their journey. And if this is you, when you are caring for children with disabilities with special health care needs, the daily demands really can drain your marriage very quickly and leave it running on empty because you've got medical crises and therapy schedules and IEP meetings. And some of you just said, wait, what is that? If you don't know, you don't know. And if you know, you know you've got emotional exhaustion and connection with your spouse often takes a back seat. And so today we're welcoming Kristin to talk about her journey. Now, she and her husband are ministry leaders and they are parents who have been in the trenches. Kristin is a licensed master social worker. She holds dual master's degrees in Christian educational ministries from Wheaton College and social work from the University of Tennessee. And her work has focused on child, family, substance abuse, couples counseling. But today she's here to share how that training pairs with her own Family's journey can bring transformation to even the most strained marriages. And before the break, we were talking about Kristen's own personal story and she was talking about therapy. Now, everyone's recovery journey looks different. And Kristin something that I often say to families I'm working with is what happened to you is not your fault. There are a lot of circumstances that happen to us that put stressors on us that are beyond our control. But how you, how you heal from it is your responsibility and you have just been a poster child for that. So, Kristin where I want to dive back in is you have shared really, really well about how this looks like in therapy. So once again, I'd like to share an excerpt from your book and then have you walk us through that because you talked about the communication between you and your husband and so you Said, here's where you are 12 years ago. Let me just read a little bit of this. And you said, this is Kristin speaking and it's to your husband. It's been a really hard day. The nurse called out. Bethany Grace has been getting sicker and sicker. It's been nonstop suctioning oxygen and cleaning up vomit. I'm so exhausted. I just need a shower. I'm scared she's going to end up in the er. And here's your husband's response. Okay, what do you want me to do about it? I've had a really stressful day at work and I'm really hungry. What meds does she need now? And then you say, fine, you don't care. I'll go fix dinner. Todd, you never believe that I care. And just seeing that, I can feel that, you know, whatever the situation is, whatever the stressor is, I feel that in the reality. And then you say two years later, after you've been in therapy, the conversation goes something like this. I'm not doing well. I've had a really hard day. Bethany Grace has gotten sicker throughout the day. I'm scared she's going to end up in the er. Your husband stands staring, not sure what he's supposed to do. He doesn't want to say the wrong word and spark an argument. And you tell him, this is where I need you to say, that sounds really hard. I'm sorry you've been caring for her nonstop and that you worried she's getting sicker. And so then he does that. And then you go on to say, and I'm skipping over a little bit of this, but, an example of a present day conversation. I've had a really hard day. That conversation starts the same way. And Todd starts with, I'm so sorry you've had such a hard day. You must be exhausted. What can I do? I'm paraphrasing here. And you say, thank you for validating me. I feel cared for. How was your day? And he says, oh, it's been stressful. And he shares why. And you said, oh, you've had a stressful day. I'm, sorry it hasn't gone well. And then you talk about how you can support. And then both of you say, I love you. And Kristin I think, you know, people will look at that, that, that's one page, like one and a half pages that represents 12 years of therapy work. Where can we find the encouragement in that? Can you sit, sit on the other side of it and say, yeah, it's totally worth it.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: Oh. As you read the first conversation, it. That moment, those moments over a decade ago were so painful. And that was. Those conversations is where a lot of the wedge was driving, where we weren't validating one another. And so thinking of a conversation we had yesterday where we just met one another with what we needed. Todd actually needed a, solution, focus. But I validated him first. It is so worth it. It is. That is where a lot of the healing and strength, has come from in our marriage. It's just learning how to rotely. At first, Todd literally was willing to rotely say okay, but because it was, I knew he was being genuine in his effort to learn.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: That's good.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: And now I know it flows from just a, genuine. He knows that's how I feel cared for.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, it reminds me of another guest I had who was talking about learning to apologize. And the way that they said it was, you apologize first with the will, and then your emotions follow the will. And that's the thing. I think what I see in the pages of your book, Kristin, is you and Todd giving each other grace and space to be human on that journey, recognizing that, hey, this is not an instant fix. He's not going to immediately say, oh, oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, like it's just coming naturally. It takes time. And you gave him the grace and space to do that, and he gave the willingness to practice it, even though it probably felt fake and forced, you know, at the beginning. But that's. That's the reality of where you start.
Why are parents of children with disabilities at higher risk for divorce
So let's go back to what we talked about at the beginning. Why are parents of children with disabilities at higher risk for divorce? Give us some perspective here. Help us to step into your shoes for just a mom. It.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: Yes. And I, and I want to preface what I'm about to say with the 80% statistic for divorce rate, specifically, especially for parents who have a child with autism spectrum disorder, is totally false, is not founded, it is not based on research, and we want to give couples hope. And we are at higher risk for marital dissatisfaction, separation, and divorce. Because all the stress that parents are under right now, which is increasing, especially in the US Is compounded for parents who have a child with special needs. Every area of life, financial, there's added medical bills, added, braces, our children needs or hearing aids like our daughter. And, we have less time together. We have more to talk about, more intense issues that have to do with our children. And a Lot of times we're isolated, which just is the icing on the cake, because we don't have the opportunity to have that community support. Maybe even at our church, we don't feel support. and so every area of life that is stressful for parents, that weight just gets heavier. And the big piece is that we have less time to. To talk and focus on our marriage. And so what we learned is we will never get through the list of taking care, of our daughter's needs. She could always use more therapy. another email to the doctor or school. We have to put not only our own health and mental health at the top of the list, which feels wrong to a lot of parents, and we feel guilty about, we have to put our marriage at the top of the list as a priority, which means setting aside five to ten minutes a day we commit to this time is to focus on each other only and on our relationship and building that marriage. And that is a critical piece to building a thriving marriage while caring for a child with special needs.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I keep thinking back to that description of the date night that we talked about and that church friend who did step in. And you're so right. There's. We've done, actually a whole show on what churches can do to help support families of children with special needs. And that's really important. We can point our listeners back to that if they want to listen to it. But looking at, you know, somebody who is willing to step into that to say, hey, I'll. I'll give you some support and the time and space that you need. I think most parents can relate to the fact that, yeah, parenting is get more. Getting more stressful. The world is more stressful. It's more expensive. You think about the stress of having a babysitter. Imagine. Okay, do you have a babysitter? I'm thinking of some of the kids I've taken care of. Like, okay, we have to teach our babysitter how to change a colostomy bag. Like, these are some of the realities of those technical skills. My child has a tracheostomy on a m. Ventilator. Like, how do you even do that? That can be really hard. And I think that's just a good reality check for those of us who don't have those struggles to recognize the complexity of that.
How do chronic grief and mental health impact your marriage relationship
So tell me more, Kristin about how those struggles with chronic grief and mental health, like you've been talking about. And faith. How do all of those converge to impact your marriage relationship.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: Yes. that is. That is such a Great question. When. And, you know, you think about the fact that one in three parents who have a child with any type of special needs, will struggle with clinical anxiety, depression, or post traumatic stress disorder. That means at least one in three marriages is being impacted by at least one spouse who is struggling. A spouse's mental health directly impacts the marriage, relationship health and, and so does spiritual health, especially, if you're on different pages. Chronic grief, was one of, one of the biggest, wedges, that came between Todd and me because spouses oftentimes, in general, the mom and the dad experience the chronic sorrow differently. Dads, often either move through the grief faster or they remain in denial a lot of times. And then when they move past that, we. The. It's actually not stages as you typically think about the classic stages of grief. It's more states that we cycle through as parents who are children. And dads often begin to experience the waves in less intense waves. Moms have more intense waves a lot of times. And so you've got the chronic grief going on. You've got the mental health going on. You've got. You may be at different places, struggling in your faith. All of that is, if we're not healthy emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically as a spouse, our marriage is. Cannot be healthy.
Grief is messy and loopy and back and forth
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: That's a really good way to frame it when you talk about, I just wrote it down, stages versus states of grief. Because people think of the stages of grief, and so many people who haven't walked a grief journey, they think of it as linear. Like, first you're in denial, then you're angry, you know, and you kind of understand that. But the truth is, grief is messy and loopy and back and forth. And you can have a state of grief that changes in five minutes, you know, because you're just working to process all of those things. And so I think recognizing that, and it's hard because you're right, especially men and women, they process grief so differently. Men compartmentalize. I mean, even just the other night when my husband and I were walking, he said, he said, what are you thinking about? And I just looked at him and said, oh, honey, you. You don't want to know. You don't want to go looking in there and think about all of the things that have passed through my mind in the last three minutes. You know, you probably just. We were at a baseball game, and he's just probably just literally watching the baseball game.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: That was it.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: But that's how it is.
Kristin: Give couples a hint of some strategies to address heightened communication needs
So let's talk through some specific strategies. Because that's one thing that's so good about this book, Kristin It is like a roll your sleeves up, you know, come on. Like, this isn't just, oh, let me give you some information that might be helpful. It's roll up your sleeves. It's time to get to work. You want to do the hard merit, hard work of saving your marriage or not. Here's some practical things, things that you can do. And you have exercises and reflections and journalings. There's lots of. For all of the type A people out there, there's lots of step one, step two, step three, which I personally absolutely love. Let's talk about. Give them a hint of some of the strategies that couples can use to address those heightened communication needs. Just like you were talking about, you have more to talk about and less time to talk about. What are some things that helped you?
>> Kristin Faith Evans: Yes. So in addition to the committing to the 10 minutes a day where we just focus on our relationship, we have become, you have to become more efficient and effective at having. We talk about different types of conversations, that these couples have to have. We have to become more efficient and effective at the. Who's going to take Beth to PT today? Literally, that was our conversation over the weekend before this morning. So we weren't like, in the stress of the morning talking about, wait, we have conference today. we have to become more efficient and effective at streamlining those conversations. so we share a calendar now. We have to become more, effective at having those conversations about, okay, our child is having this problem. We need to. Does Bethany need to go back to OT those conversations? We can get stuck. And that type of conversation and conflict can happen so easily in that type of. Because you've got all the factors, financial time, having to admit, okay, something's wrong, or not, you know, typical with our child's development, that's where we can get stuck. And so we have to become more, able to have those conversations so that we can make space for the deeper, more intimate conversations.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: That is great advice and again, so many practical tips on how to do that, how to build a thriving marriage as you care for children with disabilities. This would be a great resource for you to have if you are in a children's ministry at church, to be able to share with families. And when we come back, I've got some more questions for you, Kristin and we'll talk about some more tips for managing stress together. And I want to know about disability, parents becoming more resilient and you told us that you would tell us if you could go back and redo one decision, what would it be? The answer will be on the other side of this break. the month of June has been hijacked by the anti Christian culture to show their pride in something God calls an abomination. When you support afr, you help us continue to stand for godly values and provide the resources for you to stay in the know about the enemy's tactics. To say thank you for your gift, this month we'll give you the booklet inside the LGBTQ push of the 1990s. To help strengthen your convictions, just go to afr.net/offers afr.net/offers wandering into the. Night Wanting a place to hide this weary soul this bag of bones. I. Tried with all my might But I just can't win the fight? I'm slowly drifting A vagabond and just when I ran out of road I met a man I didn't know and he told me that I was not alone he picked me up and turned me around and placed my feet on solid ground? I thank the master I thank the Savior because he healed my heart and changed my name Forever free I am not the same I thank the master.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That's I thank God. by Housefires Definitely my top 10 list of 130 something songs that I love. Maybe you feel like your house is on fire today. Maybe you feel like your life is in trouble. Maybe you feel like your marriage is in trouble. Today we are talking to a couple who did not give up. And so often when we hear stories of hardship, we're looking for that story with a happy ending. And Kristin Faith Evans and her husband, Todd Evans have not shared a happy ending as much as they shared a healing journey. Imagine trying to nurture your marriage while managing around the clock care, advocating for your child's medical and, educational needs, needs dealing with chronic stress and chronic grief that comes with raising children with special health care needs. For many couples, this strain is enough to enough to drive them apart, to separate them, or at the very least just make them miserable where they are. So from the edge of divorce to a deeply connected, joy filled marriage, Kristin and Todd Evans have lived this story that many couples just hope for. And Kristin is a licensed therapist. She has expertise in crisis and family dynamics. She's got two master's degrees. She is sharing her clinical knowledge, her personal resilience and deep spiritual truth. Truths to share the turning points and tools and truths that brought them back from the brink. So Kristin let's just dive right back in.
Kristin says couples have to support one another in managing stress
And we've talked about communication a little bit and there's so much more stress that comes along with that. And that stress I think is what you're expressing just works its way out. And when you're having that communication, how do you advise other couples who are walking this road that you have walked to manage the extra stress that you have? How do you manage that together?
>> Kristin Faith Evans: That is so important. We have, have learned that we have to support one another in managing our own personal stress. And then we do have to de. Stress together. And so we've learned it's little things. and I'm a research nerd. I, I focus a lot of my time on research now. I, I love reading journals, articles. and so what, what I've learned is it's the micro moments that can really add up, both in connecting emotionally, which, which lowers stress significantly. Even just talking about our stress to one another lowers our stress. and so one of the things that we. Todd thinks it's so cheesy. but we were writing the book and I'm like, no, we have to try this. We, we hug for about a minute. Taking deep diaphragmatic breaths together that is powerful in reducing our body's stress, lowers our heart rate, lowers actually stress hormones, cortisol, and helps us connect. Our breathing actually, gets in sync. So that's one little tiny way you can do today. Couples. Couples can do today. it is extremely difficult, for most families who have a child, especially with healthcare needs or behavioral problem, challenging behaviors to get out of the house together. But that is critical even for just an hour, especially for the moms. We deal with the stress differently. And if we can't get outside the house, that can definitely impact the marriage relationship, with that chronic stress and with, with our body's libido and, and so just getting out for a walk together. It's simple things. It's not a huge go to the spa together, which we do plan once a year. But it's those little moments of choosing to take deep breaths and do a, ah, stress reduction. We even buy eucalyptus shower spray and, and just that taking a steamy hot shower with eucalyptus spray helps reduce our stress levels.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And you know, that may look different for every, for every couple, for every family. But the point here is taking intentional steps, knowing those things that, like you said, are evidence based to reduce our stress. God has given us what my pastor likes to call common graces. You know, that we can use like that hugging, you say that sounds cheesy. Let me tell you. I know that from research, in a lot of different contexts, like if you, if you have kids who are feeling stressed, that hugging for at least 20 seconds secretes, you know, the feel good hormones in our brain. Oh. So my husband, when he heard me talk about that the first time on the show, do you know what he did, Kristin? He bought a timer that's like a game timer, you know, with this little hourglass. And he would say, oh, you look stressed. Let me start the timer. You have to hug me for at least 20 seconds. And he'd start the little timer, you know, so it sometimes, sometimes it's, it's that humor, it's that laughter though that can build some of those things to reconnect, the closeness that we have because there's, it's so easy for distance to come in. All of those stressors just push us apart. So whatever, you're choosing for de stressing methods, it's about being intentional, about engaging in those, about doing those and saying, hey, I love you enough that I'm going to intentionally take steps to lower my stress. And that's one way that you can become more resilient. And we, there's a lot of talk about resilience these days and, but we do need to be more resilient. We do want to bounce back to some extent. We do want to recover from trauma, from grief, from stress.
One of the biggest ways disability parents can become more resilient is support
What are some other ways that disability parents can become more resilient?
>> Kristin Faith Evans: You know, one of the biggest ways, resilient, that is exactly the word that the research talks about is support. The community support, having. If you can't find a, ah, support group and it's very difficult for both parents to get out and go to a support group together. There are really good ones online. There's, there's online groups, live online groups for moms, the dads, some really good ones for dads. There's not as many resources for dads, but there are some good ones. and even for couples, couples. And research shows that online groups are just as effective, almost as effective as in person support groups. And so support is key, in resiliency and lowering stress. So that's a definite, definite, critical piece.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: We'll talk a little bit more about that support.
Only 8 to 10% of churches actually have a disability ministry
What does support look like from churches, from family, from friends, from people who are walking this, saying, this is not my journey, but I want to help, I want to be sensitive, I want to step in. Where would you say, as a start, Starting point for that?
>> Kristin Faith Evans: You know, I think a lot of churches feel like, oh, we have to have a ministry, and we're just not in a space to do that. And only 8 to 10% of churches actually have a disability ministry. We try to look at it and help, Christians and churches see it from a, No, you don't have to have a disability ministry. The church and the body of Christ, just needs to use. Use their gifts. And so the friend who came over, to take to. To let us get out of the house was actually a pediatrician.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Yay.
>> Kristin Faith Evans: That's crazy. That is the piece. That is the piece that's critical there because she used her gift. Now, had she not been a pediatrician with, experience at a. A very reputable, pediatric hospital, would I have felt as comfortable, leaving the house? I don't know. But she used her gift, and it's the body of Christ. You know, maybe your gift is you love to cook. Maybe your gift is you love to run errands. Or maybe it's you just love kids, and you. You'll come sit, with their child. So the couple can go sit on the front porch. And literally, we sit and eat a meal together on the front porch. So, it's. It's thinking outside the box, really, and really just loving these. These families, these couples, these parents, and just saying, hey, you're not alone. Can I bring you a coffee and just come sit with you? It's not, let's have a disability ministry where your child can come and then you can come on Sunday morning. That's important, too. That is critical for. For. For families to be able to come worship. but let's think outside the box some and just how can we love and support and use our gifts to support these families?
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I love that, to think about serving from your giftedness, because so often I think we get caught up in our own head thinking, like, what would they need? What could they do? What could I do? I'm intimidated. How can I. I can't offer to watch their child because I don't, you know, know about any of these technical medical things. But if you just think, of that's a great way to offer to serve, to say, hey, I'm really good at cooking. I love to cook. I would love to bless you with a meal. Hey, I'm really good at running errands. I am running all over the town, so anytime I can pick up a grocery order for you, or go to the mailbox or can I. I'm going to be out running errands today. Is there any errand I can run for you? That's a great way to serve from your giftedness. That way you're not doing what you don't feel comfortable doing. You're doing just like you said. Said what? Functioning is the body of Christ serving in the ways that we are gifted. I. I love that. I think that's such a great advice. Well, I told you, Kristin I was going that you said you would answer this question, and I want to know the answer. If you could go back and redo one decision, what would that be?
>> Kristin Faith Evans: you know, I would. I would seek out support center. I wouldn't isolate. I isolated. I isolated in my pain. I dropped off social media because I couldn't. It was just too painful to see other moms with their healthy babies. and I didn't go. I didn't go for mental health treatment. I would have reached out for connection and help.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You m. Know, I think about. My sister had a daughter who had special health care needs. And she told me something once that really rocked my world. And even in decades of working with families, I hadn't thought about this. And she said, you know, Jessica, when people talk about what they want to have a baby, one of the most common questions that comes up is, you know, do you want a boy or a girl? And she said the response is almost universal in that people will say, we don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's. Fill in the blank. Yes, see, exactly. You know that. Because that's what they say, like, oh, we just want a healthy baby. You know, that people say that a lot. And it's well intentioned. I'm not knocking that or, you know, saying that's a terrible thing to say, but it really did shake me and give me a different perspective because my sister had asked at the time, what do you do when your baby's not that, when your baby's not born healthy and all of the emotions that come along with that. And so that's just something, you know, to think about. Like, you know, and. And thinking about so many people I have interviewed now who have had children. Another story that comes to mind for me, Kristin, is a man named Kevan Chandler, and he was born with spinal muscular atrophy. And they knew, the parents knew there was a chance that they would have a baby with spinal muscular atrophy because he had an older sister who had it. And I remember Kevin telling me his parents said, well, if we have a child just like Connie, that would be okay with us. Because Connie is perfect to us. Us. She is perfect. Perfect to us, for us, for our family. And just seeing them thrive in that is really, it's just really inspiring.
Kristin says caring for her daughter with disabilities has changed her marriage
So I want to know, Kristin how has caring for your daughter with disabilities, how's that changed you? Because it does. You, you talk in the book a lot about how, you know, you had these dreams, you and Todd. We're going to have 12 kids and we're going to live this vibrant, active lifestyle on the go. And that's clearly, you know, not what has happened. So how has it changed you?
>> Kristin Faith Evans: You know, I, I feel like she has taught me, Bethany, Grace has taught me how to truly live. she's taught me what is most important in life. And, I now live with gratitude. Gratitude for this moment, right now, for this new day. She could be very ill and just, you know, she walks. She was never supposed to walk or talk, but she can burst out of her room, even not feeling well, and say morning. And it's just taught me to approach the day with gratitude. And so she has, she has helped me learn that. She's helped me to develop a deeper joy than I could ever have had possible. Because now I have a deeper faith, faith, and a deeper, more intimate marriage. Then, we could not have had the, the connection that Todd and I have now without all that we've gone through. And, and that's the thing about, you know, everybody focuses on the divorce statistics. The new, the research now is focusing on how much richer these marriages are from walking this journey together. And so Bethany and Grace is just a gift to the world. She just brings joy to others. She brings joy to us. And I wouldn't have it any other way. She's taught me how to truly live.
>> Dr. Jessica Peck: That's so powerful to hear you say that, Kristin And on the other side, I. You have reminded us today that no marriage is beyond hope. And that even in the middle of the chaos of all of that caregiving, that meaningful connection is still possible. It's not about surviving it, it's about thriving in it. Your honesty, your faith and your hard won wisdom have really offered more than encouragement. It offers a way forward. So if you're listening and walking through a difficult season in your marriage, especially while raising children with special needs, know this. You're not alone. And it is not too late. Pick up their book. Take that next step. Lean into your own healing journey. Thank you, Kristin for sharing your story, and I pray to my listeners that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon you, and I'll see you right here next time.
>> Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
