Transcript

Dr. Jessica Peck hosts Ask Dr. Nurse Mama Friday on American Family Radio

>> Jeff Chamblee: Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

>> Amber Brown: Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to my favorite time of day, getting to spend time with you, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. It is fry Yay. And I'm so excited that it is fry yay. I'm actually coming to you on the road today. I am a busy mom. Let me tell you, having four kids, you think the toddler years are hard, and nobody prepares you for launching kids into adulthood. Can I get an amen from anybody out there listening? It is tough work, but so rewarding and so great. And it just feels like this Friday has been a little off the rails. So if it's sounding different on the radio, if you're thinking she sounds different. Yep. We're trying our best to make it work. I wanted to make sure that I was here to spend time with you, and I am here to do that. It is Ask Dr. Nurs Mama Friday, and I have some really important information to share with you about tech habits. We're going to talk today about tracking your tech use and about being transparent with your technology. There is so much wisdom for us to have here as parents. I know I need it. We are navigating a world for our kids that we never grew up with, and trying to navigate it as adults is hard, too. So we're going to be talking all of those things.

American Family association foundation thanks you for your financial support

But before we do, I have a special little treat. We have a drop in visitor today from another busy mama who is working, doing all of the summer things. We've got Chelsea Wildmon here. Many of you have heard Chelsea on the show before. She runs American Family association foundation, and she's here with a reminder for us, a really important reminder about how your financial support really allows us to continue upholding godly values through all of the ministries that American Family association does. It is so important, and it takes a lot of time, a lot of resources, a lot of people who are really dedicated to bringing you news that you can trust. And so, Chelsea, thanks so much for dropping by. I know, like I said, you are a busy mama in the summer. We're doing our best to hold all the things together. And I appreciate you giving us this important reminder.

>> Amber Brown: Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me today.

American Family Association Foundation helps donors in their retirement years through charitable gift annuity

>> Amber Brown: Well, tell us, how we can contribute, because this work, like I said, does require resources. How can we give to the American Family Association Foundation?

>> Amber Brown: Yes. So beyond Just an outright gift to the ministry. The AFA foundation exists to help donors, really in their retirement years through a charitable gift annuity. A charitable gift annuity is when you give, any amount, $2,000 or above, then in return you get a fixed income for life and then that income percentage is paid out at time of your choosing. Usually during retirement years you do get some wonderful tax benefits. From that you get a partial tax deduction as well as partial tax free income. And then we pass away and go home to be with the Lord. Any remaining funds are then gifted to AFA to continue our ministry's work for the Lord. So it's a wonderful retirement tool, to plan for your retirement years for some stable income. And Jessica, you will have to, you will have to. excuse me, I have one of those good old Mississippi summer cold. So, so sorry for that today, but thank you for having me on to speak about the foundation.

>> Amber Brown: Well, thanks so much, Chelsea. Those. That is the danger when we got all the kids home m and everybody can bring home things and I love for them to, you know, give me hugs and be close, but yep, that's one of the dangers that comes with just having all the kids around. But Chelsea, thank you so much for joining us. Where can our listeners go to find out more?

>> Amber Brown: Yes, they can visit afafoundation.net and actually, we have a wonderful event coming up and I wanted to touch on that if you have a moment. it is our weekend with AFA, so the weekend with AFA, we are hosting that October 2nd through the 4th of this year at Kingfisher Lodge here in Tupelo. We wanted to give folks a chance who have never seen our headquarters or our radio space to down take a tour, get some rest, relaxation, stay at a nice, upscale boutique here in Tupelo and really get that Southern hospitality of AFA and afr. So we will have some speakers, some wonderful meals together and we really would love for folks to join us and they can figure out more information@AFA.netweekend. so again, that's October 2nd through the 4th here in TCP and they can look at more information asA.netweekend Chelsea, thank.

>> Amber Brown: You so much for all that you do. Of course, Chelsea Wildmon, you are part of the Wildmon family and it is really American Family association takes that family seriously. And I know coming up on my second birthday here with afa, I can't believe it, really. You practice what you preach and it is such a blessing to see your family serving so faithfully. And when we look at the attacks that come today and the messages that are really difficult that we're fighting. In culture, it's so important to have people who are standing together. So I really appreciate that so much. And having been to Tupelo, it is charming. That Southern hospitality thing is very real. There are amazing places to eat. There are wonderful people to see. And AFA is just such a beautiful facility. I really hope that you will take advantage of that. So if you want to know more about the foundation, afafoundation.net Chelsea One more time, where do we go to find about that weekend?

>> Amber Brown: Yes, weekend with AFA. And that is afa.net weekend and they can also give us a call at 1-800-326-4543, extension 34 5.

>> Amber Brown: Well, I just pulled it up on my own computer, afa.netweekend and it looks amazing. I mean it. I love summer, but this makes me ready for fall. I've got some October vibes going here. It is absolutely beautiful. So I hope that you will take advantage of that. And Chelsea, thanks so much for stopping by today. We are so appreciative of your time and all that you do for the American Family Association.

>> Amber Brown: Thank you so much. Have a wonderful weekend.

>> Amber Brown: Okay. You too. Feel better soon.

American Family Association is on a mission to have 52 habits for healthy families

All right. Well, friends, that is an important reminder. And when we look back at the habits that we have been focusing on since the beginning of the year, if you joined in since January, you know we are on a mission to have 52 habits for healthy families. And we have giving generously was one of those habits. And actually not even coincidentally, I think AFA even just posted about that because it is a reminder that is a spiritual discipline. And in this world, we need resources. As parents, as spouses, as aunts, as brothers, as cousins, as all of these family relationships, as we are trying to walk with the Lord every single day, we need those resources for encouragement. We need to hear the testimonies of others. We need to hear news from a trusted source. And all of those things are things that the American Family association are working so hard to provide. But those things do take money. And so we appreciate very much you considering giving. And of course, we'll be looking forward also in October to share a thon that time twice a year where we take to raise funds to continue the work of the American Family Association. So that is really important. And when we talk about our resources today, our most valuable resource is our time. It is absolutely our time. And when we look at the habits that we've been talking about to Help your family be healthy. They will not make your family perfect because no perfect family exists. Definitely mine included. But these are science supported, scripture backed healthy habits that will help your family to live in a healthy relationship. And we've talked about spiritual disciplines, we have talked about communication and this summer we're really spending a lot of time talking about media and technology habits. So today I've got a tough message for all of us. So buckle up and let's go because we are talking. I'm going to ask you some hard questions about tracking your tech use and we're going to unpack the spiritual, the emotional and the physical impact of technology on our lives today. But don't lose heart. It may start off tough, but I'm not going to end without giving you some practical steps for reclaiming your time and protecting your family and really living in freedom, not tethered to tech all of the time.

The average American adult spends over seven hours a day looking at screens

I want to start by reminding us of a scripture from Psalm 139:23 24 Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts and see if there be any grievous way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. This is what I'm opening with as a challenge for you to ask God to search your heart. To search your heart on your tech habits and your tech transparency. Those are the two habits we'll be talking about today. Because sometimes tech is such a stealthy thing. It comes into our life and we don't even realize the ways that it is holding us in bondage. It is convenient, it is helpful, but if it is left unchecked, I promise you it will become the number one thief of your time. It will be the thing that steals the most from you in time. And we are often the last to notice as we are sitting there being robbed blind and we don't even realize it. Do you want to die with more memories of your phone than your people? That is really big conviction, but that's the society that we're living in. We are living in a world that's not just distracted. We are displacing real life with screen life. We are watching others live, scrolling, replacing actually living ourselves. And that is something we don't want to do. Let me share with you some statistics that really will help us with a gut check. Did you know that the average American adult spends over seven hours a day looking at screens? As an adult, teens spend almost nine hours per day of just recreational screen time that does not even include schoolwork and tweens are about five to six hours per day of recreational screen time. Now we saw this really increase post Covid and we see screen time increasing by close to 20% post Covid. It has not returned to pre pandemic levels because we had kids who were completely stripped of all of their in person social interactions. And that was a severe psychological, social, mental health injury that we will be years in overcoming and I'm honestly not convinced and will ever be fully corrected. And we as parents, our knee jerk reaction to that is to be the screen time police. But we've got to recognize that we've got to provide a compelling alternative and we've got to look at our own tech use. Now when we look at social media in particular, we know that teens spend about three hours a day on social media. And we have to think too. When we're looking at screens so often, especially teens, we're looking at, at pictures of ourselves, we're looking at images of ourselves, we're looking at live video feed of ourselves. And that's just not how society was meant to be where we are hyper scrutinizing every expression, every physical manifestation of our face and kids are looking at their face for that long period of time. That is not a good place to be. And 62% of teenagers report feeling compelled to check their phones as soon as they wake up. Now adults check their phones on an average. Can you guess how many times a day you might check your phone? I'll just give you a minute to think in your head. A number. Adults on average pick up their phone 96 times per day. This is about once every 10 minutes. This is concerning heavy social media users. We know from research that that means using it at least five hours a day. They are three times more likely to experience symptoms of depression or anxiety. Excessive screen time is linked poor sleep quality, increased irritability and decreased attention span in both children and adults. 54% of parents say managing their child's screen time is a constant struggle. 72% of us are worried our kids are spending too much time online. But only about a third of us say we know what to do about it. Families who intentionally reduce screen time report higher levels of connection and communication. Because we're not just watching content, we are being shaped by it. Every scroll is a decision and every decision is writing your life story. We often say we don't have time, but maybe we've just given that time to our screens. Ephesians 5 warns us, look carefully then how you walk. Not as unwise, but as Wise making the best use of time because the days are even. When we come back, I'm going to give you some ways that tech may be invading your life without you even knowing it. And I'll give you some practical help for how we can track our tech use and finally get control of our screen time. Is this a pipe dream? I don't know, but we're in it together. I'll see you on the other side of this break.

Shawn Rodriguez partnered with Preborn to introduce mothers with unplanned pregnancies

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: You've heard a lot about saving babies on this show. That's because it's important to me personally. And let me just be frank with you. We need to save them. That is why we've partnered with PreBorn, the nation's leader, in introducing mothers with unplanned pregnancies to their babies. And once she hears that heartbeat and sees that precious life growing inside of her, she is twice as likely to choose life. Now, that is a miracle. But quite honestly, if we don't save them, who will? PreBorn receives no government funding, so their work is completely dependent on us. PreBorn has rescued over 280,000 babies. And that's not all. They provide love, support and counseling for up to two years for free. Saving lives and souls. One ultrasound is just $28 or $140 helps to rescue five babies. Abortion doesn't stop, so we can't. Together, you and I can save lives. Just call pound250 on your cell and say the keyword baby. That's two fifty, baby. Or go to preborn.com. that's preborn.com.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: This is how we knock down walls. Yeah. This is how we overcome when we.

>> Amber Brown: Believe that our unbelievable m. welcome back, friends. That is unbelievable by Shawn Rodriguez. And you know, sometimes I look at the world today and I think it is unbelievable where we are. It is unbelievable. Some of the things that are going on, the things that our kids are facing, the things that we hear on the news, it feels unbelievable. But the one thing that we can believe on is that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He loves you and he cares about you. And he has told us that in this world we would have trouble, but we can take heart because he has overcome the world.

Doctor Nurse Mama answers your questions on Ask doctor nursemama Friday

Welcome back, friends. We are here on the doctor Nurse Mama show on Ask doctor nursemama Friday, where I answer your questions that you have. And this year, I've really been focusing on answering questions around these habits that we've been sharing with you. If you've missed out, go check out the doctor Nurse Mama coaching minutes. You can get caught up a minute each habit or you can listen to any Friday show. And we take a deep dive into these things that are really invading our families and ways that we can be faithful in spiritual disciplines to help our families to be the healthiest that they possibly can be. Today we're talking about two tech habits. We're talking about tracking our time that we're spending on tech and we're talking about being transparent in our tech use.

Technology is invading your modern life without you even noticing it

So let's get into talking about ways that tech might be invading your modern life without you even noticing it. And, think about it. Compare how life is today, so normal. And think about life and the way that you grew up. And it is almost unrecognizable. And yet these are things that we've just accepted into society. I, want you to think about the constant notifications that you get from your phone. Pings, buzzes, banners. They train our brains to seek interruption. Now, some of those things are helpful, but the honest truth is many of those notifications that we have are marketing in nature. They're trying to steal our attention because they want us to spend time on their platform to see the advertisements they have. They want to sell us a product. This is not a. Ah. Most of these notifications aren't people who are really concerned about your well being and saying, oh, I want to check on you. A lot of times these are just distractions. And we even develop phantom vibrations, phantom notifications where we think, oh, was that my phone? Was that your phone? Whose phone was that? And sometimes we can even feel anxious if our phone is out of sight. We also have default dependency. If we're lost, we go to the Internet for maps, or if we're bored, we scroll. If we're waiting, we check our phone. We rarely sit in silence. We rarely reflect or daydream or just engage with people around us. Even I know people we don't even know. Which is something that this generation doesn't see as much because tech is filling every idle moment that we have have. We're also bombarded by information overload. We have tons of invisible mental clutter. I know my kids have been on me about this because they'll say, I told you that I said that. And I think, but there's so much mental clutter. I have so much input, so much sensory input. It is hard to remember who said what. When we have headlines, we have alerts, we have opinions, we have ads, we have reels. And it taxes our focus, it taxes our decision making it. And it impacts our Memory, it really literally does. Tech has also become a third party in relationships that just wasn't there before. Because we have phones at the dinner table, we text while we're walking, we watch TV while spending time together, and we're just really co scrolling is what we're doing. We often just coexist by that co scrolling rather than connecting. We can also sometimes have smart home overload or self tracking overload because we're tracking our sleep, tracking our steps, tracking our calories, tracking our productivity. But we are not tracking, our time. We're not tracking our peace, our presence with our family, we're not tracking our prayer. We don't track these kind of spiritual habits the way that we track our health and our tech. We are trading intuition for data. Even in parenting or self care. When we're looking at how is our kid doing well, what does my aura ring say about my heart? And again, those things can be helpful tools. But we need to make sure that we're being really thoughtful. Because our default downtime is screen time, we are rarely sitting with a book taking a walk, uninterrupted or disconnected. We don't have unscheduled moments. That leisure means passive consumption instead of rest, recreation, or reconnection because we fall into that endless scroll trap. And let me tell you something, those apps that you're scrolling through, especially on social media, they are designed to be bothered. There are no stopping cues in there at all. They want you to be on there all day, every day. When we have autoplay on things like video streaming services, they keep us watching and we don't even make a decision. We're not even deciding what to watch. We're letting the algorithm just present us with endless reels or videos to say, hey, you like this, you'd probably like this. And then all of a sudden, if we're not careful, this can get into a really scary place where we think about who is controlling our minds. Because we think just a few minutes and then we look up and it's been hours. Those microdistractions add up because every time you switch from a task to check your phone. Did you know that researchers have found it takes you 23 minutes to refocus on what you were doing. Those quick checks become time thiefs. That's what happens. And we have a digital over commitment. We're saying yes to every group, every message thread, every online meeting, every calendar invite, every notification, every invitation to shop. And those notifications become our to do list. And they don't often match our priorities. We have decision fatigue from over choice because we're constantly having to choose what to read, what to click, what to watch, what to respond to. This drains our mental energy and really wastes our time and it gives us an illusion of productivity because those apps and planners, they make us feel like we're organized but we are avoiding deeper work, we are avoiding rest. And just because you have a zero inbox doesn't mean that your life is full and meaningful.

You can actually use some built in screen time tools to monitor your smartphone usage

So here is my challenge for you today. Here is my tip. Do your best to go through your tech, look at all of the apps that you have, delete anything that you don't need and turn off all non essential notifications. Make sure that you are being limited in your interruptions and if that is not possible, putting your phone away during certain times so that those notifications don't completely distract you from family time, from being with those you love. That is really hard. You can actually use some built in screen time tools. If you have an iPhone or an iPad, you can go to settings and then look at your screen time. Most of you will get a notification of this and you can view your daily summary, your weekly summary. You can look at exactly how, how many minutes you spent on each app, what are your most used app and did you know? It will even tell you the number of pickups, it will tell you how many times you picked up your phone and the number of notifications received. Now for some of you, I know for me this can be a really tough gut check because we're constantly telling our kids get off your phone. And they're saying back to us, you get off of yours. And we think oh, but I'm not spending the kind of time you are. Oh, surely my time is not like your time. But when we look at can be really the same. So you can use that app to set some downtime, you can block apps during set hours, you can put limits on apps and you can put content and privacy restrictions. I know my husband does such a great job on this. He puts very strict time limits on his apps because he likes to and he could look at it forever, but he puts those limits to remind him to engage with his family. It's such a conviction for all of us. He does it way better than any of us do. If you have an Android phone, you can do the same thing too. Go to your settings and look at that digital well being and your parent parental controls. And to be honest, it's a little funny to me. Although it's not funny that it Gives the appearance of a tech company caring about your well being when really they're just trying to say, okay, how can we appease your well being but still have you as a customer track your time on your computer? How much time are you spending there on your computer? You can also, there's some third party apps that you can use that will give you deeper insights into how you are using your time. This might be tracking all of your time on the websites or maybe daily productivity scores. You can set goals. There are some apps that would be helpful for that. But if you're old school, and that would be me, you could do a manual tech audit for one to three days. Just try to make a tally mark on a piece of paper every time you pick up your phone. That would be just absolutely mind blowing for a lot of us. Think about what were you doing and why? How long did you stay on the tech? And then choose some tough reflection thinking, were you avoiding something? Did that scrolling add value to your day? How do you feel about it afterwards? What, what could you, have spent that time doing? And we really think about budgeting our money, that we don't budget our time. We squander our time so freely without even a second thought. So if we thought about our time like we did our money and set a weekly time budget, like I'm going to have two hours of social media, one hour of news, unlimited family calls, would that change the way that you were spending it if you really saw where you were spending it? And maybe if you're a journaling person, this is a time that you can keep a journal saying how many hours you spent on your phone, how you felt about it and what you want to do differently. But those notifications that you get per day, you can keep track of those and go back and look and think, how many notifications, how many times was I interrupted in a day? Try turning them off for a day and just note, does it impact how many times you pick up your phone if you turn off those notifications? Their goal is to reduce those pickups driven by interruption and really be more intentional about when, where and how you are using tech and using your phone. Listen, the best way to do this is to make it a family or a group challenge because if you ask your kids and tell them you're going to do this challenge too, or tell your spouse, hey, I want you to hold me accountable. I want to reduce my screen time this week by 20%. Oh, let me tell you, they'll only be too happy to say, oh, Yes, I will definitely help you and hold you accountable. Now, self accountability, that comes a little more difficult. But ask your kids to hold you accountable or have a challenge. Who can have the lowest screen time? Make a prize. I'm not above that. Pastor Joseph has been on here many times saying, give them money, do it, whatever it takes, whatever your family's motivation. And share those weekly screen time reports with a spouse or a friend or accountability partner. And, and so, each week you can just ask yourself, even right now, ask yourself these questions. What does your screen time reflect about your priorities? And where do you make room for God? And where do you scroll him out? What would it look like to be more present and more prayerful and more intentional? Now listen, this is not just a guilt trip. It's about clarity. You can't reclaim what you don't recognize, what you don't see. So start today, even if you is just looking, daring to look at your phone's weekly report. Because every minute that you recapture is a minute you are investing in what really matters and how you're stewarding your time. You are not alone. It is not about shaming or guilting you about your phone time. It's about freeing you to spend time to invest in your marriage, invest in your parenting, invest in your family, invest in your loved ones, invest in your health, whatever that may be. And there is a lot of shame involved when we think about how much screen time we have. I know. I feel that my screen time notification always goes off right as I'm walking into church. And I feel this little guilt in the pit of my stomach. Like, did I spend that much time a day with my kids? Did I spend that much time a day with God? And so we start to not be transparent. I don't want to tell you my screen time. I don't want to show you what I'm doing. And we really, really need to realize that secrecy and tech use creates separation. It separates us from those around us who love us. It separates us from God. Transparency builds trust and safety and connection. Let me read to you from Psalm 101. I will ponder the way that is blameless. When will you come to me? I will walk with integrity of heart within my house. I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. I hate. The work of those who fall away shall not cling to me. That is something that we can really take and say. That can be a phrase that you say in your house. I will walk with integrity of heart within my house. Are you walking with integrity of Heart within your house. Because secrecy hides while confidentiality protects. There's a difference between secrecy and confidentiality. But I encourage you to have a house with no secrets.

There are ways kids and families access tech without transparency

I know we do that with my family. We say no secrets in this house. We, have birthday surprise exception. And that's pretty much it. Now, there's some things that are confidential and confidential counseling is healthy, but secret social media accounts, secret viewing in your room after everyone goes to bed, not so much. And there are a lot of ways that kids and families access tech without transparency. We've got private devices in the bedroom. This is unmonitored late night access to phones, tablets, gaming consoles, laptops. This is something that I view as extremely threatening for kids. I really do, because they are in their safe space. And when screens are present, it's a portal to the world. But they don't feel like it's unsafe. They feel safe, but it's there where they can invite strangers into their room. They can have exposure to pornography, to sexting, to predators, to harmful content. They're isolated from their family, they're sleep deprived, and they're living living in secrecy. And this happens with social media as well. And kids can create finstas, which is a fake Instagram account or joint platforms. It's so easy and so natural to create secrecy and separation. But with accountability, social media really becomes a place to hide rather than connect. And then you have influencers who are shaping their beliefs more than their parents, parents, more than their teachers, more than their pastors, and that's concerning. We have a lot of other ways that there can be secrecy in tech use. I'll share some of those when we come back. I'll give you some of the statistics on this and maybe eye opening for you, but I'll also give you a family tech transparency guide. How do we build trust in a digital world? How do you become a no secrets family when it comes to technology? Again, it's not about control, it's about protection. It's about living in truth. Technology can serve us, but we can't let it master us.

Are you a new small group leader looking for a strong curriculum

so more help and hope coming up right on the other side of this break. I'll, see you in just a minute.

>> Jeff Chamblee: Are you a new small group leader looking for a strong curriculum? Even if you've been a leader for years, there's always a need for tools to help you as you help others deepen their love for God and their Bible knowledge. AFA Stream is a great resource with topics covering biblical worldview training, godly marriage and more. You'll have access to some of the best teaching available. And if you're a great commission partner, you open up even more. Visit stream.aca.net today. Stream.aca.net as long as I'm breathing, I've.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Got a reason to pray. Praise the Lord oh my soul. Praise the Lord, oh my soul. I praise when I feel it. I praise when I don't. I praise cause I know you're still in control. My praise is a weapon. It's more than a sound. My praise is the shout that brings Jericho down. As long as I'm breathing I've got a reason to praise the Lord oh my soul.

Listen to elevation Worship's Praise that is praise by elevation

>> Amber Brown: Welcome back, friends. Praise that is praise by elevation Worship. I love that song. I let it play a little longer. It's a Friday and my husband loves that song too. Listen. He is one of those that makes a joyful noise in church and he sings this loud. It's a hard song to sing. But that does not stop him at all, bring back his enthusiasm at all. And I love seeing people just praise the Lord. We live in a world where it feels dark and it feels scary sometimes. And so having those reminders that we have a reason, no matter what happens, we have a reason to praise the Lord. Listen.

One of the most important things is having transparency with your tech use

Today we are talking about tech habits. And I'm, in the middle of talking about tech transparency. This is one of the most important things that you could do for your family. It is a protection, it is a safeguard, it is a method of accountability. It is one of the most important things that you can do in a 21st century family is have transparency with your tech use. What do I mean by that? Well, let's talk first about how secrecy can creep its way into our tech use. We talked about using a device in the privacy of your own bedroom, especially for kids. We've talked about unrestricted access to social media where kids can be exposed to cyberbullying, comparison, mental health stress, adult content, grooming. These things all very, very quickly become secret. If kids see cyberbullying, if they start to feel like they have mental health stress, they're not going to tell you about it because their fear is that you're going to take it away. And then we have. It's almost like a digital drug. We're addicted, but we're scared to death to think what will happen if it's taken away away. The other ways that secrecy creeps in is through private messaging apps. So we start to talk on apps like Snapchat with vanishing messages or confidential apps. And there's temptation there to hide a conversation and secrecy becomes normal. This is why it should be so concerning, especially for us with kids. Kids are just one message away from exploitation or temptation or abuse. I have seen it thousands and thousands of. We need to make sure that secrecy is not normalized, especially in tech use. We also have unfiltered gaming platforms. Not too long ago, I was talking to a group of 8th graders about safety and Internet use. And almost every single kid in that class shared something that had happened through a gaming platform where they had been contacted by strangers they didn't know, said things that were inappropriate, but not one of them had told their family about it. And kids may spend hours gaming with a adults or strangers that we don't know. And that can be really concerning. Now I'm not demonizing at all game playing because there could be ways that it can be healthy, but again, talking about the secrecy of that because they can be exposed to harmful language, to bullying, to grooming, to addiction. And gaming becomes more than entertainment all of a sudden. It's a secret escape from real life. We can have multiple or hidden accounts and parents think that they're monitoring, but they're only seeing what their k want to see. If we have streaming without oversight, then kids can start to consume things and slide down a slippery slope of lowering their standards of what they're watching. And then they're watching things in secret because streaming is really a private discipleship channel. Whether it's passive or whether it's active, it forms your values, it influences your worldview. We need to be more intentional about what we stream and not just mindlessly let the algorithm feed us things, things we need to think about. Sometimes kids will use or adults will use private search engines or browsers because this fosters hidden behavior. And it's often the first step into something that is worse. We also can have shared family devices, but maybe without accountability. Maybe everyone uses the family iPad, but no one's actively checking the browser history and seeing because sometimes kids don't have language to describe what they're seeing. They may may have known that something was off, but they don't know how to talk about it. Or they may just be completely unaware because media can work so hard to normalize things like violence and abuse that they think it's normal. And one of the greatest struggles we can have is being overly private as parents with our tech use because we're using our own tech in secret. No one sees what we're streaming, what we're scrolling, what we're messaging. And this sets a hidden standard because if we are not transparent with our tech, our kids won't be.

66% of teens admit to hiding online activity to avoid parental monitoring

Here are some statistics that may be alarming to you. 66% of teenagers admit to hiding online activity. Now, we can pretend to be shocked by this, but we know in the age before the Internet, as teenagers, we were likely to do something we shouldn't have been doing. It was just easier to hide. It is not easy to hide now, but 71% of teens reported using at least one method to avoid parental monitoring. I know that happened with a mom who came to me at a speaking engagement. We said, my son is on this social media platform. He has 20,000 followers, but he's never posted anything. I just feel like something is wrong. Well, I realized this son had blocked his mom on that, but we don't have the tech savvy skills sometimes to recognize, oh, he's posting, he's just blocked you from seeing the post. And again, teens, sometimes their thumb moves faster than their prefrontal cortex in their brain, and it's a failure of decision. Now, there can be some consequences of secret tech use. We see it impacting mental health. Teens who use social media more are more likely to be anxious or depressed or lonely. Secretive online behavior is linked to an increased risk of cyberbullying, both as victim and perpetrator. That's really important to consider. The average age of first exposure to pornography is estimated to be about 11 years old, and it's getting younger. Of young adults who have viewed it as teens say they first accessed it on a device that did not have any parental monitoring. One in seven youth, one in seven have received unwanted messages of solicitation online. And most contacts, with predators are happening on devices that are used in private settings. Predators will say, go to this messaging app. We can talk more freely there. But the FBI reports in the majority of child exploitation cases, those predators are using chat features or secret messaging apps. Now, families who have minimal tech accountability from Barna research are, more likely to report increased conflict over rules, decreased emotional closeness, and less spiritual engagement together. Now, before we're all panicking and thinking, let's just throw all the phones away, let's remember it's not a phone issue. It's a heart issue. It's a character issue. Sin thrives in secrecy, but confession brings it to light and brings healing. While hidden tech uses emotional isolation and anxiety and temptation loops to divide us, the enemy is using secrecy on top of that to distort identity and destroy innocence. But there is Power in transparency, nothing hidden is a relation relationship superpower. While the enemy is working in isolation, we are working in partnership with the creator of the universe. So I encourage you, I implore you, I really ask you with everything that I have to be a no secrets family when it comes to technology. Normalize open access. Say you can check my phone anytime and I'll check yours. And that transparency isn't about controlling what they do, it's about care. It's about protection. Your spouse should have have open access to your password. They should have open access to your devices, your streaming history. And ask yourself, is there something on here that I wouldn't want my spouse to see? And if that's the case, that is some reason for more heart exploration. Keep tech out of your bedrooms. Use family device docking stations at night and talk about video games, not just phones. Because gaming also has interaction. It starts with creating a family culture. That's true. Says you can tell me anything. We can talk about anything. And modeling vulnerability. So let's talk about some specific elements of a family tech transparency guide. How do we build trust in that digital world? How do we achieve our goal of being a no secrets kind of family? Well, we agree to the following. These are some of the things that you can agree to with your family. Agree to open. Agree that any device used regularly is open for random checks by parents. That there are no private devices in the family. There's just shared trust. Open access. Number two, no tech in bedrooms. Store all the screens in a central location at night. It's really encouraging when you check in your phone and you see everybody else's phones there. Bedrooms are for rest and reading and real connection. Normalize. No tech in the bedrooms. Number three, tech free zones. Tech free times. We've talked about that in the past. Go back and listen to those habits. That's important. Number four, agree to media monitoring. Knowing that if you have minors in your house, my phrase I use with my kids is I pay. I say so if I'm paying for their device, I will say what can go on their device and that I will look at this and it's not punitive, it's just normal. It's a normal expectation. Hey, let me do a spot check for you, make sure everything's good. Number five, talk about temptation. It's a home where you can talk about it. About the curiosity that your kids have, the mistakes they made, the struggles they have. And if someone is caught in secret shame and someone discloses that offer a path of confession, not condemnation, but confession and Grace, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another. That's what the Bible commands us to do. And so we've got to have those boundaries with grace. Using tools like screen time limits or filters or blocking software. I, often get asked, which one do you recommend? Well, it's a hard thing for me to say because it depends on your tech ability and it depends on your individual situation. I think they can be really helpful tools and there are some great softwares out there. But if you're using those tools to replace relationship conversations and boundaries, they won't be very effective. They're really more like training wheels to build digital maturity, which I'm definitely in favor of. And so some of the conversation starters that you can use, maybe over dinner time, maybe if you're having a family meeting, ask what's your favorite way to use tech for good? What have you seen? How have you seen people using tech for good? Because we often, often kids tune us out because whenever we start to talk about tech, we start to rail on it, we start to preach against it. The lectures start going. We need to invite and engage in conversation. And there are some great ways that people are using tech. I'll give you an example of that. Even this week, seeing how people have used social media to engage resources to respond to the flooding victims in Texas and New Mexico and the ways that they have networked and been able to give, that is a great heartwarming use of tech. We got to acknowledge that there is good.

Ask your family, have you ever seen something online that made you uncomfortable

Ask your family, have you ever seen something online that made you uncomfortable or confused? This is what I tell my kids. You will see something on a screen at some point that makes you uncomfortable. Your world is saturated in screens. It will happen. When you see that, you may not even realize what you are seeing. It just make you feel uncomfortable or like you've done something wrong. Wrong. When that happens, come and talk to me. We will get through it together. You might ask, what's the most fun non screen activity we've done together recently? Now one of my favorite questions to ask in a family is what would you ask me to do with you if you knew? I wouldn't say no. Maybe they're going to get you to play basketball. Maybe they're going to get you to play a video game. Be open to do something, something preferably that's not related to a screen. And summertime is such a great time for that. A couple of Fridays ago we talked about having an old fashioned summer. I'm a huge fan of that. I think it's great. You might ask your family, do you ever feel pressure to be on your phone or social media? All the time. Because in a world where kids are not connected by school in the summer, they may they feel obligated to keep looking at that social circle. Who's going where, who's inviting who to go with who, and how do we give them permission to disconnect? Here's a really good question. What's one change we could make as a family to use tech more wisely? And I have found that my kids really will call me out. For sure they will. But if you're looking for some specific tech tools that we'll call you out to that help with transparency. Bark is one that I've seen used very frequently. Covenant Eyes is another. there are some screen, time limitations that you can use. And, if you're interested in that, there are plenty of parenting tech magazines that go that give you encouragement for that. But here's some things to remember when we have transparency. Transparency builds trust. No one is perfect, but everyone can be honest. And that's important to cultivate a place of honesty. Our tech is a tool. It's not a secret hideout. And in this house, we walk in the light, not in the shadows. Those are really important things that matter.

>> Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.