Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show, prescribing Hope for Healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends. Welcome to my favorite part of the afternoon, getting to spend time with you.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. And listen, today is all about the boy moms.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Today is everything for all those mamas.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Out there who are doing their best to raise boys. Listen, this is something that really resonates with me. I have four kids. I have two girls and two boys. And when I had my girls, I thought, you know, I'm a pretty good mom. Like, I, I, I'm doing okay here. And then I realized the Lord saw fit to humble me and say, you're.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Not a good mom. You're just a girl mom. And we haven't hit the drama yet. And then he gave me the sweetest, most precious, amazing boys on the planet, in my opinion. And, and I ceased to, to have any confidence in my mothering. I had a prayer life that dramatically increased. I realized that they were going to.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Keep me on my toes.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: They were so good, but just had a different kind of energy and I got a different kind of respect for all of the moms who are raising boys.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And even now, as my boys are entering adulthood, I feel like I worry about them in a different way than I worry about my girls. Because navigating this cultural landscape is so, so hard. And so today we're diving into a really critical conversation that every mom of boys needs to hear. Because boys today are growing up with very loud messages that can label their very existence as toxic and problematic. And many voices insisting the future belongs to girls. Like I said, I'm a girl mom.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I, I, I like a little girl.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Power here and there.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: But as Christian moms, we have both.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: A responsibility and a profound privilege to teach our sons who they truly are in God's eyes, what is their identity in Christ, and prepare them earlier than ever. That's something I really want to talk about before to stand strong in their identity and their character.

Jessica welcomes Molly DeFrank to talk about mothering boys

So joining us today is Molly DeFrank. She is an author and her newest book is called mothering boys eight things your son needs from you before he turns 10.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And with humor and heart and research.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Backed wisdom, Molly is sharing with us simple, practical and fun ways because boys are fun to raise godly boys equipped for a, rapidly changing world. Molly, thank you so much for joining us. We are so appreciative.

>> Molly Defrank: Well, I'm so Grateful to be here with you today, Jessica. Thanks for having me.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Molly, tell us what inspired you to write Mothering Boys? How did God put this message on your heart? Have you seen this play out in your own life?

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Because I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you probably.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Had some experience in your own mothering journey, because that's how it works. Write things because we think, oh, I have everything all figured out, and I'm.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Really good at this. It's usually born out of a season of struggle. So what inspired you to write this?

>> Molly Defrank: Yes, Well, I am a mother to six kids. I have three boys and three girls. And, you know, I did some research. My last book was called Digital Detox the Two Week Tech Reset for Kids. And I started studying these trends. What's going on with our kids? How are they growing up today? How is it different from how we grew up? And I started seeing, wow. The research is coming to show us that kids are struggling, and specifically boys. When I started to dig a little deeper, I noticed, gosh, boys are less likely to graduate high school, they're less likely to go to college than girls. They're less likely to get a graduate degree. They're, more likely to be incarcerated. 90% of mass shooters are men. they're struggling with mental health. And I kind of looked around at these cultural narratives, like you talked about, wondering, well, gosh, what is causing this crisis for our young men? and I saw two thirds of young men say, they're so lonely that nobody really knows me, which blew me away. And so I just thought, gosh, boys are really struggling. What is going on? And at the same time, I read that, you know, moms especially have this critical period of impact on our kids between the ages of 4 and 14. We really just, they think we're the best. If we like something, they like it. If we think something's important, they think it's. If we think they're important, they start to feel that value. and we just have this tremendous opportunity to really form their hearts and minds and worldview. And I just see these parents handing that influence away, handing their kids a device, getting influenced by whoever's on the other side, whatever YouTuber. And the kids are really bearing the brunt of, of both these narratives and parents just abdicating this powerful role that God gave us as moms and dads to just form their hearts and minds. And it's really a protective, thing that we get to do for our kids that parents have historically Done. And we have this crisis. It's not happening now. So what I wanted to do was show parents how simple this can be. Really show moms the superpower that we have to build up our boys when they're young to, so that they don't fall into this as they get older.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, Molly, I'm so encouraged to hear you say that because this is something I've been talking about a lot and that we need to have these conversations younger and when, you know, for me, as, ah, someone who has worked with children my entire life and knows about the neuroscience of that, I know that those younger years are so, critical even in the physiologic way that their brain is forming and the attachment that they have to us and looking at those stages of development. But we have the world that is coming to them, them at the speed of a smartphone. And even though they're so digitally connected. I know you talked a lot about this. Like you said in your first book, Digital Detox, they are emotionally and relationally isolated. And I'm so glad you brought up the pandemic of loneliness because we talk a lot about anxiety and depression, but a lot of what's driving that is loneliness, and particularly among young men because ways in which they would relate in prior generations kind of frowned upon now. And, and we're trying to navigate all of these confusing cultural messages.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And this was actually something that I.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Wrote in the magazine for American Family Association.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I said this, Molly.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I said in a society in which masculinity is often characterized as toxic and that the term patriarchy, patriarchy evokes villainous images. Young men and Gen Z and Gen Alpha are growing up feeling threatened as collateral damage in the cultural wars. And what I wrote about too, Molly, is that pundits are marveling at the rise in pop clarity of these hyper masculine podcasters. The manosphere is a term that has been used. The revival of combat sports, macho hero.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Movies, the surging so called lumberjack or burly man fashion trends.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And the world is wrestling over this. But right in the middle of it, at ground zero are moms.

You talk about the challenges that you see boys facing in today's culture

And you talk a lot about the challenges that you see boys facing in today's culture. Both your own boys. And as you're researching in the landscape here, what are some worldly misconceptions about boys that you are seeing?

>> Molly Defrank: Well, I think one of them, and you kind of touched on this, is that masculinity is toxic. You know, they, you pair that together as if it's this, we hear this in our culture, like, oh, toxic masculinity and the future is female. And, you know, they put that on T shirts all the time. Our little boys are growing up reading this all day long. Imagine if it said the future is male. The world would be up in arms about that. You know, you have take your daughter to work day, but there's no take your son to work day. And it seems like, we've just kind of done a hard turn in the wrong direction at the expense of our young boys. And I think it's really left an opportunity for the church, especially for Christian parents and moms, to speak up and, speak truth into the hearts of our young boys. Because the fact of the matter is, we get to form their worldview. We get to tell them what real masculinity is. And truly, the. The most flourishing societies are built on good, godly masculinity. And I would say that real masculinity means developing and helping our boys deploy the skills and courage to protect and provide and to serve other people. And really, you don't need to go any further than the pages of the Bible and to see observations of, of good, godly men. You look at, you know, you look at Noah, who worked diligently. Well, I'm sure people were laughing at him. It probably took him two years to build, build that ark. And there were sinful people all around him, and he obeyed God and he protected his family and he worked hard and, and he did a great job. you look at young David, who courageously fought for God. He put himself on the line. He used what he had to battle, and he did it in for the Lord. He was really clear about that. you also see a merciful and tender side to David when he spares Saul in that cave. He had the opportunity to kill him. He withholds that strength that he could use, and he doesn't. Boaz was so wealthy, and he. He generously shared his wealth with widows. you see that Paul even talks about in the New Testament that he doesn't want to be a burden to the people around him. So he works hard so that he can support himself financially while still sharing the Gospel. and really, I mean, we could probably talk about great examples from the Bible all day, but Jesus, obviously, every perfect masculinity will. You can find that right in Jesus. But he says, you know, he came not to be served, but to serve. So, moms, we have truth on our side when we're looking to the Bible as the ultimate example. And, and the more we can use those examples to teach our boys what true manliness and what good godly manhood looks like. We're just doing such a great service to them. We're building them up in the truth of who they are, who God made them to be. And the beautiful thing is, you know, our boys are all wired a little differently. I was talking to a friend, she said, gosh, my son is not a rough and tumble boy. He, you know, he likes to sing in the choir. He doesn't like getting dirty. And I'm like, that's great. There's no mandate for, you know, even, even if the majority of your boys, or lots of boys are rough and tumble and they like to tackle. And I got one of those for sure. but there's a lot of latitude. And God wires these boys differently. And what our job is, is to figure out how to teach them what the Bible says about what true masculinity is and how their giftings and wiring fits in into that.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I think it's so hard because we are trying to navigate cultural chaos where all of these messages are coming through. And Molly, what I see is in this generation, as parents, as moms especially, we are competing with that influencer culture. Because before, the people who influenced our boys were the people who lived around them. It was their coaches or their teachers or, you know, their band directors or whatever they were involved in. It's people who are close to us in our community. And to some extent as moms, we had some control over that. We could kind of curate that group of people who was going to influence our sons. And now all of a sudden, with influencer culture, even if we're saying, hey, I'm that mom that my kid doesn't have a smartphone or my kid doesn't have social media, I mean, they're shoulder.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Surfing and it's very unlikely that they're.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Going to have a whole group of peers that are also have, you know, those same kinds of parameters on the influencer culture that's coming there. And so they have peers who see all of this. I, I've been seeing, you know, a lot of, trends towards beauty that are geared towards men. Because I see this influencer culture that says, hey, we can make a ton of money selling a 707 step skin care regime to a 7 year old girl. Why can't we just sell that to boys now? And so now we see this trend called looks maxing where boys are influenced on how to exercise their jaw how.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: To do mewing, how to do all of these kinds of things.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And, and it just feels like it's.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Exhausting for all of these messages to.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Come in and for us to be constantly competing with this. So where do you suggest that moms even start? You talk about having these eight conversations, but just in feeling like, speak to that mom who just feels a little.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Overwhelmed feeling like, hey, the odds are stacked against me.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Can you give me a sneak peek.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: To the end where it's going to be okay?

>> Molly Defrank: Yeah, yeah. And you know what, you're spot on too. You're talking about these influencers. And it's a little disorienting for us parents. You know, I'm an. I was born in the 80s, grew up in the 90s. And so for me, and if you're anything like me, your parents could plop you in front of a TV and know that there was certain content that you weren't going to see. They could, you know, there were as a rating system, but that's just not the case for our kids today. If they have a device that connects to wi fi, a TV, YouTube, social media, there it's not a matter of if they're getting exposed to X rated content, it's when. So this is something that parents really need to be mindful of. And you know, there's the X rated stuff, there's pornography, but there's also like, you were talking about, maybe the sneakier kind of influencing, like, oh, you need to do this to make your jawline look great, maybe you need makeup, maybe you need skin care. So there's all kinds of things on there for them. I would say, truly, you know, limiting those influences and just paying attention to what is influencing your young kids and what is, what is forming that worldview? Because there's a study I cite in the book that by the time a child is 13, their worldview is formed. That's pretty much it. And truly, a parent is the most influential person in a kid's life between the ages of 0 to 13. They haven't quite turned that corner where the peers, you know, when they're in high school and college, it's like, okay, now their friends get to inform it. But if we're doing the work, if we're rolling up our sleeves when our kids are young, if we're.

Molly hopes parents take away something from this book

And this is the thing that I hope parents take away as they read this book.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know what, Molly? Actually, I'm going to hold you right there.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: This is the thing you hope parents take away.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: We're going to our first break. Don't go away because she's about to tell you what she hopes you take away. And there's so much more for us to talk about. This is something I could talk about for days, but we will talk about it as best we can in the next half hour. Don't go away. I'll be right back with more from Molly to Frank. We'll see you on the other side of this break.

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>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Hi, this is Jessica Peck, host of.

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>> Fight On My Knees by Evan Craft: Don'T give up. Don't give up on the ones you love. Oh, just a little faith is enough. help me to remember my help comes from heaven. God, when I surrender I find all I need Strength in every weakness. In the, name of Jesus, Oh, it's not  a secret. I fight on my knees.

We're talking today about raising boys, especially moms of boys

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. That is Fight on My Knees by Evan Craft. And we're talking today about raising boys. And sometimes they fight, sometimes they fight with all kinds of things. Let Me tell you, I have two boys, and when they are together, their.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Destructive powers just exponentially grow and just I love their creativity.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And I have been that mom that, that puts really big limits on screen time, but not even so much about.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Being the screen police.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I've always encouraged my boys to have.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Unstructured, free, and sometimes that is messy and sometimes it's even a little bit dangerous.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: So I've had to really pick and choose my battles and I've learned to fight those on my knees in prayer for my boys.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And today we're talking about the urgency, the power you have, especially moms of boys, the days of waiting until they're teenagers to kind of figure out what you're going to do and what you're going to say and how you're going to shape them and how you're going to equip them for the cultural challenges ahead. That those days are gone. And in a culture that's quick to criticize masculinity, confuse our sons about their role, about their value, the groundwork needs to be laid much earlier than that, before they turn 10. So Molly DeFrank, mom of six, author of Mothering Boys 8 Things your Son Needs from you Before He Turns 10, has joined us to reveal some research based shame free strategies that help moms cultivate godly character and meaningful connection and resilience in their sons right now. So if you're looking for practical advice that fits your busy life that gives.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You hope and help, this is it.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And so, Molly, before the break, you were just about to say the one thing you hope parents take away from this book. We don't want to leave them hanging too long. What is that one thing?

>> Molly Defrank: Yes, it's simple. It's so simple. So we're not talking about helicopter parenting. We're not talking about needing a PhD in parenting. We're talking about those in between moments and just being a little intentional in those moments. And I think back to. And really this is where my parenting philosophy comes from. Deuteronomy 6, where God tells parents, you know, teach your kid. This is a paraphrase, obviously. Teach your kids about me. Teach them my laws, teach them to love me and talk about me all the time. He says, talk about me as you go up the road and as you lay down and when you sit up and when you're in your house. And all that means to me is infusing a little intentionality into the everyday, mundane moments. And as moms today, especially moms on social media, which can have redemptive value, to be sure. But, you know, we're spending time on there. Sometimes we see these perfect images of these homeschooling families, and everyone's sitting around the table holding hands and perfect outfits, and it stresses us out. And we're thinking, gosh, that's not what my dinner table looks like. Or my kid's given his sibling a noogie and the other one's dancing on the table and one's forgot to wear pants, and, oh, my gosh, I'm messing this whole thing up. And the truth is that the best mothering happens right in those moments. it's in the drive to soccer practice. It's, you know, when you're doing the bedtime tuck in, even though you're exhausted and you don't really want to do it. it's teaching your son to tie his shoe again or moderating that sibling fight that they're fighting about the same thing over. And. And it's really just in those sweet little moments that you are the only one called into those moments. Mom, God ordained you to be the referee and to be the shoe tire and to scrub that toilet, even though how are they getting the substance behind the toilet in that pocket? I don't know how they do that. And you have to scrub it out all the time. It's like, gross. But he chose you in that moment to teach and train and gently correct your sons and to reflect his character to our kids. And I just would encourage parents that, it's so simple. It's so simple. It's a walk around the block. It's five, ten minutes out of your day where you let the real stuff come out. And that's where the magical parenting is. It's. It's truly just in the simplest moment. And God told us back in Deuteronomy, you know, as you go around, as you go down the road, and when you get up in the morning and you sit across the table and, so I would just hopefully take out the stress, suck out that stress and that shame if you're not looking like this aesthetic. if everything's not perfect, your ducks aren't in a row, that's where the good stuff happens. And it's literally just about infusing a little intentionality into your conversations, into that heart to heart space with your kids.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, I've said that before. It's the mundane that becomes miraculous, that cements your legacy of mothering in the hearts of your children. And I love your message, Molly, of encouraging moms of boys. If you are a mama of boys and you have boys under 10 years of age, this is where the foundation is laid, because it is all about relationships. I know as a pediatric nurse practitioner that the number one predictor of resilience in kids. And this includes boys, whether they face trauma, whether they face trial, whether they face, you know, any kind of hardship, the number one predictor of resilience is a meaningful connection through a healthy relationship to an adult in their life. And as moms, we have the incredible privilege of deciding to intentionally step into that space. And what I see is boys as toddlers, they're really not that different than boys as teenagers. Boys as toddlers, they're a little grumpy. They're a little moody, but that can be fixed pretty well by a snack, offering, some food. That's the same thing with teenagers.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: They can be a little grumpy, moody.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Hey, I found that some pizza rolls.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Like, they do wonders for their attitude.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: But it's those. Those kind of rhythms, Molly, that I found, like, you know, for. For when my boys were little, I was really intentional about bedtime, and it was difficult. It was a sacrifice on my part. I'm not even gonna lie, because by the end of the day, I. Picking up Nerf bullets and, you know, digging, the hammer out of our yard that had been buried to hold the fence open. You know, all of whoever knew, like.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Whatever is going to happen during the day.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I was tired by then, and I.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Thought, the last thing that I want to do is go have this long bedtime routine. It's like, just go to bed.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: But I would sit there, I would read to them, I would pray with them. It was always a simple little routine. But that stuck when they became teenagers. And it was already normal for me to come in and spend some time in their room at night before they went to bed. I don't know about you, Molly, but when I pick my kids up from school, especially my boys, and I say, how was your day? They're like, fine. Well, what was fine about it? Well, mom, it was just fine. Like, what. What are you asking me? Well, I.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Like, did anything good happen? Mom, why are you asking me all these questions? I already told you the day was fine. Like, what do you want to know? But somehow, at nighttime, they will open up what I call the war and peace of their life, like, and tell.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Me everything that they want to tell me. And so those kinds of cultivations for.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Relationships and rhythms in your relationships, ones that can pers. That can persist through the teenage years and be really, really helpful.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: That that's been my experience.

You highlight eight critical things kids need in this stage before 10

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: But Molly, in this book you highlight eight critical things they need in this stage, in this young stage, before 10. Give us a preview of this. What did you put in your book as a gift for your reader to be able to take these bits of wisdom that you have learned?

>> Molly Defrank: Yes, absolutely. Well, first off is belonging. as I mentioned, and boys today are increasingly lonely. And 20% of Americans are in fact so lonely that it poses the same risk as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. So this is a huge issue today is loneliness. And moms, we can get in front of this by teaching our boys and showing them day in and day out that they belong right here. This is their family, we are their safe place. I like to share practical ways to teach our boys that they belong. And one of those is really just family dinner sitting around the table. very simple ideas. If family dinner is not feasible for your household, make it breakfast, make it lunch, make it an after school snack. it's just getting together and providing that anchor for your kids. It teaches them something, it shows them, really more than our words ever could, that they always have a place. No matter how great the day was or how horrible it was. This is their place. These are their people. relationship. You mentioned how important that was and you mentioned about resilience in kids. And there's actually another very interesting study called the Harvard study where they studied men for several decades. They wanted to find out what was the best predictor of health and longevity. And it was so interesting to me that it wasn't cholesterol, it wasn't income, it wasn't education, it was quality relationships. The men who had the best relationships in their 50s lived the longest and were the happiest in their 80s and beyond. So I think that's especially, interesting for moms because I think men and dads tend to be a little more, I've read, looking on the long term development for their kids, whereas moms are looking at the here and now. And moms tend to be a little more relational than dads. and so we have this opportunity to teach our boys how to have great relationships, how to navigate those, how to expand their capacity for empathy and listening and eye contact. And that's really something that is a privilege to get to teach those boys.

Molly says having fun with your kids combats anxiety and promotes creativity

So, just to get into some of the other things. Authority. If you talk to teachers today, they will tell you that kids are not as good at respecting authority as they used to Be. And truly, I think Tim Keller said that it's our respect for mom and dad that is the basis for every other kind of authority and respect we have for authority as we grow. So that's critical for us to teach our boys that, fun, fun, having fun with your kids can just really help diffuse any difficult situation. it combats anxiety and it's just really powerful for our kids. So I talk about really practical, simple ways to infuse fun into the day. Bravery. that's another one. You know, kids today are really afraid to take basic risks and that's actually contributing to this anxiety epidemic. Kids are so anxious, it's because they need to experience risk and then grow in confidence and say, hey, I can do that. I can go knock on the neighbor's door and make a new friend. I'm not going to die. It's going to be fine. So it's really important. And then just tenderness, you know, teaching our boys not to be, callous, to use that heart that God gave them, to use empathy and, and to treat people the way that they want to be treated. Creativity. With eight year olds spending five and a half hours a day consuming digital entertainment, they're not creating like they used to. So how do we help our boys unleash that creativity? And then the eighth thing is emotional durability. How do we teach, our sons to express themselves in, in healthy ways? Not to stuff, not to, you know, gush all the time, but to really process in a healthy way and then, you know, move on with their lives and, and be healthy individuals. So these are all things that moms can and must teach our boys.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: That is a lot to unpack, but so good.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And thankfully we have 10 years to do it. We have a long time. I mean, really, I think about this.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: somebody told me this phrase when my, when I was in those tough days of the toddler years where, you know, I used to think that was so hard.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And then you have teenagers and then you think, oh, that's way harder than toddlers.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: But let me tell you, once you have what I call quasi adult children, you're like, oh, wow, okay.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: So now I have reached like the ultimate fighting champion level of parenting because.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: It, your journey never ends. But during those early years, I remember somebody saying the longest days and the shortest years are when your kids are young.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And so it seems like, you know.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: From the time they wake up until.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: The time they go to bed, it.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Seems like it's forever. But then you blink and they're Grown and you feel like, how did it go so quickly? And there's so many things that you said in there, Molly, that were so good. So just to recap, belonging, relationship, authority, fun, which is so important. Bravery, tenderness, creativity, and emotional durability. There's so many directions I could go with that. but I really, I think I want to talk about fun for a minute because I think that one of the things that we have as competition as parents that we didn't have before is this constant entertainment. Our kids are offered 24, seven endless varieties of entertainment, whether that's YouTube streaming, whether that's gaming online, whether that is, you know, just whatever, whatever kind of media that they're consuming or game that they're playing. And this is hard because as parents, especially in those young years, we have so much business that we have to do. We have to teach them how to tie their shoe, just like you said. You have to teach them how to have table manners so that, you know, eventually they can get a date and hopefully give you grandkids.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, that's what I remember my, I'm digressing for a moment, but I remember my father in law, he had a, a little small group that.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: He did of junior high boys and.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: He told me one day their manners were just lacking, ah. At the table. And so he wanted to take them to the Olive Garden to get all dressed up, know how to talk to.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: The waitress, know how to order for themselves.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: He was really excited about it.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I asked him, I said, how did it go? He said it was amazing. It was such a good success. No one ate pasta with their face. They all used a fork.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: He was so glad about that.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: But you know, I think as parents it's really, we're so about their achievements. What are they doing with sports, what are they doing with school and where's your book bag? And all of this business of that. I think we need to really come in and compete with some fun that is based on relationships and having fun within the context of our family. What do you think about that?

>> Molly Defrank: Oh, absolutely. And I really wanted to bring fun in here because that was such a critical part of my childhood. My dad especially was really fun. We laughed a lot growing up. And, I think it does help create resilient people because if you can laugh at a difficult situation, it's like a pain reliever. And the research really backs this up. laughter increases pain tolerance. Genuine laughter actually decreases cortisol, the stress hormone levels. And the body's response to laughter is physiologically similar to the body's response to exercise, which was so interesting to me. so actually in another study, humor treatment, using humor therapy was as effective as antipsychotic drugs in reducing agitation, but with no side effects. So this is just an important God given thing to help our kids enjoy humor and, and especially if you're a boy mom, you might notice, gosh, I want to laugh with my kids, but the type of things that they find funny are things that, like, are only words I want used in the bathroom, you know, so, and to that I would say, well, that's great because there's an opportunity to actually educate your son's sense of humor as well. So, you know the kinds of things they're going to hear in preschool and elementary school and junior high and beyond in locker rooms. And so we get this opportunity to form that while we're forming the worldview, educating that sense of humor for our kids. And in the book I also share.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Oh, I love that in this book you also share.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: We're going to tell you more about that after the break.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You've shared such great research, including research.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I recognize to be from Barna, about, ah, their worldview really being set by age 13. But there is hope and help along the way. We'll have more with Molly Defrank when we come back right after this break.

Molly Defrank talks about raising boys in today's world

Here's Dr. Ligon Duncan from the American Family Studios documentary the God who Speaks.

>> Dr. Ligon Duncan: I think the most striking thing to me about the Bible is that it not only reveals God to me, it is God speaking to us, revealing himself to us. But in the process of teaching us about himself, he reveals so much about who we are. I often tell people that one of the ways that I know that the Bible is true is the way that it diagnoses my sin. I'm often reading through a passage and I'm thinking, this. This was written 3,000 years ago. And yet it perfectly diagnoses the state of the sin of my heart. The only way that can happen is if my creator is actually the author of the book.

>> Jeff Chamblee: Visit thegodwhospeaks.org.

>> No Fear by Jon Reddick: I Got Enemies at every side it ain't looking good, I ain't gonna lie Arrows flying, devil's tryin' to make me think I'm going down this time. You might think that I'd be afraid Runnin' scared with a shaken faith but the God I know says it ain't over the God I know's gonna make a way yeah, though I walk through the valley I will have no fear. The mighty power of Jesus is fighting for me here. No fear. No fear.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back. friends, that is no Fear by Jon Reddick. And I can't think of a more.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Appropriate song for moms of boys.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: We have to have no fear in raising boys in today's world. And sometimes some of the things that they want to do are scary. And I find as a mom of.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Girls, I can relate to them.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I've been a girl. I've walked through the things they've walked through. I think like they do my boys.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: It is like a whole new world.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: The way that they think, the things that they want to do.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And it's been fascinating.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: It's been an absolutely incredible journey. And one of the differences I saw.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Very early on was my girls would pick flowers and make daisy chains for themselves. They would make necklaces or little wreaths to go in their hair. My boys pick flowers for me.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And that carries a lot of weight. I really love that boys can be loud and messy and wonderfully unpredictable. I love that.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: But they also need solid guidance rooted in biblical truth to become men of character and faith. We're talking today about mom's role in that because the culture is shouting contradictory messages about masculinity and the role of men, and they're right in our boys faces. But as Christian moms, we have a, ah, very formidable, but a very holy and beautiful task. We are here to prepare our sons not just to survive, but to thrive. We're talking today to Molly DeFrank, author of mothering boys eight things your son needs from you before he turns 10. And she brings warmth and humor and proven parenting tools and research this conversation. And so we're talking today about how.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Do we thrive in the midst of everyday mom life.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And Molly, like I said, we could talk for, I mean, just days and days and hours, but let's go straight to the mom who just feels overwhelmed, who is doing her best, but just feels like. I feel like I'm behind. I feel like I'm failing. I am in such a season of discouragement. I want to be the mom I need for my boys, but I. But I just don't feel like I'm there. What can you say to her in this moment?

>> Molly Defrank: I would say that the same God who spoke the sun and stars into place and into existence, and the same God who keeps the earth spinning and keeps gravity in place, he appointed you to mother the kids that you have. So take heart knowing that he does not make mistakes. He assigned you to this job on purpose and turn to him, pray to him get on your knees and ask for help. And he's so faithful and a faithful mom who's turning to the Lord and relying on the Holy Spirit. I mean, that's unstoppable. Like you're doing incredible kingdom work in the small places that you think are unseen. God sees every single thing. He sees every moment. He sees every tear you're wiping, every band aid you're putting on. Even when you blow it, you yell at your kids, you're so frustrated and you, you take a breath and you own it. And I'm sorry I yelled. You guys. Like, that's beautiful. Showing our boys humility, apologizing, walking out your faith in front of your boys and tending to them and teaching them. That is a beautiful, that is offering your life as a living sacrifice. And it is God honoring good work. So, be encouraged and know that the good stuff happens in the small things. This is God's economy we're talking about. You know, he's not all about the flashy, showy people that are getting the most attention. He's in the, the humble details. You know, Jesus was washing his followers feet. So, so just remember, remember who we serve and remember what he values. Because that's exactly what you're doing day in and day out. So, so keep the most important things at the top of your mind. talk to your kids about God all the time. I want to share one quick tip that I've started using. in the car rides. We probably live like 10 or 15 minutes from my kids school in the morning. I'll just use the car rides and keep a devotional in the car. And whoever's sitting in the front seat or whoever's done eating their breakfast, scarfing down the bagel first, we'll just read that devotional and we'll talk about it or read a proverb. I'll keep my Bible in the car and they'll just open, read one of the ones that I've underlined. And, and let me be honest, sometimes these conversations don't go well. Sometimes I've got kids elbowing each other in the backseat or someone doesn't want to listen or whatever. But sometimes it goes great and the kids will come to me later and say, oh, I remembered this thing you talked about. Or I remember when the Bible said this and we are creating a legacy. And we are. I mean, don't underestimate the generational impact you're having in your faithful little in between moments that you might think you're just casting seeds to the wind, but no, trust God, be faithful to his calling and, and just pray. That's what I would say.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: I love the idea of using the car.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: My car has always been a phone free zone. Like I have a captive audience. I want to maximize that time.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: They can't go anywhere.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: We are stuck in a little box together. And so I always want to use that time to cultivate relationships. And Molly, what a beautiful example of what you talked to us before about your parent philosophy being Deuteronomy 6. And even though they didn't have cars in the Bible, as we go along.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: The road is still applicable today, even.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Thousands of years later. And really what you're talking about is just cultivating those little moments of connection, even if it's in the middle of chaos, even if, you know somebody's going.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: To throw up or somebody is going to whatever chaos or calamity might befall you.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: It's about cultivating those moments of connection in the middle of that. But we're busy and it is hard for us. I mean, we are trying to keep them fed, keep their clothes on, keep.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Them safe, which those things are overwhelming.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: In and of itself. How do you help moms to cultivate those moments of connection, especially when they're young?

>> Molly Defrank: Yeah, I would just say you're kind of, you want to be on the hunt for them, you know, be open to them, keep your heart open to them. I think the most important thing truly is a, a robust prayer life, a robust, faith, a motherly faith is the most important part of parenting. I truly believe that. Because I can't do anything without God. it's his spirit working in me that allows me to do anything good. And it really, that prayer life and that openness to listening to him, he will nudge you, in these moments of, hey, maybe bring that kid in while you're making banana bread, that kid sitting over there. I think you could use a little bit of time together. And it's like, okay, well, frankly, sometimes you don't really want to. Sometimes you're thinking, oh, I just want to get this task done.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Yes.

>> Molly Defrank: But I've never regretted it. When I do, when I do that or, you know, I'm going to run to the grocery store real quick. I just, I, I just need to get one thing. Just grab that kid that you're having a hard time with and pull them in the car. And it's wild. What a little bit of intentional time. Even if you're quiet for some of it, it's that together Time. It's just amazing what that will do for our kids and for our relationships, which, as we mentioned, is truly the foundation for all of our parenting and for our kids futures.

Sometimes it's hard because we're so distracted. And I'm really grateful, Molly, that when my kids were born

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Sometimes it's hard because we're so distracted. And you know, for me it's been really interesting. I see families, you know, all day, every day when I'm in clinical practice and I see all kinds of interactions and it's really, it's very hard to see when you're in it, you know, to see, to step outside of your own mothering journey, to critique your. But having been able to watch all of these interactions, I see it changing even from birth. And I'm really grateful, Molly, that when my kids were born, when they were newborns, I didn't have a smartphone because I see so many parents, even with little babies, and they're, they're feeding their babies in time that moms used to have, you know, where they memorize every freckle or talk to them or sing to them or pray over them. They're scrolling through their smartphones. And I don't say that as judgment because I am certainly guilty of having, being a distracted mom, but I see us just being so distracted and we are distracted by screens as well. And we miss like that little moment of worry, like if we're saying something, if we're not looking at their face, you see that little unspoken message that crosses their face, like something's not quite right there. And we're missing the opportunity, I think, to connect with them earlier, to coach them in that moment. And then it's all of a sudden it blows up and then it's like you're having this little movie moment where.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You go back and have all the.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Flashbacks and you see, oh, there it.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Was, this, this, this, this.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And I think part of that has to do with too, like, instant gratification. And I know you talk about that in your book. We want to see problems that are easy to solve and quick to solve because that makes us feel better as moms. Like, oh, great, I solved that. I can get back to what I'm doing and I don't have to worry. We don't have a lot of tolerance for things that take a long time. But these character connection, these character building relationship connections, they take time. So how do you, how can moms trust that they're making a difference even when they don't see those immediate results?

>> Molly Defrank: Yes. Well, let me pull an illustration here. I live in central California, and we grow here in California. We grow like 90% of the nuts in the country. I'm pun intended, by the way. Here in California we do, honestly, but.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Oh, no comment, no comment.

>> Molly Defrank: So my father in law works in agriculture and he was telling me about pistachio trees and he said, these trees, you know, they don't produce any fruit for seven years. So these farmers for, for seven or eight years, they are, they're planting the trees, they're watering them, they're protecting against pests, they're pruning the trees, they're looking out for, you know, flooding or drought or whatever. Protect, protect them from freezes and all of these, all of this hard work they're doing and they don't even see a glimmer of any fruit for seven or eight years. And I, I, that just made me smile when I heard it because I was thinking that's parenting, you know, and sometimes for parenting it's more than seven or eight years. But like you mentioned, we are, we are just up against this constant comparison of instant gratification. Instant. For us, even as parents, we want the instant gratification. We don't want struggle. And yet we have this task set before us that is literally just all about struggle and waiting and patience and perseverance and grit and ironically, all of those skills that we're trying to build up in our kids at the same time. So it's a challenge. And that's why I think that it's so important to build our lives on that solid rock of faith, because we trust that God is working even when we can't. See that's what faith is. and those are the living your life that way will get passed on to our kids. They will. It's, you know, it's shown that kids who, whose parents are truly authentically living out the faith are more likely to then follow it. But we need to know that it takes time and patience and a lot of setbacks and a lot of humility and just trusting God. And remembering too, that, you know, whether our kids turn out, the way we want them to, or even to be believers or all of these things that concern us, those things are really above our pay grade. Our job as moms is to be faithful to the calling that God gave us, us, and trust him with the fruit that they will bear because they're going to be accountable to God too. So, so truly just keeping our head down, turning to God and staying faithful with our kids. And there's such a peace in knowing that God is sovereign over their hearts and over all circumstances.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, I had a really similar experience the first time I ever visited a pineapple field. I didn't know that those nuts took seven years to grow, but a pineapple takes two years. And I remember this distinct visual of looking at this field of red dirt. There was nothing there. It looked very. It looked very desert like. But yet there were the workers out there because they had confidence in the seeds that they had planted. And, Molly, one of the things that really struck in my heart then has really stuck with me is the. That our kids need to see that confidence. They need to see we are confident in what we are planting. We are confident in the care that we are giving them and the training that we are giving them. And we. We are confident that we will see their fruits grow and. And blossom. And I think that's so important. And at this early stage of parenting, especially sometimes, we tend early on to give unintentionally messages of identity because we generalize character. We generalize behavioral struggles into character floss. And we find ourselves when we say that like, why are you always so. Why do you have to. Every time. Why can't you just.

>> Molly Defrank: Just.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: And we think about those. When really we have to give those messages. You're a great kid who's struggling with keeping things organized. You're a great kid who's struggling with knowing when what's respectful and what's not respectful. And really, I think that can be something that's really powerful for, us as moms to speak those words of life and for them to see that confidence. Yeah, you may have a struggle now, but I am confident that you are more than a conqueror because that's who God's created you to be. Well, Molly, like I said, we could talk forever.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: We're at our last minute here.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Tell everybody where they can find your.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Book and where they can connect with.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You to learn more.

>> Molly Defrank: Absolutely. The book is mothering boys eight things your son needs from you before he turns 10. And you can find it anywhere books are sold. Amazon, Barnes and Noble. you can find me on my website, mollydfrank.com or I'd love to connect on Instagram. So it's so great to be here with you. Thanks so much for having me, Jessica.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Absolutely. You heard it, Molly DeFrank Mothering boys eight things your Son needs from you before he turns 10. For all the boy mamas out there, listen. May the Lord bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You and no calamity to come to your home today.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: When boys bring chaos.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: But I love, love, love that I.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Thank you so much for joining us today. And listen, we'll be right back here with you tomorrow with more hope and help for. And we have hope for help families. That is what we are all about. We'll see you next time.

>> Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.